ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

REACHING OUT

After saying goodbye to Oli in Atlanta, I did everything in my power to keep myself busy. I buried myself in study, I signed up for a meditation class and I started tagging along with Cassidy to her night-time yoga classes. I guess I didn't want to just mope around and feel sorry for myself, though I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss Oli every time I crawled into my cold, lonely bed. I missed affection, I missed intimacy and I missed knowing that someone wanted me - even if it was only in a physical way. Even more than that, I missed talking to him and joking around, I missed his company, and I really, really missed seeing his heart-stopping smile.

I knew Oli was at home in the UK because he posted photos of things in Sheffield, his dogs, his family and he posted selfies pretty much every day too. I loved seeing those little glimpses into his life but even though I liked every photo, it made me feel a little down. He seemed so happy to be home in his normal life. He certainly didn't seem to be missing me and I hadn't heard from him at all, not even a like on the photo I posted when I left Atlanta; the one of him on stage, where I said I had the time of my life. I guess deep down I knew he didn't care about me and I guess I never really expected him to give me a second thought once he left, but I wished he did. I wished I could do the same thing as him and just move on from our fling and totally forget about him, but I couldn't... not yet. I missed him too much. I know it sounds crazy to miss someone you only knew for a couple of weeks so intensely, but I did. I guess being with him 24/7 for a week made it feel like I knew him a lot longer.

In the days following my return to San Francisco, I told Cassidy every single detail from my time with Oli; every word he'd said to me, every touch, every little moment that gave me a glimmer of hope that it could be something more than just sex. She listened and remained supportive, even though I drove her crazy by talking about him all the time. Her opinion and interpretation helped me see another perspective to it all though... she may have been right in saying I was reading into everything too much, and she was probably correct in saying that I saw him through rose-coloured glasses.

After a couple of weeks of being home I had accepted things, but I was in a bit of a slump. I loved Cassidy and I loved my home town, but life felt mundane after the adventure I had been on with Bring Me The Horizon. On top of that, they were about to head off on their European tour so I had to try and ignore my feelings of jealousy. I hated the thought of some new girl taking the place in Oli's bed that I had here in America, and I hated the idea of him just replacing me so easily. The thought of him sleeping with someone else made me uncomfortable because I had real, genuine feelings for him, even if I was trying to bury them or convince myself otherwise. It wasn't like I couldn't function without him, or that I felt depressed that he was going to move on, but letting him in and getting close to him made me remember what it was like to have someone and I guess it made life after Oli feel pretty lonely. I wanted someone in my life so much, but I didn't feel ready to open up - unless it was to him again.

Cassidy was always motivating me to get out and do things though we were lounging around at home one Saturday afternoon as it poured with rain outside. We were watching a movie since the weather had ruined our plans to go and hike to the lighthouse over at Point Bonita, so I was feeling super lazy and pretty unmotivated to do anything. The movie was so far-fetched that I wasn't really getting into it, so I was happy for the distraction when my phone buzzed with a notification right around 3pm. I hadn't posted anything anywhere in a few days though, so it was probably just going to be some random spam or something. I saw the notification on the instagram app, and then the little paper plane sitting over my DM's link, so I clicked it.

When I saw the username at the top of my messages thread; bolded out so I'd know it was a new, unread message, my heart felt like it dropped into my stomach. A rush of numbness flowed from my head all the way down to my toes and I sat up in a state of shock. Oli had sent me a message and I suddenly felt a combination of overwhelming excitement mixed with fear.

My heart was racing and I felt like my fingers were numb, but I smiled as I saw the photo he'd sent of himself with his dogs. His face wasn't exactly in it, but his hair and neck tattoos were undeniable and I didn't stop smiling as I sat there and read his words either. His message was short and simple, telling me he was no longer homesick, but the fact that he'd reached out to me made me so suddenly happy. I knew it didn't really mean anything had changed or that he wanted anything from me, but I just felt good knowing that he hadn't completely forgotten about me. I guess maybe he did care about me in some tiny way after all.