"Good morning sweetheart..." I whisper kissing Jack's forehead. "He groans as it is really early. "You have to get up sweetheart..." I whisper and he lets out a massive sigh... "Do i really have to go to the hospital..." He says all groggy from just waking up. "I am afraid so sweetheart..." I whisper running my hands through his beautiful brown curls.
"Is it bad that i dont want to..." He whispers and i sigh and slide in the bed next to him... I pull him in my arms, and he cuddles into me... "No sweetheart... I understand that you dont want to go... And i am sorry that you have to... But we have to take you to the hospital to get better..." I whisper.
He sighs again... "Can we cuddle for a little longer..." He mumbles and i smile. "Of course..." I say and kiss the top of his head... "And we can cuddle in the hospital as much as you want to..." I whisper and he gives me a confused look... "You are going to stay with me?" He asks and now i am the one confused... "Of course... I am not going to leave you alone... Your dad and i talked and we decided that one of us is going to stay with you every night... You will not be alone..." I say and he hugs me tight... "I am sorry i got sick again..." He whispers as if it is his fault and i take in a sharp breath... It hurts to hear him say that. He thinks we blame him for getting sick again... "Dont be sorry sweetie... It is not your fault. You can't help it that you got sick again..." I say and he lets out a massive sigh again.
"Do you have any questions about what is going to happen today?" I ask and he shakes his head... "Not one?" I ask surprised and he shakes his head again... "Jack?" I say and he looks up at me his eyes red and puffy as he had been silently crying... "Do you want me to explain what is going to happen?" I ask as i realize that maybe he does not know what to ask...
I wonder if they did that the previous time... I think about his case worker and i know that probably not much had been explained to him... "You have to lay in the big machine again... You know the one where they said you had to try and be really still..." I whisper and he nods... "They are going to watch inside of your head... With that machine... To see where the spot is... And then they will put you to sleep and take a little of the spot out so they can see what it is..." I whisper hoping he understands...
"I will be asleep?" He asks and i nod... "Yes, and when you wake up your dad and i will be there..." I whisper and he nods... "Do i have to take the medicine again... The ones that made me really sick?" He asks and i can see it in his eyes. That is what he is worried about. "That we dont know yet sweetie... We will see what the doctors have to say after today..." I say and he hums...
We lay there in silence for a while. I dont want this moment to end... "Mom?" Jack whispers and i hum... "Will you hate me if i die..." He says and my breath hitches in my throat... I have been able to control myself up to this point. But if fight my tears and clear my throat.
"I could never hate you sweetie... You are my son... I love you so so so so so so much. "I say planting kisses all over his face and he giggles... "But you are not going to die okay. We are going to make you better again..." I say and he smiles... "Is that a deal?" I ask and he nods... "It is time to get up now sweetheart... Why dont you go and take a shower and put on anything you want... While i pack you some clothes... Then when you are done showering and getting dressed you pick out some toys you can take with you..." I say and he smiles...
"Can i take Maggie with me?" He asks and i nod smiling... The stuffed dog he had named after his mother had become less and less a focus of him, but now that he was scared and going through the motions again, he needed it... "Of course... Maggie has to come with... We can't leave her here all alone..." I say and he smiles... "Do you want to take the picture of your mom to?" I ask and he nods... "But i want that one to..." He whispers and i chuckle as he points to the photo of the 5 of us. The photo that we had taken when we had gotten back to Boston with the twins at my studio...
"Sure sweetheart..." I say and i push myself up. I knew we had to get out now. As much as i wanted to lay here with him all day i know we needed to get up...
While Jack is showering i pack some of his things... I make a bag ready for him to fill with toys. I put the photos with his clothes... Well with his pj's as he was not going to need everyday clothes... I packed him one set of everyday clothes for the day we could take him home again... I sigh and Jack appears freshly showered and dressed... I help him pack some toys before we walk downstairs... Lisa and Chris are taking care of the twins...
We have breakfast together, Jack sitting in Chris his lap as he just wants to cuddle. He is clingy which is understandable... But now it was really time to go... Jack hugs Lisa and she promises him she will come and visit...
Everything goes in a daze as i am on auto pilot... I feel numb as we drive away and anxious when we walk through the hospital doors.
