I never thought that giving Oli Sykes a plastic rose at my first BMTH show would lead to this...
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Two friends; Willow & Cassidy, travel cross-country following their favourite band, Bring Me The Horizon on to...
Oli and I started messaging every day and we spoke probably every 3-4 days depending on his schedule. I still wasn't really going out too much, but Cassidy had organised a Birthday party for me at a fancy bar in the city with our friends... she assured me it was just going to be amazing food and delicious cocktails with a jazz band - not some trashy nightclub with drunk people everywhere. I wasn't sure how I felt about going out because honestly, I didn't really feel very attractive, but I let her organise it for me regardless. My parents were going to come down to San Francisco for a few days, so they were going to babysit Ivy the night of my Birthday then drive home the following day, the same day that Oli arrived. I timed it like that so there were no awkward meetings or anything, and it all kind of fell into place perfectly.
Things in my life felt good for the first time in almost a year. I had pretty much healed from my surgery and could now work out again, so I'd do pilates in the lounge room twice a day while Ivy slept on the couch. I had a long way to go with my body, but I had already started noticing the results in just a couple of weeks. Ivy was a month old already, so she was a little more alert and making more noises. Cass doted on her like crazy and my friends constantly sent me messages saying how much they loved her. My parents checked up on us all the time too, and I was even starting to look forward to going out for my upcoming Birthday! At one stage I didn't know if and when I would ever go out drinking again, but now it was just a week away until I would.
Oli was also coming to see Ivy again, and this time I was going to try and make it a better experience for him... no more just sitting around in my apartment and being awkward; no. I'd made a promise to myself to try and be friends, to just have fun together, and I'd also made it my mission to get Cass and Oli to a place where we could all hang out together. I wanted that, not only for my sake, but for theirs too. Cassidy was the most important person in my life, and Oli was now in my life forever because of our connection through Ivy, so I needed them to be friends. I couldn't have it any other way.
Nothing had happened since my attack when I was 6 months pregnant, so it was 4 months now that had been drama free. The paperwork to Jayce was about to be sent, but I didn't think I would have any problems from him. He'd probably just be relieved to know he didn't have an illegitimate child.
I felt freer than I had in a long time, like so much heaviness and pressure had come off my shoulders, and I guess I can say that I felt happy. Ivy gave my days so much purpose and so many people checked in on me; my parents, my friends, even Oli. That was a nice feeling to know that despite how much he never wanted this future, that he was accepting of it now, maybe even happy. I didn't know, but I felt no stress from him anymore and that was a relief.
After posting my only pictures to instagram on Cassidy's Birthday, I got a few private messages asking where I'd been, wondering if I was OK... that kind of thing. I guess I did just kind of fall off the face of the earth 6 months ago, but it was for my own safety. I wasn't scared anymore though, in fact, I felt empowered. Why did I have to give up my instagram account because of some asshole anyway? I remembered how scared I was back then, how doomed I felt, but I didn't feel any of that now, I just felt love. I decided then and there to start sharing my life again, to start being proud of myself and everything I had going on. I decided to re-open my instagram account permanently; my real account, I wasn't going to try and keep anything in my life a secret anymore.
I had lost some followers in my absence, but I was happy to have my account back. I found the perfect photo and wrote a caption that said everything, that would explain to everyone why I had disappeared for so long and I posted it. The photo was one from the hospital; a photo from the first day I really held Ivy in my arms. I took a deep breath before I hit post because I knew this was a big step, but I wanted to be free again, free to be myself and share my happiness, my love, my pride. I put my phone down as soon as it has posted, knowing there would be a lot of comments - probably many that wouldn't be nice, and I decided to do another work out. I had to at least try to look semi decent for my big return to social life, lol.
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Oh my gosh, Roses posted?! She hasn't been on her account since, well, pretty much since Mexico. She must be feeling so much better to be posting again! That makes me so happy.
Gosh this photo... how beautiful. It makes me sad that I missed out on being there when Ivy was born, moments when Willow was pregnant. Maybe it would have freaked me out, but I don't know, part of me wishes I got to go to the ultra sounds, debate her name and feel the kicks and stuff... You know, and to act like some kind of over-protective assistant slash father to be... hahaha.
I guess maybe one day I'll experience that.
And for the record, I wouldn't have debated Willow's choice of name. Ivy is perfect.
An hour later, I was puffing and sweating from my workout so I landed on the couch and looked at my phone. It was funny how I had barely looked on instagram in 10 months, but now I was eager to see who had commented on my post. 750 likes, 67 comments and 12 direct messages, including one from Oli. That must have been some kind of record. It almost felt like some kind of big comeback, lol. Most of the comments just said something along the lines of 'OMG' and/or 'Congratulations', I was surprised there weren't really any negative ones since I had a lot of followers that were just guys wanting to look at 'hot girls'. Then again, I guess it had only been up for an hour and they could have just unfollowed me.
The direct messages were all from people I knew in real life, ones that had never known about my pregnancy at all, and of course, Oli. Oli aka Baby Daddy. I know it's pathetic, but I couldn't help but read his message first. It was habit I don't think I would ever break out of.
He'd sent me my own post and then written a message below it.
"I'm so proud of you for posting this 😊 It makes me happy to see that you're feeling better and being so strong and unafraid. By the way, the photo is so beautiful 🧡 Such a special moment." he'd written.
Oli's message sent a warm, happy feeling into my heart. Who was this person and what had they done with Oli? I had never known him to be so sweet, supportive and thoughtful toward me. He was proud of me? Hearing him say that made me feel really empowered.
"Thanks 😊 Yeah, I'm sick of holding myself back. I've hidden from Jayce and the world for too long, I'm not afraid of him or anyone anymore." I said.
"By the way, Cass took the photo in the hospital the day after Ivy was born. It was the first time I really held her - well, the first time I held her and I wasn't ugly crying anyway, lol." I replied.
"Aww, so precious. But also, I want to see the ugly crying ones 😁" he replied.
Yeah, no. No way. He was such a dork.
"Can I ask you something... did you know she was mine when Cass took this photo?" he asked.
I wondered why that mattered to him, but I didn't mind telling him. It wasn't a secret.
