Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

Scripted in Blood

By: FirstNailInTheCoffin

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

- Title: The title is good. 

- Cover: The cover is fine. 

- Blurb: The blurb is alright. 

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.)

- There are some grammar issues to take a look at. Not a lot, but it might help to read it aloud or enlist the help of an editor.

-  A lot of the sentences start with the same word. For example, in Chapter 1, in the sixth paragraph, a lot of the description sentences start with "the". "The mahogany construction..." The gold face of the clock...""The large hand steadily moved..."

Plot & Characters 

- In Chapter 2, there's a switch to third person POV in the middle, with the scene of Felix and Yona Yukihira.

- There are a lot of characters and most are introduced well, but there are some without introductions. At the end of Chapter 3, it mentions the name Adelia Colibri, but there is no explanation as to who she is. Also, in Chapter 5, the character Dhruv appears but there is no context as to who he is, in Chapter 8 there's  a woman named Hannah, and in Chapter 11, the scene with Juliette was hard to understand because she was not introduced earlier. Even if there are family/gang trees at the beginning of the story, it might be a good idea to remind readers who these people are and what their relationship with the main characters is.

- Chapter 6: Why include an incest scene? Even though it is acknowledged that this shows that these people are very bad, it seemed like it wasn't necessary especially because it wasn't in the point of view of the two main characters. 

- Chapter 7 is very rushed.

- There are a lot of characters and kind of a complex plot going on, so as a reader, it's easy to get lost in the politics and the structure.

- Chapter 20 does not help us root for the main character. 

This seems like quite the thrilling story, we wish you the best of luck to you in your writing journey!