I never thought that giving Oli Sykes a plastic rose at my first BMTH show would lead to this...
-----------------------------------------
Two friends; Willow & Cassidy, travel cross-country following their favourite band, Bring Me The Horizon on to...
January was cold and gloomy, but Cassidy made me go out of the city for drives and picnics every so often so I wouldn't just sleep all day. I was so lazy, but sometimes I'd take the tram to the farmers market if it wasn't raining just to get some fruit. Life just kind of happened, there was nothing good or bad about it, and nothing exciting about my existence, I just felt numb as I waited for June and my due date to arrive. I still hadn't completely decided what I was going to do when that day came, I mean, I was pretty sure I was going to give the baby up for adoption, but sometimes I looked at the photo from my first scan and tried to picture myself as a Mother. It didn't look right or feel natural to me at all, but I guess I tried to give the idea a chance. On the flip side, I also browsed travel brochures and researched things I wanted to see in Europe, things I wanted to do, places I wanted to visit. My heart gravitated to Italy; Venice in particular and it was so much easier to imagine myself exploring on a gondola than holding a baby...
On January 14th I was looking at my bump as I laid on my bed and it looked so much bigger all of a sudden. I touched it and felt disgusted, but despite that - and even though I was never going to show anyone, I took a photo. It scared me to imagine how that same photo would be in another few months. Honestly, I tried not to think about it.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
By the end of January, I was nearly at 4 months and my bump was definitely showing so I lived in baggy hoodies and pants to hide it, but I knew I was going to have to tell my friends soon. I'd kept them away for too long and they were asking too many questions. I was still hurt and heartbroken over what happened with Oli and I was still mad about what happened with Jayce, but enough time had passed that I was just numb to it. I had bigger things to worry about now anyway.
I guess I was learning to co-exist with the past, to bury it and ignore it, and that was kind of working for me until one of my friends tagged me in a post on instagram; a photo of Oli on the Bring Me The Horizon account mentioning their upcoming San Francisco show.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
That was the first time I really thought about Oli again. It was the first time I'd heard anything about him or seen something about him in ages and I thought I'd cope with it after so long, but as I looked at it, I completely broke down. It's impossible to describe all of the emotions I felt seeing him again, even though I couldn't even really see his face. I'd avoided him for so long and I'd managed to push away the thoughts over Christmas when he was meant to visit, but knowing he was coming to San Francisco in a couple of months broke me. I hated that he was coming to my home city, my place in the world, my home.
