Stupid Supergirl AU's

Lena's File

~This chapter won't be set out like the others~

"No, please! Kelly, I'm sorry! It won't happen again!" Lena begged, trying to stop Kelly from reading the file aloud.
"No Lena! You said you'd get sober. Now, here's the things Lena has said during therapy." Kelly looked around.
"Start at the first session." Alex requested.

Session 1:
"I'm sorry I'm so incredibly sexy. But you know what I'm not sorry for? Being emotionally unstable. Lesbians love that shit. All I need to do is throw on a flannel and some vans and I'm the lesbian fantasy."

"Kara said that she's scared that if I ever woke up as a potsticker, she'd eat me. How do I tell her that tomorrow when I wake up as me I want her to eat me?"

"I've done nothing wrong! I swear!...aside from taping Lex to Lillian's leg when she was taking a nap on the couch. By the way, he could've screamed and woken her up- oh wait, I just remembered I had duct taped an apple in his mouth. Never mind!"

Session 2:
"It's called gay rights. Because I'm gay and, don't tell Kara, but I'm always right. Also, if it was gay wrongs than I'd be held accountable for all the lesbians I've emotionally destroyed by existing."

"I sleep with a stuffed bear when Kara isn't home. Mainly because I'm a whore for cuddles."

"Can you make a note that I have to get Kara a mental health evaluation? She isn't looking at me like the fucking snack I am."

Session 3:
"I'm going to be fine. It's just a crush. It's nothing compared to the crushing weight of my existence."

"I'm not crying! My mascara is just watery."
Kelly: "It's okay to cry Le-"
Lena: "IM NOT FUCKING CRYING! IM A LUTHOR! I AM THE PRINCESS OF DARKNESS!"
Kelly: "...You sleep with a stuffed bear."

"Just for reference, I hate everyone and everything-"
Kelly: "What about Kara?"
"Okay, never mind, post cancelled."
Kelly: "What?"
"Oh, Nia told me I should say that if I ever wanted to take back something I said."

"Kelly, what are you doing?"
Kelly: "Calling a therapist."
"Why?"
Kelly: "To let them know that I'll be needing backup."

"So Kara and I were having sex last night. And she slammed me against the wall-"
Kelly: "Oh no."
"Then she got mad at the wall for touching my butt. Now there's a hole in the wall and I didn't get to finish."
Kelly: "Never touching any walls in our house ever again."

Session 4:
Kelly: "I have a PhD. I can get anyone to open up for me."
"If you think that a fancy qualification is going to get me to open up and tell you my problems. Then you're wrong. Kara doesn't have a qualification and I open up for her real quick."
Kelly: "I meant emotionally!"

"Kara got bangs and, because I'm a slut for her, I said I liked them...I now feel some kind of feeling I've never experienced."
Kelly: "It's guilt because you lied to her."
"Thanks. I hate it. How to I get rid of it?"
Kelly: "You tell her the truth."
"Nope, can't do that. I'm in too deep. I'll just tell her I wanna eat out someone who doesn't have bangs."

"I am this close to jumping out of the window."
Kelly, glancing down and returning her attention to her notebook: "You're fingers were literally touching."
"And my leg's already out of the window."
Kelly: "Lena no!"

Session 5:
"Thanks for coming last night, I really appreciated it."
Kelly: "Lena! Get off your phone. Say goodbye to Kara."

Session 6:
Kelly: "So Lena, how was your weekend?"
"It was great! Kara gave me some stress relief."
Kelly: "Aww, that was nice of her."
"Yeah! The orgasms were fantastic."
Kelly: "The first reply would've sufficed Lena."

"Don't look at me like that."
Kelly: "Like what?"
"Like you're concerned for my wellbeing. I'm not used to it. It's making me uncomfortable."

Kelly: "Alright, this is a box-"
"Kelly, I know what a box is."
Kelly: "I kno-"
"Are you calling me stupid? I am a scientist you cock sucker!"
Kelly: "You're obviously stupid if you think I suck cock."

Session 7:
"I'm starting to rethink saying yes to marrying Kara."
Kelly: "Why?"
~Earlier that day~
"Babe, I think I want to start gardening."
Kara: "Why? You're already my hoe."
"I'm throwing your kale off the port."

"Kara admitted I was right yesterday. So now I'm starting to think that she's planning something."

"The next person who makes me happy, is going to get severely beaten with a metal pole. I can't have happiness. I have a reputation to uphold."

Session 8:
"I promised myself that my wife would be the perfect person. But yesterday, I drove through a car wash and Kara got overly excited and got out of the car to take a shower. So now I'm not even sure that she's a person."

"The way I see it, I could've either been a whore for Supergirl or a scientist."
Lillian: "YOU'RE BOTH!"
Kelly: "Why'd I agree to do family counselling?"
Alex: "Because you're a whore for Supergirl's sister."
Nia: "Guys, why'd you make me sit between Lillian and Lena?"
Lillian: "They thought it would save me from Lena's ninja stars."
Kelly: "How did you even sneak those in?"
"Alex made out with you while I walked through the door."

Session 9:

"So Kara touched my ass this morning."
Kelly: "Okayyy."
"I wasn't even aware that I owned a Donkey."

"Kara just texted me asking if I can buy Taco Bell. She clarified that she meant the actual company, all because they're closing down one store. Is it too late for a divorce?"

Session 10:
"You ever look at someone and wonder why they haven't kissed someone yet?"
Kelly, reading Supercorp fanfics: "Every single day of my life."

"I wish Kara was my calculus homework so I could do her on the desk. But she is my calculus homework because I'm frustrated that I can't do her."
Kelly: "You are literally a grown woman who's not in high school ANDDD you're a literal genius who does calculus for fun."

"Yes I'm smart, yes I'm a dumbass. Yes it's usually because Kara is in the room."

"I bet Kara would look amazing gripping the sheets of my bed."
Kelly: "That better mean that you fantasise about Kara doing your laundry or making your bed, otherwise I will throw you out of that window."

"Kara and I should do something sweet."
Kelly: "Aww, like what?"
"Like fuck on your desk next time you decide to take a break."
Kara, crashing through the window: "I'm down!"
Kelly: "Jesus take the fucking wheel."

Kelly: "Are you okay?"
"IM FUCKING GAY AND I WANT TO BE FUCKING ANOTHER GAY WHO'S NAME IS KARA!"

"You'd think by now I would've been addicted to shutting the fuck up when it comes to emotions. But no. Here I am. Crying. While my sister-in-law records it. *Stops crying* Also, Kara's still lying to me. She said she didn't eat my donut, but she had powder on her jeans."

Kelly: "Maybe try minimalism. Get rid of everything that makes you stressed.
Kelly, watching Lena text: "What are you doing? What are you typing?"
"I'm filing for divorce. You said get rid of anything that makes me stressed."

"Mother used to tell me to sit up straight. Look at me now. Sitting as gay as I truly am."