ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

MIXED SIGNALS

We returned from dinner and we just cuddled on the bed. Oli laughed at me as I threw my pillow mint in my mouth and he picked up the hotel guide to browse for a movie. It was still pretty early and it would be a good way to wind down so I was happy with that. I thought about what Cassidy had said about testing the waters, so I did little things as we laid there. I cuddled up even more to see if he'd ignore me being closer, but he adjusted to wrap his arm around me - pass. I kissed his jaw to see if he'd ignore me, but he looked down at me quickly and smiled - pass. I picked up his free hand and played with it to see if he'd reject my intimacy, but he didn't pull away - pass. They were just small things, but they were still positive signs that it wasn't just sex to him anymore.

As he read the hotel book, I laid there facing him, just looking at him, then I reached over and cradled his face in my hands. He didn't seem to mind which surprised me, so I kissed his lips softly. It was so sweet and felt like such a tender moment. Honestly I was surprised that he wasn't stopping me or moving away. I continued to stare at him to see if he'd get uncomfortable, but he just stared right back at me... like he was letting me in, like he was letting his guard down and letting me see into his soul. It made me so happy because I was so unbelievably in love with him. I pressed my lips gently against his again and rubbed my thumb across his cheek softly and he just smiled. It was such a beautiful moment of silence where it was like words weren't even necessary. I felt so close to him... so warm and fuzzy, like he was letting me love him, like maybe he actually wanted me to.

I guess it was a bigger way of testing the waters with him, and he'd passed with flying colours, but when it came to talking about it, I was pretty scared. I wasn't going to just straight out ask how he felt about me, but I guess there were subtle hints and tell-tale signs that I could look for.

When he finally put the hotel guide down, I cuddled against him and kissed his cheek to get his attention. "Thank you for inviting me here." I said sweetly. "I'm having such a nice time." I added.
"Me too." he said sweetly. "I'm glad you came." he added before kissing my forehead. That had to be a sign. "Can I ask you something?" I questioned. He just nodded. "Why did you invite me?" I asked. He just kind of chuckled.
"Ummm... because... I like you. You're really hot." he replied with a grin. Ugh. I kind of snickered.
"Yeah but, there's plenty of hot girls here..." I replied as I rested my head on my pillow.
"Maybe." he said.
"I mean, you could just go out and pick up girls without any trouble, surely..." I said. I was trying to get him to say that he liked me, that he wanted me... he didn't want anybody else.
"Yeah but why would I fuck around doing that when I could just have you?" he asked. I felt a little deflated with what he was saying, it wasn't exactly the reassurance I was looking for.
"Well for a start, you had to pay to fly me here..." I said, reminding him. 
"Well convenience isn't cheap." he laughed. I felt right at that moment like someone stabbed me in the heart. I was just a convenience to him? My chest was getting so tight and I felt like my heart was thumping so hard - and not in a good way. I was trying not to be hurt by his words but  the more I thought about it, the more horrible I felt. I felt like a prostitute, like some girl he'd hired so he didn't have to make any effort for sex. I had no idea how to respond to what he'd said. I didn't know how to feel. I felt hurt and worthless, but also angry. 
"I need to pee, I'll be back." I said as I climbed off the bed and headed for the bathroom. 

I felt awful. I felt like a prostitute. Did anything from the past 6 days mean anything to him or was it all just to keep me around, for his convenience? At first I was angry, but my heart was aching and after a moment I could feel emotion coming to the surface. I felt so incredibly worthless and like I was nothing to him other than something for sex, just like I used to. I don't know why it hurt so much, but as I blinked, a tear ran down my cheek and I knew I was going to cry. I needed to get out of there, I needed to go and get some fresh air to hold myself together. I didn't want him to know that I was upset so I grabbed the spare roll of toilet paper and made a bee-line for the door. "We need toilet paper, I'm just going to reception." I yelled into the bungalow as I darted out and pulled the door shut behind me. I didn't go toward reception, I headed for the beach where I could be alone. Tears welled in my eyes so much that the lights along the paths were blurring and I could feel my emotion wanting to spill over. I was frustrated at myself for being upset, but I felt so hurt and so pathetic.