Chris is helping Lisa with dinner while i am cuddled up with Jack on the couch... We are watching some cartoons... But i am not really watching as i can't keep my eyes of Jack who is giggling at the cartoons... I want to print this in my brain... I want to hold on to a little normalcy for as long as i possibly can... My heart hurts... It actually hurts and not just because he is sick again... But because of his reaction. He didn't cry because of the cancer... He cried because he was not going to be able to go to school after summer break... It was still months away, but this was probably going to be a long road and he could not go to school when he was having treatment. It would be too much of a risk for his health...
"Mom... You are not watching the TV..." Jack says looking up to me and i smile as a tear runs down my cheek... "I am sorry sweetheart..." I say and he smiles... "It will be okay mom..." He whispers and i sigh and smile through my tears. "I know sweetie... You are such a strong boy..." I say and he smiles... "Yes, and i have dad and you now..." He says and i let out a sob pulling him closer holding him tight... "Yes sweetie... You have, always..." I say and hug him even tighter...
"Mom?" He says groaning and i loosen my grip a little... "Sorry..." I mumble and he giggles...He is so calm... So mature and somehow this breaks my heart even more... All the work and progress we made to have him be a little kid again seems to be gone... He cuddles into me more and i kiss the top of his head... I hear a crying sound coming through the baby monitor... I sigh and look to the kitchen were Chris and Lisa are cooking...
"It is okay mom... My brothers need you to..." He says and i smile and kiss the top of his head. "Okay... I will be right back..." I say and he nods... I sigh stand up and look over my shoulder one more time before walking upstairs... Somehow i am scared he will disappear. When i come upstairs Owen is crying his eyes out and i pick him up cradling him against my chest. "Ssssh sweetie..." I whisper and i check his diaper... "Yep you need a new diaper..." I say and go to change his diaper... I am just about done when Aiden wakes up to screaming his little longs out... I smile as i put Owen back who has calmed down and go to change Aiden's diaper...
I then take my phone out of my pocket and call downstairs to ask Chris to come help me as i dont want to carry them both down the stairs... Chris appears he smiles as he sees me... I sigh and hand him Aiden... "Are you okay angel?" He asks and i bite my lip and shake my head... "I can't stop crying... I am worried he is to calm... What if he doesn't get better... What if he is not going to beat this. What if we are not enough... We need to have our house back. I want our house back. He needs a clean and safe environment... Not that this is not that, but we need to be home... Some stability..." I say and it gets harder to breathe... "We dont have our own house... We dont have a safe space... Jack does not even have his own room to go back to when he can come home from the hospital... We are shit parents... We can't even give him a safe space his own little space..." I say spiraling. My legs tremble and Chris puts Aiden in his crib before rushing over to me.
He catches me just in time as my legs give out... I am crying tears streaming down my face as it hurts... "Why is this happening to us... Why can't we get some peace... Why do bad things keep happening..." I say sobbing and Chris holds me close... "I know angel... I know... But we are strong. We get through this. I will call the contractor and talk with him, ask him if there is anything he can do to speed up the process... You are so strong..." He whispers and i shake my head...
"I am not... I can't take it anymore... It is all too much. It hurts, it hurts so much... I can't lose my baby... I can't lose him... I can't... I can't lose him... Please... Please... I can't... Please he can't die..." I say almost in hysterics as i am inconsolably crying grasping at Chris as i am just a mess, everything is coming out... I am holding onto him for dear life as my legs dont hold me up anymore and he sinks down to the floor with me... I can't stop it anymore. I had tucked it away as best as i could for Jack, but the dam had broken and i just couldn't take it anymore...
"I know it is hard angel... But we have to be strong... We have to be strong for our boy... He needs us..." He murmurs and i can hear his voice is shaky before he kisses the top of my head... "Cry it out... Cry it all out but when we go downstairs i need you to be strong... For Jack..." He whispers gently in my ear...
"Jack asked if everyone could come over for dinner so ma is calling everyone right now... Jack wants to spend time with his family... With us..." Chris says and i sob even harder... "It is not fair... It is not fair..." I keep saying over and over as Chris rocks me back and forth rubbing my back...
I dont know how long when we sat like that when Owen starts to cry again... This snaps me out of it and i push myself back... "I love you so much angel... We will get through this... Jack will get through this..." He whispers wiping my tears away... I take a deep breath and kiss him... "I love you to..." I say and he smiles before i stand up... "Go freshen yourself up angel... I will take the boys downstairs..." Chris says kissing me again and i take a deep breath and nod... I give him another quick kiss before making my way to the bathroom.
I splash some water in my face and look in the mirror. Chris is right i need to be strong. I am no use to Jack if i am a blubbering mess... He needs us to fight for him to help him through this... I take a deep breath and slaps some more water in my face before drying it. I fix my hair and take a deep breath again before walking downstairs...
