Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1021: Sunday 14th July 2019

Entry 1021
Sunday 14th July 2019

I'm living back at home in Sandown with Leo and Nikki, but getting here wasn't easy, and I'm not sure if Madeline facilitating mediation was a good idea after all.

The whole thing started late in the morning when I'd travelled from Cowes to Sandown and found myself in my house sat at one of my dining table whilst Nikki was sat opposite me. Madeline was sat in between us at the long edge of the table. "Now good morning y'all," said a cheery Madeline, "Now I know that we all know why we're here; we're here to have an honest and open discussion about the recent problems you two lovely people have been having in your relationship. Now, before we make a start, can we all put our hands together and thank the good Lord above for bringing us all here together today." "The Lord didn't bring us here," I bluntly said, "The bus did." "Yes, but who gave us all the ability to get on that bus and make our way here?" said Madeline. "GRID did when they introduced the credit system, making it possible for us all to travel and pay bus fare," I said. "Yes, but all of that's only possible because of the good Lord above," said Madeline. "No, it's all happened because there was an outbreak of a virus that killed the world," I bluntly said. "Now come on Elizabeth," said a cheery but slightly patronising Madeline, "Let's turn that negative into a positive. Come on. If you open your mind, open your heart and let the Lord in, I am sure that you'll feel the benefits." I rolled my eyes and gave a tired sigh and then clasped my hands together as Madeline started saying some sort of weird prayer. She thanked God for bringing us all here (even though it was the bus), and thanked God for giving me the strength to confront my problems (even though God has f*ck all to do with it). "Oh Lord," said Madeline, as she closed her eyes and clasped her hands, "Do not judge this man for struggling to successfully contribute towards a happy relationship. Do not condemn him to the fires of Hell for not acknowledging the strength you have given him to confront his many, many mistakes. Do not look down on him on the day of judgement for..." "Yeah, OK, thanks Madeline," I bluntly said, "Can we just get on with it?"

Once all the religious sh*te was out of the way we got down to business. "Now," said Madeline, reaching out and holding my hand and also holding Nikki's hand, "Before we start, I want to make it very clear that there is no blame here. No one is in the wrong and no one is judging. Except the good Lord above of course and we know not to question his judgement, don't we? Now there are a few rules that I'd like y'all to observe. We let people speak and we don't talk over others. Also, if we disagree with someone, we disagree respectfully and without cussing. Now Nicola..." "It's Nikki," Nikki, bluntly said. "OK..." said Madeline in a patronising tone, "I think we'll stick to proper Christian names, and you need to remember that one of the rules is not to interrupt, honey. Now why don't you tell us what's on your mind and what you want to get out of this little meeting?" "Right," said Nikki in an assertive tone, "First of all I'm really angry that Luke seems to have told everyone about our problems. I mean, he sent his Mum round here to have a go at me. What sort of man does that!?" "OK," said Madeline, nodding her head, "I'm listening. I'm hearing. Luke, what are your thoughts on this? Does sending your sex-crazed mother round to fight your battles for you make you feel like you're taking control of the situation, or like you're a failure as a man?" "Hang on," I exclaimed, "It's not like that at all. Madeline, you can't just go believing what one person says and then having a go at the other." "Oh, so you're saying I'm a liar!?" snapped Nikki. "I didn't say that," I said, "You see this is the problem. You twisting my words. I asked Mum to come round to talk to you. Yeah, OK, it was probably a stupid idea, but I did it with the intention of helping. I thought she'd be able to get you to calm down so we can talk." "Luke, everyone knows about our problems now," snapped Nikki, "Whatever goes on between me and you, needs to stay private between me and you." "What? So, I'm not allowed to talk to people when I'm feeling stressed and have got stuff on my mind?" I snapped. "You should talk to me," said Nikki. "F*ck off," I snapped, "Whenever I talk to you, you start shouting and screaming and throwing plates at me." "That happened once!" snapped Nikki. "Elizabeth, honey," said Madeline, tapping my hand in a patronising manner, "Remember the rules. No cussing. If you use pretty words it leaves a sweet taste in your mouth. If you use ugly words it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth." "I just hate the idea of everyone knowing our business and thinking I am some sort of violent lunatic," said Nikki. "Look, I've been defending you," I said to Nikki, "People have told me I should dump you and that you're an abuser, but I'm the one who's been sticking up for you. I'm the one who's said you're not an abuser and that I want to work things out." "Who the Hell has said you should leave me?" snapped Nikki, "Who's called me an abuser? God, who's been saying all these things about me?" "A few people," I said. "Well, I don't want you seeing them ever again," snapped Nikki. "You see this is the problem," I said, "I can't be in a relationship with someone who tells me who my friends can and can't be." "And I can't be in a relationship with someone who tells everyone sh*t about me, slags me off behind my back, and wants to be friends with people who think horrible things about me." "God, who cares what people think?" I said, "I want to be with you no matter what anyone else thinks. And I wasn't slagging off you, I was sticking up for you. I've just told you that." "You told everyone that I faked those injuries on my stomach," said Nikki. "You did," I said. "Yes, but you didn't have to tell everyone," snapped Nikki, "And it's rather convenient that you didn't say why I faked those injuries." "Sorry, Nikki," I said, "But faking those injuries was bang out of order." "So, was pushing me away!" Nikki, loudly snapped. "I pushed you because you were battering me with a magazine." "Oh, when will you start being a man?" said Nikki, "A woman hits you with a magazine and you cry about it like a baby." "Sorry?" I bluntly said, "But did I cry about it, or did I retaliate by aggressively pushing you and causing you bruising. Which one is it? Make your mind up." "Look, I don't think we're getting very far here," said Madeline, "Luke why don't you tell us about your childhood?" There was a confusing pause as I frowned with bewilderment. "My childhood?" I bluntly said. "That's correct," said Madeline. "What's my childhood got to do with anything?" I asked. "Well, I find that these sorts of problems often happen due to unresolved trauma from childhood," said Madeline, "Do you think your difficulty in forging successful relationships could stem from embarrassingly low self-esteem as a result of having a slut for a Mother?" "Look," I said, "All I want is to be able to move back in here and not have Nikki kicking off every time I open my mouth." "Well, don't give me a reason to kick off," snaped Nikki. "I have no idea what could kick you off," I said, "And if you do kick off, I'd rather get into a verbal argument than a physical fight." "Elizabeth," said Madeline, "Do you ever find yourself questioning what on God's Earth it is that you could ever do or say that makes a young, beautiful woman like Nicola want to punch you in the face?" "No, I f*cking don't!" I exclaimed. "Now, remember the rule about cussing, honey," said Madeline. "Madeline's right," said Nikki, "Maybe you should stop and ask what it is that you do that gets me so mad? Like all of the lying for example. Lying to me about TJ and Trudy being at the house warming, lying about seeing his Mum when he was actually seeing Mike and Cyn, lying about loving me when he doesn't, lying about having a job when in fact he was unemployed. The man just lies." "Elizabeth," said Madeline, "Lying buys you a one-way ticket to access the toll road to Hell. What is it do you think that compels you to lie and show such disrespect to your life partner?" "I lie because she kicks off!" I loudly exclaimed. "I kick off BECAUSE you lie!" Nikki loudly snapped. "OK," said Madeline, "I'm listening. I'm hearing. I think we should just take a breath and reflect. Now it sounds to me that the answer is simple. Nicola if you can stop kicking off and Elizabeth if you can stop lying, it sounds like we have a solution. What do y'all think?" "OK," I said, "I promise to stop lying and stop keeping secrets, as long as Nikki promises to try not kicking off and chucking things at me when she disagrees with me or is unhappy with something I've done." "Nicola, do you think you could express your displeasure at Elizabeth's thoughtless and ultimately inevitable stupid behaviour, without displaying violence?" asked Madeline. "Why is everyone making out I'm some sort of violent lunatic?" snapped Nikki. "That's not what's happening," I said, "But the fact is that when you get angry you get violent." "Oh, that's happened a handful of times," said Nikki. "But it's still happened," I said, "Now if you can promise not to get violent, I promise not to lie and keep secrets." "Fine," snapped Nikki, "I promise. There. Are you happy now? Making me feel like a violent abuser? You're not the victim here, Luke. I am. I was kidnapped, remember? I got all those horrible notes, remember!?" "Yeah, but all that's over now," I said. "No, it's not!" Nikki snapped, as she produced a folded-up piece of paper from her pocket and threw it at me across the table. With my curiosity piquing, I unfolded the piece of paper and read aloud what was written on it; DON'T THINK YOU'RE SAFE B*TCH! YOU MIGT HAVE ESCAPED ME, BUT I'M GUNNA GET YOU... My God." "Exactly," snapped Nikki, "It's obviously from the guy who kidnapped me. You're not the victim here, Luke. I am!" Nikki stood up from the table and ran upstairs crying. I was left with Madeline, sat at the dining table just looking at the note feeling rather shocked. As I sat in my chair staring at the piece of paper a short silence followed. "Well," said Madeline, "I suppose you're feeling like a pretty horrible person right now." I sighed and closed my eyes in despair. Another silence followed. "You know," said Madeline, "This reminds me of a time when we were down on the farm..." "Madeline, I swear to God if I hear any more of your f*cking bullsh*t farmyard stories, one of us is gunna end up going crashing through that window."