Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

Return of the Fight

By: Ahudrim

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

-Title: From the few chapters that are posted, the title does not seem to make much sense. Perhaps something that reads more 'video game' might better represent the story, as "Return of the Fight" is a little broad and can represent a lot of different genres and plot lines.

-Cover: The cover is very vague and does not give readers any idea as to what the story is about. Something that might be more fitting is a cover that is video game themed or a girl.

-Blurb: For the blurb, maybe in addition to or instead of the excerpt, add a summary-like paragraph so the readers have an idea as to the general plot of the story.

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.)

- Not too many glaring grammar issues, but perhaps more dialogue tags would help track who is talking.

- Though it is understood that NPC is a common term that a lot of people know already, it might be good to define it or spell it out at least once near the beginning of the story so that readers can know for sure what you are talking about at least for those who aren't inherently gamers.

- The same thing goes for "DLC" mentioned in chapter five.

Plot & Characters

- There are some clever lines in this story, such as "Um... censorship won't let me say the first thing that comes to mind."

- Be careful to avoid letting Lilith fall into the "Mary Sue" category.

- The name "Lilith" is often associated with a demon figure in Jewish mythology and also in other religious texts. This may be distracting to some, unless this name choice was intentional.

- Oriana is mentioned a couple of times, but without much context as to who this person is or what role they play in relationship to the main characters, or in this case, the hero. Astoria is also a character who is mentioned, and seems to be recognized by Raiden, but it is not mentioned why she is significant or known by the hero. Or if it was mentioned before, it might be good to refresh the reader's memory.

This is a good start to a story, it has lot of opportunity for an interesting adventure. Best of luck with your writing journey!