Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1029: Monday 22nd July 2019

Entry 1029
Monday 22nd July 2019

I made a complete tw*t of myself at my new volunteer job today.

When I woke up in the morning I turned to my bedside table and saw Minnie the cat giving me an evil look. I scowled at the cat and she then launched herself at my face! At my f*cking face! I managed to dodge out of the way, but then when I was getting breakfast ready the bl**dy thing sat on the kitchen counter and wouldn't let me get into one of the drawers. I had to get Nikki to move her. Later, when I turned round to get my coat and go to work, Minnie was just sat there in the hallway, giving me another nasty look. She was growling and it was pretty obvious she wasn't going to let me get past her. Again, I had to get Nikki to move her. "That f*cking cat does not like me," I firmly said. "Oh, don't be silly," said Nikki, "She's just playing with you." I don't know what the point in talking to Nikki is. She doesn't really listen, and she just ends up dismissing me. I absolutely hate that nasty cat!

Work was OK. Not great. Not bad. Just OK. I kept looking down at the thousands of infected within the containment area from the walkways above, and I couldn't help but think the infected Kayleigh and the infected Eleanor should be with these other infected. Mind you, as I've just written that I'm amazed that I find myself considering that we should be keeping ANY infected alive. All the infected need to be killed! What am I thinking!? This place is turning me into some stupid naive hippy liberal! I hate colluding with all these secrets about infected being hidden under GRID HQ and about what really happened with Ryde.

I met Sci-Fi Cyn and Mike at Mike, Trudy's and TJ's house. A change of scenery. We had a cuppa and chat and talked a bit about Blade leaving the island and about the drama that went on at GRID HQ the other day. Once we'd had a chat and finished our tea I started to get ready to leave. "What are you doing?" asked Mike. "I'm putting my coat on," I said, "We're doing this voluntary work aren't we?" "Yeah, but don't you want to see Maureen first?" asked Mike. "You've still got that bl**dy cow in the back yard?" I gasped. "Yeah," said Mike, "I love her. She's my friend." "Mike, I don't think the new GRID Commander will let you keep a cow in the back garden when there's a shortage of livestock." "I'm not giving up my Maureen," said Mike, "I love her. Come on Luke, say hello."

I walked into the back garden, tripped on the step, banged my knee against the wall and ended up falling into the back of Maureen the cow's arse. The cow gave a loud moo and Mike grabbed hold of me. "You OK babes?" Mike asked. "Yes, I'm fine," I snapped, "You need to get that back step seen to. In fact, you need to get rid of this cow." "I've told you," said Mike, "I'm not getting rid of her." "She looks really fat, Mike," I said, "A lot fatter than when I last saw her." "I need to keep her strong and healthy," said Mike. "You'll be making her obese if you carry on," I said. I checked my jeans and noticed that my house keys were no longer in my pockets. I scanned Mike's back yard and noticed that they were on the ground near Maureen's back legs. They must have fallen out when I tripped. I bent down, grabbed hold of my keys, but as I did, I realised that the heel of my show had gotten caught in a loose paving slab. "Oh, for f*cks sake," I snapped. "You OK babes?" Mike asked me. SPLASH! A confident jet of urine started to stream out of Maureen's rear end and drenched me from head to torso. As my shoe was stuck on the paving slab there was nothing I could do. I just knelt there, feeling annoyed and frozen to the spot as Maureen soaked me in her p*ss. It stank! Mike slowly bent down, removed the paving slab and I stood up. I looked at Mike with a blunt look on my face with my head, face and torso drenched in Maureen's urine. "At least you got your keys," Mike gently said. "You could have picked up the paving slab WHILST the f*cking fat cow was p*ssing on me," I bluntly said. "Yeah, sorry babes," said Mike. Sci-Fi Cyn appeared at the back door and immediately saw the state I was in. "Bl**dy Hell," she gasped, "What's happened. You've only been out here two minutes." "The cow p*ssed on me," I bluntly said. "How did that happen!?" exclaimed Cyn. "Look, we haven't got time for this," said Mike, "We need to get to the old people's home for our volunteering." "I can't go now!" I exclaimed to Mike. "Why not?" he asked. "Why not!?" I loudly said, "I'm covered in cow p*ss!" "Oh, that doesn't matter," said Mike, "It's just like being covered in water. It'll dry. It's nice and sunny outside." "It's not like being covered in bl**dy water!" I snapped, "It's cow p*ss. It f*cking stinks!" Sci-Fi Cyn appeared next to me with a towel and started patting me down and drying my hair. "Oh, you can't use that towel," said Mike, "I think that's Trudy's favourite towel." "Oh, that's right!" I exclaimed, "Don't get any p*ss on the towel but it's OK for me to be covered it and go off volunteering with you." Cyn then started spraying deodorant all over me. "Cyn, it's going to take more than a cheap bit of Lynx to cover up this nasty smell," I said. "I think it's Sure," said Mike. "That's as good as it's going to get," said Cyn. "I can still smell p*ss all over myself," I bluntly said. "It's not as bad as it was," said Mike, "Come on. Let's go, we're going to be late." I wasn't happy but as Mike was so excited and as most of the damp patches on my clothes had dried, I reluctantly walked with Mike to the old people's home.