Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1126: Sunday 27th October 2019

Entry 1126
Sunday 27th October 2019

Me and Naomi have had a bit of argument today and I ended up getting some advice from an unlikely source.

It was late morning, and I was sat with Leo in the living room. Mum and Auntie Meryl were out, and I was just sat reading a book when there was a knock at the door. It was Naomi. I was a bit taken a back to see her and the surprise was obvious on my face. "Oh..." I said. "Oh!?" exclaimed Naomi, "Is that all you've got to say. You're avoiding me. It's obvious. What's going on?" Naomi entered the house, walked into the living room, and gave me an expectant look. "Well?" she said. "Well, what?" I asked. "Oh, Luke, don't mess me about," said Naomi, "I don't like playing games." "I'm not playing games," I said. "Then what's going on?" asked Naomi, "You avoided me yesterday. You were weird with me the day before, and I don't believe for a second that you were ill yesterday. You just didn't want to see me. It's obvious you're in a mood about something. How are we supposed to have a serious adult relationship if you don't talk to me?" "Everything's fine," I said, lowering my head. "Well, that's obviously not true, is it?" snapped Naomi, "I'm not going to stand here and spend all day guessing. Just tell me what's going on and then we can talk about it." A silence lingered. "Luke, just tell me!" Naomi snapped. "Well, we've been seeing each other for a while now," I said, "And we still haven't had sex." "Oh my God," gasped an angry Naomi, "Is that what all this silent treatment is about?" "It's not something that I particularly want to talk about," I said, "You not finding me sexually attractive." "What are you talking about?" exclaimed Naomi, "That's not true. Of course, I find you sexually attractive." "Oh, so you don't think I'm smothering you?" I snapped at Naomi. "No!" emphasized Naomi, "Why would you say all this? What are you going on about? Where has all this come from?" I was on the edge of telling Naomi that I overheard her talking to Roz about me, but as her anger was increasing, I thought it would increase even more if she knew that I was listening in on her conversation with Roz. I also felt annoyed. I heard Naomi telling Roz that I was smothering her, and she was now lying to me and saying that she didn't feel I was smothering her. "Well, what am I supposed to think?" I said, "You shagged Seth. You even shagged that w*nker TJ, but me... Oh no.... You keep me waiting. How do you think that makes me feel?" "Oh, poor Luke," snapped a blunt Naomi, "It's all about you, isn't it? Never mind what I think or feel about this? Don't talk to me about this, just make wild assumptions. There's two of us in this relationship, Luke. Maybe you need to remember that." "Maybe you need to remember it too," I firmly said. Naomi gave me a firm stare. "And what does that mean?" she assertively said. "Forget it," I said. "No, I won't bl**dy forget it," snapped Naomi, "I'm not just here for sex you know, Luke? I'm not just here for your pleasure." "Well, that's become bl**dy obvious," I said. Naomi looked shocked, and I could see that her anger was increasing. "You know, you're exactly like TJ, sometimes," snapped Naomi. "Am I?" I said, "Well, maybe that's a good thing. His shining personality did something to attract you into his bed – more than mine has to get you into mine." "Right," snapped Naomi, "I'm going to go. When you want to talk to me with some respect, and stop carrying on liking an arrogant pr*ck, I'll listen." Naomi left and slammed the door as she did. I immediately felt guilty as soon as she left, but I also felt annoyed. After what I heard Naomi telling Roz about me, she is in no place to take the moral high ground. Why the Hell should I be honest with her if she can't be honest with me?

After the argument I met up with Mike and Sci-Fi Cyn at Sails Café and took Leo. We had our usual bi-daily catch up over a cuppa and I told them both about my argument with Naomi. "You really are over-complicating things," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "Just talk to her." "She should say sorry to Luke for lying to Roz and telling her that he wets the bed and has a little willy," said Mike. "I've been checking my sheets all the time," I said, "I have not been wetting the bed when I'm on my own bed." "Maybe she's trying to f*ck with your head like Nikki did," said Mike. "No, Mike," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "I very much doubt that. This is just a silly misunderstanding that's getting out of hand. TALK TO EACH OTHER!" "Well, she didn't talk to me," I said, "She had the perfect opportunity earlier on to tell me how she realty felt, but no... She'd rather slag me off to Roz than tell me the truth."

We carried on discussing the matter when suddenly TJ appeared, pulled up a chair and sat next to me. "Now then, Elizabeth," said TJ, "I hear Naomi doesn't want to shag you because you've got a tiny c*ck." "MIKE!" I loudly and angrily snapped looking at Mike. "Sorry, babes," said Mike, "I was asking him if he knew of anyone who could help out a friend who has a problem with his penis." "I obviously thought of you Elizabeth," said TJ, "A tiny cock and p*ssing the bed, eh? Not a great combination. No wonder She-Ra doesn't want to f*ck you. The only thing you're making wet by the sound of it are the sheets in your bed when you p*ss yourself." "Christ, Mike," I snapped, "You've got a big mouth!" "He guessed!" exclaimed Mike, "I was only trying to help." "You shouldn't have a go at our Mike," said TJ, "I can help." "How the frigging Hell can you help??" I asked. "Well, I could give you some pointers," laughed TJ, "Tell you the sort of stuff Naomi likes." "Oh f*ck off," I snapped, as I stood up and staretd to leave. "Calm down, Elizabeth," said TJ, getting me to sit back down, "Don't go getting your period. I'm only pulling your plonker. If you let me help you, I can make it so Naomi ends up pulling your plonker, and we can make it a better plonker to pull." "TJ, what on Earth are you talking about?" asked a blunt Sci-Fi Cyn. "There's this bloke I know who I met down the pub," said TJ, "He was born and bred on this island. He used to work as pharmacist, but he did some under the counter deals and I happen to know he used to give out drugs to men who wanted help with their sex life. Drugs that helped maintain an erection. Drugs that helped make a c*ck bigger. Back handers and all that." "This does not sound like an attractive proposal," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "Agreed," I said, "This sounds well dodgy." "Fine," said TJ, throwing his hands in the air, "I'm just trying to help. Throw it all back in my face if you want. Good luck with trying to chuck one up She-Ra and keep her satisfied with that little acorn." TJ was about to leave but I stopped him. "OK," I said, "Wait. Tell me more about these drugs that make your penis bigger." "Oh, Luke, you're not seriously considering this cr*p are you?" asked Sci-Fi Cyn. "I'm just asking questions," I said. "All I know," said TJ, "Is that there are men on this island that who used have to c*cks the size of salt grains and now it looks like they've got tree f*cking legs, and it's all thanks to this man. No one knows his first name. Down the pub he just goes by his surname, Cox. Do you want me to have word with him?" "Yeah OK," I said. "Oh, Luke, come on this is stupid!" exclaimed Sci-Fi Cyn. "Cyn, please," I said, "Let me deal with this in my own way. I'm not making any firm decisions. I'm just trying to get more information before, or if I, make any decisions." It goes against my better judgement to be getting TJ involved in my penis-related problems but I'm not making any firm decisions at this point. I'm just gathering information.

Just before bed I was sat with Mum and Auntie Meryl in the living room. "So, what's going on with you and Naomi?" Mum asked. "Naomi who?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh, Mum, don't start," I said, "We're sorting it out." "Oh, so there is something to sort out?" asked Mum. "Campbell?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Mum, if there is or isn't anything going on," I said, "It's nothing to do with you." "I used to have a home help called Naomi," said Auntie Meryl. "Well, there's obviously something going on," said Mum, "I'm not thick." "She was stealing all the spoons out of my top drawer in the kitchen," said Auntie Meryl. "Mum, let me make this very clear," I firmly said, "Whatever is or isn't going on between me and Naomi, has nothing to do with you." "Well, pardon me for showing an interest," said Mum. "She was selling them for a pound a pop at the back of the market," said Auntie Meryl. "Look," said Mum, "You need cheering up. You've got a face like a slapped arse. I've been invited to a fancy-dress party. Why don't you come with me?" "What fancy-dress party?" I asked. "It's this woman who I go to Pilates with," said Mum, "She's having a do at the Anchor pub in Cowes on Wednesday evening. Everyone's welcome. I'm going. TJ's going. Mike's going. It might be just the thing you need to cheer yourself up. Most people are going as characters from films. I'm going as Wonder Woman." "Yeah, well I don't have time to sort a costume out," I said. "Oh, don't worry about that," said Mum, "I'll come up with some sort of costume. Go on. Come along. It'll cheer you up." I reluctantly agreed.

Still no sign of Tinsley's announcement that he told me to look out for. To be honest that's the last thing on my mind right now. I just want to sort things out with me, and Naomi and I am HOPING that TJ's mate can do something that give me a bigger penis to satisfy Naomi with.