Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

Adventuring with Analise

By: DreamingBelieving

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

-Title: The title is alright.

-Cover: The cover is nice.

-Blurb: The blurb is fine.

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.)

While there are not many typos, there are grammar issues here and there and some sentences are phrased in ways that are confusing and perhaps could use some revision.

Plot & Characters

- In chapter five, Toby says that "his mom and my mom are sisters, and my dad is Korean, so I'm a mutt." This can be seen as offensive, even if the character is talking about themselves, perhaps even if it's in a sort of self-deprecating way. Some alternatives to consider might be "mixed" or "biracial" instead of "mutt."

-In Chapter 31, when asked why they can't live with their parents it is said that the reason is because the landlord does not allow children. However, in the United States, (as this story takes place in Chicago), it is illegal to discriminate against families with children, as per the Fair Housing Act of 1968. While there may be some exceptions to the law or their landlord is not complying to the law, perhaps consider leaving the part about the parents out and Analise can just be concerned that the relationship is moving too quickly instead of asking about her parents.

- In Chapter 36, the sequence of events leaves some questions. [Spoilers ahead, but we will try to be vague] The gang is outnumbered and unarmed (as they were instructed to drop weapons and kick them away), but after the inciting incident happened, "all hell broke loose," Drew pulled out his gun and picked off people, while the enemies looked outraged. This seems confusing because it seemed like they were surrounded by armed gang members, so this seems unlikely. 

There are some good tension and action in this story. Wishing you the best on your writing adventures!