ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

HOPE

Days passed. Time dragged. I was stuck in a hole of self-hate and self-pity. I didn't even bother getting out of bed other than to use the bathroom... 

On Friday morning I was awoken to Cassidy squealing loudly, so loud that I heard her in the lounge room from my bed. "WILLS... WILLS!" she screamed as she came bounding into my room and jumped onto my bed. I was barely even awake. "What the fuck..." I groaned. I wasn't in the mood. "WILLS! YOU'RE A FINALIST!" she screamed as she shoved her phone into my face. Eugghh it was too early. Well, it was actually like 10am... but considering I spent all of my days in bed listening to the demons in my head, 10am was early. "What?" I questioned as I dragged myself up a little in the worst mood ever.
"You're one of the ten finalists for the scholarship! In Costa Rica!" she squealed with the biggest smile. With everything going on, I had completely forgotten about that... "Look!!!" she squealed as she tried shoving her phone in my face again. I looked at the website she had on screen naming the 10 finalists for the scholarship and sure enough, there it was: 'Willow Madison, San Francisco, USA'. "You beat like 5,000 people!" she squealed. "You have nearly a 50% chance of getting it!!!!!!" she added. As it sunk in, I suddenly felt like a little ray of sunshine burst through the darkness inside my body and for the first time in days, I actually felt kind of good. "I'm so fucking proud of you! My little eco warrior!!" she laughed as she hugged me tightly. 

She sat back and read the entire announcement aloud to me, getting crazy excited when she read that as a finalist I'd receive a bunch of prizes. I couldn't really believe it, but it was exciting and honestly, it took my mind off Mexico completely. I was smiling for the first time in days and for a moment at least, I didn't hate myself. It was still 2 weeks until the announcement of the 4 winners who would actually get to travel to Costa Rica, but I would give anything to win and be on that trip – it would make the biggest difference when applying for a dream job in a few years, and in the short term, it would seriously boost my self esteem that was at an all time low.
"Wills, you HAVE to come out tonight now. To celebrate!" she said excitedly. Oh God, that party. I guess she hadn't given up on the idea of me going, even though it was less than 12 hours away. I can't deny that I did feel better after the news, but I still really didn't feel like being social, so I told her I'd think about it. 

Laying in bed and thinking about the scholarship, I started thinking a little clearer. Maybe I was letting heartbreak consume me too much, maybe I was being pathetic, maybe it was time for me to try and forget about it. As much as I didn't want to face the world again, ever, deep down I knew it would be good to get out of the apartment. A distraction would probably be a good thing and maybe it would help me heal. Thinking about anything that wasn't about Mexico and Oli Sykes would be a good thing! 

Being announced as a finalist for the scholarship made me feel better about myself and a little more positive about the world, so when Cassidy came to my room to deliver lunch and asked again if I was going to go with her to the party, I decided I would. I should try and go out, even if I came home early. "I'll come for an hour, but that's all." I finally said. She launched herself at me and squeezed me so tightly at my response. She was so happy. "I'm soooo excited! Don't you worry about anything, I'll find you a dress and do your hair and makeup. I'll make you look  fucking stunning so Ol... uh, 'fuckhead' realises what he's missing!" she said excitedly. Oh God. Just hearing her almost say his name made my mood come crashing down. "Cass, come on... I don't want to play some kind of jealousy game, and I don't feel like being beautiful..." I said in protest. 
"Pfft, please, you're always beautiful. I'm getting you ready, end of story." she quipped. Ugh. I didn't feel like making any effort and I really wasn't the type of person who made pathetic attempts at making someone jealous or whatever, but when Cassidy had an idea in her head, I knew better than to argue. "Fine but don't make me pretty, I really don't feel that way right now." I said to her. I couldn't wear the type of things I used to love being in, it didn't suit my mood at all. "I've got you, don't worry." she said. She picked out a darkish dress and pulled a faux leather jacket from my closet and threw it on the bed. "One bad-ass bitch coming right up!" she said with a laugh. "I could dye your hair black if you really wanna feel like a new person." she suggested. I just rolled my eyes.

I climbed out of bed and headed for the shower since I hadn't washed my hair in 5 days, in fact it had basically been in a bun ever since I got back from Mexico. I thought about Oli; his words still hurt like hell, but at least I could distract myself with thoughts about the scholarship now. I was so close to actually getting it and I really hoped I would - it would lift my spirits so much!

Back in my room, I opened my suitcase for the first time since returning and the breath was taken from my chest as the CD and vinyl that Bring Me The Horizon had signed for me laid there. I'd totally forgotten about all of it, including the presents I bought for Cassidy and her signed drum head from Mat. I wandered to the lounge to give Cassidy her things... she loved the tequila from the markets and the dress I bought her, and as she unrolled the drum head, I could tell she was holding her excitement back for my sake. "It's OK, you can be excited about it. Mat was always nice to me." I said. She suddenly grinned like a kid on Christmas morning and let out a squeal. "He fucking addressed it to me!" she screamed like a total fan girl. I managed a small laugh at her excitement - I swear I'd almost forgotten how it felt to smile, but it felt good. I stuffed my signed band stuff into my bottom drawer, as well as a program I'd kept from the resort, a postcard and most painful of all, the turtle bracelet Oli bought for me. I ran the beads through my fingers as I thought back to that moment with him where he'd been so thoughtful and kind, his smile beaming in the sunshine at the marina. I remembered how happy it made me and how much it pulled at my heartstrings, but it also confused me. Why did he do things like that if I meant absolutely nothing to him? I threw the bracelet in the drawer and slammed it, angry at myself for thinking about him again.

The idea of changing my hair colour grew on me, so I let Cassidy dye my hair black. Honestly, it made me feel like a different person... like I wasn't the same person as I was last week. That was definitely a good thing. I was no longer the bright, happy, California girl in all those photos from Malibu or Mexico, or the girl Oli remembered. Dying my hair black kind of gave me a new persona, a bit of a new lease on life. Cassidy did my makeup that night and I changed into the outfit she'd put together for me. I still didn't really feel like dressing up and going to a party, but at least I felt a bit better about myself. Honestly, I guess the makeover was like a mask for the version of me I'd become and that I hated.

"Wills, you look fucking amazing. I'm taking a photo and posting it for you since you haven't posted anything in a week." she stated. I really didn't care about instagram or keeping up appearances anymore, but I also didn't care what she did, so I just shrugged. "Fine. Just don't write anything about 'you know who'. I just want to forget he ever happened." I said. I could imagine her writing something about it being his loss, or that I didn't need him or something... and I didn't want that. Honestly, I wanted to deny it was ever anything. It was easier that way. "I promise. Nothing about fuckhead." she replied.

I wasn't exactly happy about going to a party, especially when I knew all of my friends were going to be there and would no doubt ask me about Mexico... about Oli. It made me anxious, but I could just leave if it got too much or drink away my problems... whichever seemed like a better idea, right? 

Cassidy called a taxi and we headed off to the party at 9pm.