Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

The Brats of St Bastian

By: skylark257

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title) 

- Title: The title seems appropriate for the story. 

- Cover: The cover is simple but it gets the job done. 

- Blurb: The blurb seems to cover all the bases in a clear way. 

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.)

- There doesn't seem to be any glaring grammar issues.

- There were a couple of odd phrases in the first chapter, such as 'a pile of sweat and dust.' that maybe can be reworded a bit to bring clarity to the readers.

Plot:

- The first chapter maybe can use a little more context in terms of where they are specifically, their setting, and who the main characters are as far as descriptions and personality. It was tricky to figure out which sport it was at first, with basketball only being mentioned once. Perhaps some descriptions of the court (wood floors? gymnasium? outdoors, or indoors?) would be helpful. 

- There were a couple of moments that could perhaps use a little more explanation. For example, at the end of the first chapter, (or maybe more at the start of the second chapter) it is not explained how Derek Bastian knew that they were from Rutherford. Perhaps it isn't even known by the narrator, but maybe it could be acknowledged that the narrator didn't know how Bastian knew they were from another school.

- Another part that was a little confusing was the relationship between the schools. One school seems to be way more powerful than the other. Although it is noted that this is the way that the dynamic is set up on purpose, it feels drastically unbalanced. But it is still early on so there is opportunity to learn about the schools' history later on.

Characters

- One suggestion would be to be careful of making Derek too unlikable from the very beginning, for even if he is the 'badboy,' it helps to see a glimmer of a redeeming quality early on so readers can find a reason to become fully engaged with the characters.

- It will be interesting to see how the characters develop as we learn more about their unique personalities.

So far, this story seems to have a lot of tension and more to unravel as it goes on. Best of luck with your writing journey!