Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

White Peony

By dreamlucid2

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

-Title: The title works.

-Cover: The cover is nice.

-Blurb: The blurb is good.

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.)

- We did not see any grammar mistakes 

 - Be careful of having too much expositional dialogue.

Plot & Characters

- One question we had was what color is topaz? Topaz is a gemstone that can come in multiple colors.

- Chapter one had graphic descriptions of her period. While it is recognized that this is natural and a real aspect of a woman's life, it seemed a bit excessively visceral.

- In chapter three, there are parts of her thought that are in between two asterisks and are in third person. For example, after she thinks "I just have to keep our conversations light and airy," it says "thinks about his graduate work and lifestyle portraits" within two asterisks. Perhaps instead of doing this, we can keep the point of view consistent by saying something like, "I stop to think about his graduate work and lifestyle portraits" or "I suddenly remember..." This also helps break up the large paragraphs of just her thoughts.

- Also in chapter three, it's curious that Julia somehow knows that it was Abby who brought the doughnuts that were just sitting there on the counter.

- Since we reviewed another story of yours, it was noticed that the ex-boyfriend is a similar character. He is a removed douche who ends up being exposed as cheating, but then comes back in a rage to the MC's workplace. The MC also falls for the boss, which is similar.

Best of luck with your writing journey!