Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1124: Friday 25th October 2019

Entry 1124
Friday 25th October 2019

My head is an absolute mess right now!

I stayed over at Naomi's last night, and did we have sex? No! Of course, we f*cking didn't, and now I know exactly why!

I woke in Naomi's bed suppressing my frustration that we STILL hadn't had sex. I got up, sorted out Leo and started getting some breakfast ready. As I was buttering some toast, Ash told me that he needed to go to Sainsbury's to get some milk and other bits. Naomi then walked into the kitchen with Sophie. "We need milk," said Ash, "I'm just going to pop to Sainsbury's." "Take Sophie with you," said Naomi, "She could do with some fresh air." Ash left the house with Sophie, leaving me alone in the kitchen with Naomi. I was going to take the opportunity to talk to Naomi and ask her why we haven't had sex and why she has shunned me when I try and get intimate with her, but just as I was about to say something, there was a knock at the door. "Oh, for God's sake," I snapped, stomping over to the front door, "Who the Hell is that?" I opened the front door to find Roz standing there. "Hi, Luke," she said. "For crying out loud," I snapped, "What do you want?" "Charming," said Roz, "I came round here to see Naomi not you." Naomi then appeared at the front door. "Oh, hi Roz," said Naomi. "I just wondered if you fancied a chat over a cuppa" said Roz. "Now?" I snapped. "Yes, now," said Roz, "What are you in such a mood for?" "Ignore him," giggled Naomi, "He's just grumpy in the morning. Come in. I'll put the kettle on. You can help me finish off the last of the milk." "Right," I bluntly said, "I'm going to have a shower. Will you keep an eye on Leo?" Naomi nodded, and I went upstairs.

I got undressed in the bathroom, but then realised I'd left my clean towel in Naomi's bedroom. After a short naked jog across the landing, I quickly retrieved my towel but before returning to the bathroom I found myself standing on the landing listening to Roz and Naomi. The two of them were downstairs in the kitchen, having a chat as they waited for the kettle to boil. I heard Naomi say something that caught my attention, and this prompted me to secretly listen in on their conversation from the landing. "I love him," Naomi said to Roz, "I mean of course I love him. I love him to bits, but he's starting to get really annoying. He's all over me and it's just a bit much you know? I mean, the other night I was just laid in bed and the next thing I know he's all over me, squeezing my boobs. I know it might sound horrible, but I just don't want him in my bed. Sometimes, I just want to say, go away and stop touching me. I mean he climbs into my bed, sometimes completely naked, and I look at him with his tiny little willy and those soppy puppy dog eyes and I just feel sorry for him." "What are you going to do?" asked Roz. "I don't know. I don't think I can say anything because feelings are going to get hurt. I just need to try and deal with it. It's not his fault. I just don't think he realises how annoying he is, and how I feel smothered by him. I just think sometimes he needs to stay in his own bed. It's not like he lives here. I haven't said anything. I don't want Luke to worry, but when he's under the sheets, he p*sses himself and wets the bed. I know he doesn't mean to, but it's not exactly enjoyable laying in p*ss soaked bed and having to clean the sheets in secret." "Isn't he too old to be wetting the bed?" asked Roz. "Well, exactly," said Naomi, "I should probably say something, but I don't have the heart. I was going to suggest that he needs to start wearing nappies, but I can't see that going down well." At that moment Ash returned with Sophie and I dashed back into the bathroom. I couldn't believe what I heard. My own girlfriend thinks I've got a "little willy" and feels like I'm smothering her. I know I don't live with her but hearing her say that she wants me back at home in my bed and in my own house is really hurtful. It's like she's repulsed by me. I had no idea I was wetting the bed! Why the Hell didn't she tell me! I must be doing it in my sleep or something. I used to wet the bed as a kid, and I thought I'd outgrown that but maybe not. I never wet the bed when I was with Nikki, so why am I doing it with Naomi?!

I had my shower, and when I returned downstairs, Roz had gone, and Ash was sat with Naomi, Sophie and Leo in the living room. "Right then," I bluntly said, "I'm going to see Mike and Cyn." Naomi wanted to come with me, but I told her I wanted to see them on my own. "On your own?" said Naomi, frowning with confusion, "Why? Is everything OK?" "Erm, yeah," I said, lying, "It's just that it's nice for me to be on my own with them sometimes. You had some time on your own with Roz, so I want some time on my own with Cyn and Mike. "OK..." said Naomi, frowning with confusion, "Are you sure everything's OK." "Fine," I said, again lying, "It's good for us to have time apart, isn't it? We don't want to smother each other, do we?" "Is there something on your mind?" Naomi asked me. "Nothing at all" I said, once again lying, "I'm fine. Oh, I'll sleep over at mine tonight. I think it'll be nice for Mum and Auntie Meryl to spend some time with Leo. I'll see you tomorrow or something." I picked up Leo and left Ash and Naomi's. I think Naomi could tell from my demeanour that something was on my mind. I probably should have said something but to be honest I felt too upset and p*ssed off. Out of all the people she could have spoken to, I can't believe she chose to speak to Roz!

When I arrived at Sails Café Mike and Sci-Fi Cyn were having a debate about who would win in a fight between James Bond and The Doctor from Doctor Who. "Babes," said Mike, "James Bond or Doctor Who. Who do you think would win in a fight?" "It's not Doctor Who," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "It's The Doctor. The show is called Doctor Who, but the character is called The Doctor." "Shut up," I firmly said, "I don't give a sh*t about that. I've got a problem and I need your help, and this must be in confidence." Looking intrigued and promising me they couldn't say anything, I told Mike and Sci-Fi Cyn what I'd overheard Naomi saying to Roz. "Are you sure she was talking about you?" Sci-Fi Cyn asked. "Well, who else would she be talking about?" I snapped. "OK, OK," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "I'm just trying to understand. This doesn't sound like the sort of thing Naomi would say." "Well, she said it," I said, "I heard her, and it all makes sense. This is why we haven't had sex." "You still haven't had sex?" said Mike. "No," I snapped, "I keep trying but it doesn't happen. She said I had a little willy. I mean, what the f*ck!?" "Well, she's crazy," said Mike, "I've seen your willy and it's not little. It's... Well... It's lovely." "She said I'm smothering her," I snapped, "she said she was going to suggest I wear a nappy. A f*cking nappy!" "Well, if you really are wetting the bed, that might be a good idea," aid Sci-Fi Cyn, "Maybe you're wetting the bed whilst you're asleep because you feel pressure or anxiety around having sex with Naomi?" "I don't get it?" I said, "When I wake up, I'm not wet down there." "It might have dried by then," said Mike. "I just can't believe she said all that stuff about me," I said, "If she thinks I've got a small c*ck, she might think I can't satisfy her sexually. I don't know what to do." "I know what you should do," said Mike. "What?" I asked. "Ditch the b*tch," said Mike, "If she doesn't appreciate you, someone else will. You can do better." "No," said "Sci-Fi Cyn, "That's not the answer. What you need to do is talk to her." "I can't talk to her about this," I exclaimed, "It's mortifying. Plus, she'll probably go in a mood with me for listening in on her conversation with Roz." "For God's sake," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "You need to be talking to each other, not to other people." "No," I firmly said, "I need to try and sort this out without speaking to Naomi. "I think that's a mistake," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "What are you going to do if you don't speak to her?" asked Mike. "I don't know," I said, as I grabbed my mug of tea and started drinking, "I just don't know."

I'm back at home now. I've stomping around in a right mood ever since I got back. Mum has asked me what's wrong, but I've told her I'm fine and that she needs to mind her own business. I need to think about what I'm going to do about this problem. I'm sleeping in my house tonight so that will hopefully make Naomi feel less smothered. If she doesn't like me touching her boobs when we're in bed, I will just stop doing that, and I'm going to sleep on a towel tonight and see if there's any wet smelly patches of p*ss on it when I wake up in the morning. As for Naomi's comment about my "little willy", I have no idea what I'm going to do about that. I know I'm not well hung, but I'm not tiny, despite what tossers like TJ say.

I really need to come up with some way of fixing this problem...