Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

State of Mind

By: BijeQJ

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

- Title: The title is nice.

- Cover: The cover is nice and legible.

- Blurb: The blurb is a bit difficult to track, especially when it brings up the father's prophecy that isn't really addressed in the story.

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.):Instead of adding certain actions within asterisks, perhaps integrate the action into the story narration. For example, in chapter 3, it says, *Cocks gun* 

To improve flow, maybe it could sound something like, "I heard the unmistakable click as she cocked her gun." instead.

There are quite a few point of view changes in the chapter. While this is alright, perhaps consider doing less changes in point of view per chapter. So for example, the first part can be from Ava's POV and then second part of the chapter can be in Osvaldo's POV instead of alternating between the two points of view frequently within the chapter. Or, perhaps try writing in third person point of view.

Plot

The plot is interesting and has various twists and turns. The last chapter had kind of a lot of things happening all at once, so maybe expanding that into a couple chapters would help the ending not be too rushed.

Characters

- Dante is introduced quite suddenly without much background or context. In the paragraph that we first see Dante in, perhaps expand a little on where she met him and what her relationship with him is. 

- Ava had development and different emotions that for the most part made sense. 

This story has a unique sense of plot and has a lot of great ideas to explore. Wishing you the best on your writing journey!