Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

Oken Rebirth: Anecdotes of An Unknown World

By:  mageauteur

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

-Cover: The cover is great.

-Blurb: The blurb is fine but the excerpt is a bit long for just a preview.

-Title: The title is fine.

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.)

The grammar is fine for the most part. There's a couple typos here or there, so a good read through or editor might help.

Plot & Characters

- We noticed that there's quite a bit of info dumping in the beginning. If one would skip the first chapter, the story seems to still make sense. There are other times in the story where there are also a lot of names introduced at once (Like in Chapter 11) so it's hard to keep up.

- There are quite a few side notes that take you out of the story. Instead of side notes, perhaps try integrating the information into the story so as not to disrupt the narrative. In chapter one, the information about the month of Soi can just be written without the use of the title "side note" since it's in third person. In the following chapters, the side notes can be integrated by having the character "remember" parts of this information, and/or by just telling the audience the info.

- It somehow seems a bit odd that the mother was so unreasonably cruel to her daughter.

- In Chapter 4, it's unclear that the story is following a different person because in Chapter 3, she enters the forrest.

- In the last few paragraphs of Chapter 8, it switches to third person point of view and then back to first.

- There's sometimes so much boldface and/or pictures that it makes it hard to read, like in Chapter 11.

This story has some exciting adventure, magic, and conflict. Best of luck to you in your writing journey!