Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

Aquiver

By: ChasingMists

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

-Title: Aquiver seems like a fitting title

-Cover: The cover features (who I assume to be) Drew Taggart holding a microphone, but the story is an AU, so he isn't a musician in this story. Although the character strives to be a musician, music isn't the central plot. Perhaps a photo of him without a microphone would better convey the story line. 

-Blurb: The blurb is fine.

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.)

- There are some grammar mistakes, so maybe the assistance of an editor might help. There seems to already have been an editor's help, but perhaps the help of another can catch any other errors that may have been previously missed.

Plot & Characters

- It is a little confusing because when some of the characters are introduced, they are not explained in terms of who they are exactly. A little mystery is fine, but the longer we are left in the dark as to how someone is significant, the longer the reader is confused. For example, it was reported that Alex was seen sneaking into Pauline's room, but there is no explanation as to who Pauline is in relationship to Alex.

- His sudden appearance was not questioned by Freya at first. It feels like that would be one of the first things asked- what are you doing here, how did you find me, etc.

-There are some explanations that are missing. For example:

          - In Chapter three, she demands that he gets out of his car, and he does. Then, in Chapter four, around the seventh paragraph, it says, "Looking out of the window..." but it never mentioned that she got in the car or that they were driving or where they were going. So we don't know where they are or that the traveled when they arrive at a location in Chapter five. It does say "I'm here leaving my classes too...," but where is he going is unexplained and it might be good to explain that he offers her a ride, or she accepts the ride, etc.

          - In Chapter 12, it says "I don't know many people that I can interact with here and drinking is not one of my greatest likings right now. The drinks seem cheap anyway." and then later, at the end of the section, "The face is not much clear from the amount of alcohol that I've gulped in, but I smile back anyway." which seems strange because earlier it implied that she hadn't had any or didn't want any alcohol. So if she did in fact have alcohol in spite of her dismay, perhaps it's good to say so.           - In Chapter 15, she couldn't find the friend who invited her to the party, but what we found curious is that there is no mention of the fact that they could've used a cell phone to locate each other. Perhaps consider adding in a sentence that explains why that might've not been a possibility- such as one of them ran out of battery, was too drunk/occupied to answer, phone got smashed, etc.

- A couple notes about college:

          - How can she afford to live in her own apartment in college? Not many college students can afford to live by themselves, they usually at least have a roommate.

          - In Chapter 15, while texting Drew that she's in college, it's mentioned that she hopes he doesn't try anything funny because she wanted to avoid detention. Colleges generally don't have detention as a disciplinary measure. If a student is being extremely disruptive, they might just be asked to leave. Same thing goes for the mention of detention a couple of paragraphs prior when she didn't want to get detention because she was too chatty.

This story is easy to read, as the sentences flow nicely, and the characters have a distinctive voices. Best of luck to you on your writing journey!