Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

MADMAN

By: NathanTKenny

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

-Title: The title seems appropriate.

-Cover: The cover has a nice picture, but the subtitle can use a more interesting font.

-Blurb: The blurb as two epigraphs or quotes in the beginning, but it might be best to keep one to keep it simple. The blurb is a little all over the place and can be tightened up a bit.

The excerpt is a little long and doesn't help the reader get a good feel for the plot or encourage engagement. It has nothing to do with the central plot.

Also for the two quotes in first chapter, it might be better to choose one.

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.)
There doesn't seem to be any obvious grammatical errors, but a lot of sentences start with "He." Perhaps changing up the first word of the sentence or using the man's name more frequently will help the sentence variety.
Plot:

- There is a lot of arguing that is grating after a while, the tension in the family seems to kind of cultivate an unpleasantly unnecessary hostility.

- The other children's presence kind of got lost Ch.2, part 3. The wife & kids joined him for dinner at six. They asked about the kid's opinions on their rooms But then when the argument first broke out over dinner, they didn't seem to have a reaction or get upset, or have much of a presence. And there's just one sentence about their reaction, and it wasn't enough to realize they were there.

-There is a lot of swearing, above average for a family. Especially with younger kids. If it's just the way the family is, acknowledge that it's in their nature to swear more than average.

- At the end of part 1, chapter 2: the sentence "Art thought for a moment, how? and then realized all the junk that was in the box spilled out over the pavement." feels like it needs to be explained a little more. How..what? How did he know there was a cat? What kind of junk was it? And what does that have to do with the cat?

Characters - It is a bit confusing as to who is who, so more description and specific personality traits, quirks, or habits might be helpful.

This story definitely hits the creepy factor, but some of the relationships and interactions with the family are a little disjoint at times. But it seems to be progressing nicely, so keep up the good work!