ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

GUILT

[OLI]

I felt so incredibly awkward being alone with Cassidy. I could feel the tension and I could feel how much she hated me, but I didn't even blame her. I felt so guilty just knowing what Roses had been through... knowing that if I hadn't of pushed her away the way I did, she probably wouldn't have slept with this other guy and therefor wouldn't have had all of the pain and abuse. She would have known Ivy was mine and assuming she told me, I would have looked after her. I would have supported her.

Hindsight hurt a lot, but I couldn't do anything about the past anymore, all I could do was try and be better for the future - and trying to smooth things out with Cassidy would be a big step in the right direction. I knew the friction between us would bother Roses and make things hard for her, so I wanted to try and fix it, even just a bit.

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[CASSIDY]

"Hey Cassidy, can we talk?" Oli suddenly asked as I wiped down the kitchen bench. Oh lord, I was afraid to talk to him... I didn't know if I'd be able to stop myself from tearing his head off. I stopped and looked at him for a second, then went to Willow's room to check where she was. I didn't want Willow to hear whatever it was he was going to say to me, and certainly not what I might say to him... "She's in the shower so you've got 5 minutes." I stated. He just nodded.

"I know you hate me..." he said as he sat at a bar stool on the opposite side of the kitchen bench, keeping some distance between us.
"You're not wrong." I said without even thinking. He looked uncomfortable.
"You have every right to hate me. I know I was a monster to Willow... I regret it every day." he said. I just looked at him. He was going to have to do better than that, a lot better than that. "I'm not going to make excuses for what I did, but I know how wrong it was... I think about it every single day and I feel so fucking ashamed. My actions were harsh, mean and deliberately hurtful and she didn't deserve any of it. She never did anything wrong, I was just an asshole." he said. He was doing better, but I still wasn't going to forgive him.
"I want you to know that when we wrapped up the tour last year, I started therapy, and I did that because I honestly hated myself so much for what I'd done... how much hurt I'd caused... I know how awful of a person I was..." he said. He seemed genuine.
"You should be apologising to her, not me." I snapped. 
"I know. I have apologised once and I will apologise 1,000 times more, I swear. More than anything I want to make things right with her, or at least better..."  he said. 

"Can I ask you... Just tell me she got back here safely. It's been eating me alive. Was she OK when she got home... after Mexico?" he asked sadly. I looked at him with a frown remembering how broken she was. I wanted to be raging angry at him, but he looked genuinely upset. I tried to hold my tongue, to think before I spoke, but my anger was too much and I couldn't stop myself from spewing out everything.

"No she wasn't. She wasn't OK at all. She collapsed at the airport then locked herself in her room and refused to eat for days. She wouldn't even talk to me, she completely shut down." I replied, unable to filter my words. He looked like he'd just received awful news; his face sad and his eyes down. "I don't think you understand how much you hurt her... how broken she was." I added. I was starting to feel more angry as I remembered it like it was yesterday...
"I know... I know I really hurt her." he admitted.
"No, I don't think you do." I said harshly. "She fucking loved you! And you made her feel so worthless that she wanted to kill herself." I stated without hesitation or thought. I knew it wasn't my place to tell him, but he needed to understand what he did, how much pain he caused her. His eyes suddenly flicked up to mine, wide and worried.
"What?" he said.
"She told me she wanted to run into the traffic in Mexico City after you left her, how she imagined throwing herself off the Golden Gate bridge... Worse than that, she had prescription pain killers in her room... she had the pills in her hand, Oli..." I said. I felt my entire body go numb as I told him that. "She was one moment, one split second decision away from ending her life - and subsequently Ivy's too. You didn't just hurt her, you completely fucking destroyed her." I said with way too much emotion. Oli's eyes were glazed as if he was a second away from crying and I actually felt bad for him. I really had laid it all bare and made him realise how fucked up what he did was. I put all of the blame on him. 

He just sat there looking like he was fighting back tears. It was surreal that he was in front of me, but he didn't look like the person I saw on instagram or magazine covers, or that confident guy on a stage in spotlights anymore... He looked upset, vulnerable and heavy, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and I actually felt bad for him. 

"Look, Willow is the most positive, confident and resilient person... she'll find all of those things within herself again in time but she's been through a lot. She took your rejection really badly and things spiralled afterward, but she'll be OK eventually." I said, trying to maybe ease how much blame I'd dropped on him. He just nodded, I don't think he knew what to say at all. "But you should understand that she's not just some slutty girl who wanted to take advantage of you or hook up with you because you're famous. She's not like that. She fell in love with you for who you are - as a person, not for what you are, and maybe you didn't notice it, but you made her happier than anyone else ever has. When she told you she loved you, she really fucking meant it so I hope you can understand how hurt she was when you said she meant nothing to you and you'd never feel anything for her." I said as I exhaled hard, it was like I couldn't stop talking and putting more blame on him. I needed to leave before I said anything else. "Anyway, I should get going. If she needs anything just call me, I'm only 10 minutes away." I said, changing the subject. "And can you make sure she eats something in the morning? She tends to forget sometimes." I added as I moved away from the kitchen. 

I didn't want to make the situation weirder, so I grabbed my bag from the hallway and then went straight to the door, but I hesitated before leaving. I don't know what came over me, but I showed Oli mercy. "I know you're not a completely bad person, Oli... it was just really hard to see Willow so broken when all she ever did wrong was love you. She didn't deserve what you did to her. Never make her feel like that again, OK?" I said, locking my eyes onto his. He looked broken as he nodded, so I pulled the door shut behind me and left.

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[OLI]

I just sat there for a moment. I felt like someone had lodged a dagger into my heart. I knew I'd hurt Willow, but I had no idea she'd taken it as badly as she did. Knowing that she had contemplated or even momentarily thought about taking her own life made my chest feel like it was being crushed and knowing now that she was pregnant with Ivy when she had those thoughts... it was almost too much to bear. 

I hated everything Cassidy had said, but I knew that every single part of it was true. I was an absolute monster last year and Roses had never deserved to see that ugly side of me. She never deserved to be treated so poorly. 

I don't think I had ever felt so horrible in my entire life as I did at this moment, maybe only when our tour bus drove away in Mexico and I left her there... God the pain from that memory still hurt so deep in my chest. The regret I felt from all of it was immense. I felt so disgusted with myself.

I heard the shower stop and all I wanted to do was run into Roses' room, throw my arms around her and apologise a million times, but I couldn't, it wasn't that simple. She probably wouldn't even want me to do that.

I felt sick... upset... I was plagued with guilt and I didn't know what the hell I'd say to her when she came back from her room, I didn't know how I'd even look at her without bursting into fucking tears. She must have cried so many after Mexico because of me... I felt horrible.

After ten minutes of anxiously waiting for her to come back to the lounge room, I started freaking out. It was so silent. She said she'd be back in 15 minutes and it had been nearly half an hour. I know it was ridiculous, but after hearing what Cassidy said about her being suicidal, my mind was in overdrive. I went and knocked softly on her door, but there was no reply. I pressed my ear against the door and listened in but there was silence. What the hell? Paranoia took over and I pushed her door open, only to find her laying on the bed, feet still on the floor with one of Ivy's blankets in her hand, a tiny romper and beanie laying on the bed by her face like she passed out mid-organising. 

"Willow?" I said out loud.