Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

The Fall of Mangiatorvi

By:  Ivy279

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

-The cover is nice and clean, yet nothing stands out and the font can perhaps use a little embellishment. The crown is a nice touch.

-The blurb seems to do a good job at covering necessary aspects.

-The title is nice and unique, but it might be difficult or someone to remember or spell the name if wanting to recall or suggest the story to someone else. It does, however, generate interest and curiosity.

Mechanics:

- There are no errors spotted, and the sentence structure looks good.

-There are many instances in which the metaphors and eloquence sets this story apart from a lot of the other stories on this platform.

-The pacing is a little interesting in the beginning. We start off with training but then we are suddenly hit with a big event. Perhaps a bit more building up to the event, with more about the character so we can really empathize with her situation.

-If we could name her power, explain explicitly what her supernatural abilities are, it would perhaps help the reader better visualize the situation

-It seemed a little much to include an extensive scene with Naomi's background. Maybe consider cutting it down to a couple paragraphs explaining the prophecy and how she found Gemma.

-The conversations in chapter six don't seem particularly natural and perhaps the exposition can be integrated in a different way.

Plot:

-A couple notes on the plot- Though the execution of the story is pretty good, there's not a lot that stands out as different from a lot of other stories in this genre. A magic prodigy, who doesn't know how powerful they are, goes to school of magic and then changes the world. It is also noted that there doesn't seem to be much of a reason for the deportation.

This story is well done, and perhaps with some changes to make it stand out from the rest, it can really shine. Good luck with your writing journey!