I wake up to sounds coming from the baby monitor.... I look to the side and Chris is no longer in bed... Then i hear his voice coming through the monitor and i smile... He is cooing to Owen... They are 4 weeks old and doing so good... "Thats it, little man... Eat it all..." Chris cooed and i sigh... I still was struggling a little with the fact i didn't produce enough milk for our boys... We had switched to formula and i was just taking it harder than i thought i would... Somehow it feels like i am a bad mother... The only up sight to it was that i didn't have to be woken up anymore and could get some more rest... Not that i wanted that... I was scared i wouldn't bond as much with our boys as i would like...
Feeding them was bonding time, having them close to my chest... Having a connection... But i knew i had to let that go. I couldn't be selfish and let our babies starve because i felt like a failure. I sigh and drop myself in the bed until i hear footsteps and see Chris appear with both boys in his arms... "Hey..." I say pushing myself up and he smiles... "Hey angel... Did i wake you?" Chris says as he smiles at me... I shake my head.
Chris knows i am struggling and is trying his best to help me deal with it... Chris is amazing... A natural when it comes to babies... "Can you hold Owen while i feed Aiden..." He asks and i smile and nod... He hands me Owen and i cuddle him in my arms as he makes little noises and moving his little arms and legs... I kiss Owens little forehead and sigh... "I still can't believe i made these..." I mumble and Chris chuckles... "We made these..." He says smirking as he is feeding Aiden sitting on the edge of the bed... I look at him and raise an eyebrow... "You just deposited... I turned it into perfection..." I say smirking and he smirks back...
"Ah yeah... Fun times..." He says smirking and i shake my head laughing... "Sorry sappy... I know you are a bit frustrated..." I whisper and he looks at me shocked... "Angel... Stop being silly... If i am really frustrated i will take care of it myself in the shower or something..." He says grinning... "You heal and take all the time you need... It will come when you are ready..." He says and i giggle...
"You still want me?" I ask in a little voice as i am a little more unsure of my body and he smiles... "Are you kidding... As soon as you give me the green light i will .... your brains out..." He says and i giggle as he is not saying fuck because God forbid the boys hear...
"I will hold you to that..." I whisper and he smirks... I look down at a sleeping Owen and sigh... "I was thinking..." I say and Chris looks at me... "Now that we are redoing the whole house... What about an extension... Extra room for a playroom downstairs and more room for bedrooms upstairs..." I say and Chris looks a little confused... "I get downstairs... But why more bedrooms upstairs?" He asks and i shrug my shoulders... "For guest rooms... Or when our twins want their own room... Or maybe if we ever decide to adopt another kid..." I say and Chris smiles...
"You want to adopt another?" He asks and i sigh and nod... "Sorry i know people say once the babies are there you forget about all the discomfort from pregnancy and childbirth... But i can honestly say that is not true... I am never doing that again... And besides... There are so many kids looking for a good family... We have the money and means to give them a good life... Just like Jack..." I whisper and Chris leans towards me and kisses me...
"You are amazing..." He whispers when we break the kiss and i put my hand on his cheek... "So are you... I hope you are not mad..." I whisper and he shakes his head... "Angel... Yes, i always wanted a big family... But i dont care where they come from... I will love them all as if they are my own... Just like Jack... Let's get the house done first and then set things in motion. Normally adopting will take a while..." He says and i smile and nod... We sit there in silence looking at our boys until Chris breaks the silence...
"What would you say if i get a vasectomy..." He says and i look at him shocked as i had not expected that... "You are willing to do that?" I ask and he nods and smiles... "I know using birth control comes with side effects and is not healthy to use for so long... I dont want to .... my wife with a condom... I dont want to get you accidently pregnant as i know i has not been easy for you... So yes... I think a vasectomy is the best option..." He says and i tear up... "Are you serious?" I say as a tear runs down my cheek, and he kisses them away... "Dead serious..." He says and kisses me again... "If you are sure... I dont want you to regret it..." I whisper and he smiles.
"I will go to the doctor to set it up... So, when i finally can ... your brains out i can do it raw..." He says smirking and i giggle... "You know they dont understand the word fuck yet right..." I whisper as he kisses me again and he blushes... "Feels wrong to say in front of them..." He mumbles and i giggle as it is the cutest thing ever... "But you are really sure you dont want to carry another baby right?" He suddenly asks and i nod... "Yes sorry... Pregnancy is no fun... I dont think i can handle it again... I love our boys and it was not all misery... But with all the complications and things i am sure i am not willing to go through that again..." I whisper and he smiles... "That settles it... I will call the doctor tomorrow..." He says and i smile...
Aiden has finished his bottle and he switches Owen out for Aiden in my arms... He walks off and i smile as Aiden is looking at me with the same big beautiful eyes as his dad... I hear Chris talk to Owen changing his diaper before putting him back in his crib... I look at the perfect baby in my arms and suddenly doubt sets in... Was it not all worth it? I think to myself and sigh... But then i think back at all the times i felt miserable during pregnancy and the doubts disappear...
It was worth it... But i am not doing it again...
