I never thought that giving Oli Sykes a plastic rose at my first BMTH show would lead to this...
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Two friends; Willow & Cassidy, travel cross-country following their favourite band, Bring Me The Horizon on to...
As I sat at my gate, waiting for my plane to fly me back home to San Francisco, Cassidy messaged me and asked if I was OK and what time I'd be home. I lied and said I was fine and told her that I landed at 5:30pm due to the time difference. The truth was that I was a mess. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened with Oli and how by the end of our time together, I felt so comfortable and happy and completely in love. I sat by the airport window at 2pm and watched what I'm sure was their plane take off, and tears streamed down my face as it lifted up into the air toward the clouds. Watching that plane leave was the worst thing I could have done to myself. I felt like a dagger was impaled straight into my heart and I was bleeding out as it tore down the middle.
I posted a photo to instagram of Oli once I was sitting on the plane. I wanted an ending, and I wanted him to know how much being with him had meant to me, though I didn't know how to say it. I wanted to tell him exactly how much I adored him and how much I had loved being in his company, in his arms, in his bed... but I couldn't. I sat with the photo for 20 minutes, changing the caption, trying to find the right thing to say... I didn't want him to think I was some desperate, obsessed fan-girl who caught feelings or something, but maybe that was exactly what I was. I felt pathetic. In the end I ended up writing something short and simple that I hoped would say it all; 'The time of my life'.
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I hit 'post' as the attendant said they were closing the doors ready for take-off, so I turned off my phone and stared out the window into the darkness. I was on my way back to my 'real life' in San Francisco, back to Cassidy, and back to being Willow again. My alter-ego 'Roses' had wilted and died when Oli left; her fragile petals falling helplessly in her sadness, but I still had her tattooed on my hip, in full bloom, to remind me of the biggest, most exciting and most spontaneous adventure I would ever go on.
I felt drained and devastated the entire way home and sat curled up against the window, turning down drinks and food and just thinking about everything I'd done over the past two weeks. Tears escaped my eyes when I thought about moments I'd had with Oli; those little moments where it felt like we got close and connected emotionally; those little moments that we wouldn't have ever again. I looked through all of the photos on my phone, reliving every moment and memory I had captured, but it made it worse. I already missed him, and it had only been a few hours.
When I arrived in San Francisco, Cassidy was waiting for me as I came down the escalator and as soon as I saw her I burst into tears. She ran over and I hung my head as she wrapped her arms around me. I knew she knew why I was so upset. "Oh sweetie..." she said softly. I just cried. "I fell in love with him, Cass." I whispered. "I know you did, baby." she replied as she stroked my hair. She let me cry for a while, then got my bag from the carousel and walked me to the car park. I knew she wasn't judging me, she never did, but I felt absolutely pathetic for being so upset over something I always knew was coming.
She slept in my bed with me that night, cuddling me since she knew how upset being alone in my bed would make me, though I didn't really sleep. I just kept thinking about everything that had happened, and how close I'd gotten to Oli - despite always being at arms length. Even with Cassidy beside me, I felt more alone than ever. I was really upset, but as I laid there reminiscing I found myself smiling at the memories too, and I guess deep down I knew that eventually I'd be OK.
The past couple of weeks really had been the time of my life, and while I knew that over time the feelings I developed for Oli would fade, I would never forget our time together, and I'd still always think of him whenever I saw roses.
