Elephant Reviews [CFCU]

After Death

By: viba95

First Impressions (ex. Cover, blurb, title)

-Title: The title is fine

-Cover: The cover is good, but the author's name is a bit simple.

-Blurb: The blurb has excessive exclamation points and question marks, but is good content wise.

Mechanics (ex. Grammar, sentence structure, etc.)

There are some grammar mistakes.

Plot & Characters

- Perhaps start the story with her waking up in the afterlife and tell the story of her death in retrospect instead of a chapter that shows how her life used to be in a rushed way.

- In the 5th Chapter, "Astral," they were sitting in Riya's house, and then they heard a knock on the door and saw another guy standing near the door. They didn't invite him in or walk to the door, but the next thing that is happening is that they are shaking hands and conversing.

- There is no need for more than one question mark at one time, like at the end of the chapter titled "Him."

- A lot of the sentences end the same way.

For example, in the chapter "Rules," these three sentences in a row end with:

"...we both said that in a mocking tone." "...Alex said that in a serious tone.""...Alex added that in a warning tone."Perhaps try to vary up the ending to keep from sounding too repetitive. 

Some ways to change it up are:

"...we both said, teasing him."And then for the next two sentences, consider combining the sentences and putting the dialog tag in the middle like:"I know all the guys are here, but I have never seen someone based on your description," Alex said seriously, and then added, "Be careful Sarah, you don't know what's real and what's an illusion here."

- In the chapter titled "Party," it mentions a banyan tree. Perhaps it would help readers picture what's going on if there is more description of what a banyan tree looks like.

- Some of the new terms and concepts can use more explanation and maybe time for readers to understand them.

- Perhaps add more in-depth personality traits and quirks to the main character so she's unique. 

This is an interesting story with some imagination and mystery. Best of luck to you in your writing journey!