Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 957: Saturday 11th May 2019

Entry 957
Saturday 11th May 2019

I've just got back from the community centre where this weird woman and two GRID soldiers showed us all how to secure and quarantine infected. I was surprised to find out who the weird woman was, I went along to the class with Trudy, TJ and Mike, and that turned out to be a mistake and to make things worse guess who turned up... Nikki!

When Mike, TJ, Trudy and I arrived at the community centre, we entered the large hall and we were ushered to be part of a line of people. We were in the first line of people right at the front of the hall. Other rows of people were behind us. "I hate being at the front," said Trudy, "The last time I was in a line of people I got six months for GBH." "I don't like it either," said Mike, "It reminds me of being in school. They always ask people at the front the questions." "I'll answer all the questions," said a smug TJ, "I'm more intelligent than you thick sh*ts anyway."

A few moments later a woman in her fifties and with medium length brown hair appeared in front of the class. She had two armed GRID soldiers behind her. One was holding a black and white cat and the other had a dog on a lead. "Now good evening everyone," the woman said, "My name is Debbie Rennison and I'll be your teacher for this class. Now what today is all about, is getting to grips with securing and quarantining infected. Now I know my stuff when it comes to self-defence, and after speaking with Jon Blade and using my own experience, we have come up with an effective way on how to secure and quarantine an infected person. Now before we start, we need to introduce ourselves. I'll start. I'm Debbie, 51, originally from Leeds. I used to be a cleaner and a sandwich artist at subway..." "A what?" said Trudy, interrupting Debbie. "A sandwich artist," said Debbie. "What the frig is a sandwich artist?" snapped Trudy. "Is it someone who paints pictures of sandwiches?" asked Mike. "No, it's someone who eats sandwiches WHILST they're painting pictures." "It's someone who makes sandwiches," said Debbie. "So just call yourself a sandwich maker," said a blunt Trudy, "I work in café frying eggs and boiling tea, but I don't call myself a food designer." "God, just shut up and let her speak," I said. "Now I do talk too much," said Debbie, "So if I'm going on too much and I'm getting on your nerves just tell me to shut up." "Shut up," said a blunt Trudy. Debbie went to the back of the room and brought forward a cage covered with a small sheet. "Now," said Debbie, "I never deliver any classes without my little animal family. Behind me is my cat Batman and my dog Buffy; a German shepherd, border collie, Rhodesian ridgeback cross." Buffy barked. "Yes, Buffy sweetheart," said Debbie, "I know I'm talking too much, and I know I need to get on with it, but you know I like a natter." Trudy frowned with confusion and looked at Debbie like she was a right weirdo. "God, she's a f*cking weirdo," Trudy said. Debbie removed the sheet from the cage she'd just brought forward to reveal a glass enclosure containing an orange coloured corn snake. A few people gasped. I was rather surprised myself. This was meant to be some sort of self-defence not an amateur f*cking petting zoo. "What the f*ck is that?" exclaimed Trudy pointing at the snake. "Well it's not a budgie is it?" I bluntly said. "This is my little baby Nagini," said Debbie. "It's a f*cking snake," snapped Trudy, "You'd better keep that thing in the cage. I hate snakes. If it comes near me, I'll snap it in half." "I love snakes," said Mike, "Can I play with it?" I noticed TJ squirming slightly. "You look scared, TJ," I said. "No," said TJ, trying to hide the fact he was scared, "F*ck off, Nanna. I'm not scared. I was on the set of Indiana Jones surrounded by snakes. Who do you think taught Harrison Ford all those moves with the whip?" "Err... Not you," I bluntly said. "Look, can we just get on with this?" snapped Trudy, "It's like Noah's Ark with all these bl**dy animals." Buffy the dog barked again. "Yes, Buffy darling," said Debbie, "I know. I'm getting on with it." "You know that dog can't actually understand what you're saying," said a blunt Trudy. "Now that's not true," said Debbie, "We have a special connection. They can understand everything I'm saying. Now, let's all introduce ourselves. Now say your name and tell me something interesting about yourself." "Right," said Trudy, trying to hurry things along, "I'm Trudy, I'm bored sh*tless, I want to get on with it, and I tend to batter people if they get on my nerves." "OK...." Said Debbie, then turning to Mike and smiling at him. "I'm Mike," said Mike, "And something interesting about me is that I have to get my knob out to be able to get into my bedroom." The room gasped and Debbie looked confused. "No," I said, trying to reassure everyone, "He means a doorknob. He has it in his pocket. God Mike, you've got a lot more interesting things to say than that." "Like what?" said Mike. "Oh, I don't know," I sarcastically said, "Chopping off someone's balls and shoving them down his throat; I'd say that's more interesting than carrying a doorknob around with you." Again, everyone in the room gasped. "Oh, I'm sure that's another misunderstanding," chucked Debbie. "It's not," said Trudy, "He was under a dead cow at the time." "You were under a dead cow and you chopped off someone's balls?" Debbie said to Mike. "I wasn't, Dump was," said Mike. "Sorry?" said Debbie. "Ronald Dump," I said. "Who's Ronald Dump?" asked Debbie. "He was under the dead cow," said Trudy. "Why was he under a dead cow?" asked Debbie. "Well if you're going to chop someone's knackers off it's harder to do it if they're not under a dead cow." "The man was evil," I said, "Look, we don't need to go over all this. Shall we move on." "Very well," said a confused Debbie then turning to me. "I'm Luke," I said, "And I was cryogenically frozen for five weeks." "Oh f*cking Hell," said TJ, "Here we go. My name's Luke and I was frozen in time. Get over yourself. Talk about an old song that gets boring quickly. Your interesting fact should have been that you've got a girl's name, you sh*t on kids in your spare time, and you've got a penis smaller than a speck of dust." "Why don't you introduce yourself," Debbie said to TJ. "I'm TJ," he said, "There are lots of interesting facts about me, but two that spring to mind, are that I have a fifteen-inch penis, and I've shagged Luke's Mum." "Oh, for f*cks sake," I said, rolling my eyes. "