Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

Running From the Destiny

By: Darkness181104

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

-Cover: The cover is fine but the "Running from the" is a little hard to read.

-Blurb: The blurb is fine.

-Title: When referring to destiny, there is typically no article. So the title would read "Running from Destiny." Also, periods are not used for the most part.

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.)

The grammar is fine for the most part.

Plot & Characters

- The very beginning isn't the most engaging. Perhaps a hook would pull in more readers.

- The pacing is a bit slow.

- There are a lot of characters introduced at once in the first few chapters, so it's hard to remember who is who.

- It's strange that they worship deamons, as usually deamons are seen as negative.

- It is unclear when this story takes place. Because it mentions kingdoms and royalty, it was assumed this took place in the middle ages, but in Chapter 1, Part 2, it says she felt like she was watching a horror movie, and in Chapter 6 it mentions that the newspaper article lacked a photo and there are mentions of guns. Also, she switched on a bathroom light in chapter 10 and had waffles and maple syrup in chapter 11 (maple syrup wasn't used until the 1600s, North America)

At the end of chapter 14 in the author's note, it says that this is supposed to take place in the 17th or 18th century, but the comment still stands that the time period is unclear and there are inconsistencies in historical accuracy.

- Diana seems to transition from being treated like a royal to serving someone else (Azazel) also too quickly and without a problem.

- Though it is acknowledged that substituting swear words is intentional for censoring, it makes it hard to take the character seriously when she is supposed to be a hardened "monster" as she is described in chapter 8.

- At some point, perhaps describe khava, kaftan, and other unfamiliar italicized words in more depth.

This story has some good moments of tension and adventure. Best of luck to you in your writing journey!