ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

ACCEPTANCE

NOTE - This entire chapter is written from Oli's side of the story 🖤

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I sat on the end of my bed with my head in my hands for a while. I didn't know what to think, what to feel... I flicked between sadness and anger, happiness and empathy, fear and confusion... I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster and I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't feel anything. I didn't even know if it was real. Did I just imagine everything that happened? Did I really just speak to Roses? Did I really just find out I have a Daughter? My phone buzzed against my mattress and as I opened the message from Roses, my heart thumped hard in my chest. I felt tears well in my eyes again as a photo of this tiny, innocent baby filled my screen. Was she really mine? I couldn't understand.

I pulled myself together and went to find Mat; I assumed he was still somewhere in my house, but I hadn't seen him since I first spoke to Roses over an hour ago. I really needed him to be there - I needed to tell him. I had to tell someone or I'd go crazy. I found him downstairs in front of the TV and as soon as he saw me he jumped to his feet. "Man...what happened? I heard yelling so I put the TV on so I couldn't eavesdrop." he asked immediately. I handed him my phone with the photo of Ivy open and he looked back at me after inspecting the photo. "Is she..." he went to ask, being cautious with his words.
"She's mine." I said, trying to hold myself together. "I have a Daughter." I told him, my voice cracking as I said it out loud. I could barely believe the words leaving my lips. Mat looked totally shocked but instinctively pulled me into a hug and I started fucking crying again. "Holy shit." he said like he had no other words. "Are you alright?" he asked.
"I don't know." I replied. Honestly, I didn't know what to think, I was still in shock. "I can't believe this..." I said with a head shake.
"Sit down, I'll get us beers." Mat said, his way to offering to let me talk about it.

"I need to go over there." I said out loud. We were flying to France in 9 days to start the next leg of the tour... I barely had time to fly all the way to America and back, but I knew I had to. I wanted to. "Do you want me to come with you?" Mat asked.
"No. I need to do this on my own." I replied. "I'm going to need your help in keeping this under wraps though. Nobody can know about it. Not the guys, not my brother, not your girlfriend – nobody." I insisted. He just nodded.
"How are you going to explain going over there to Zoe?" he asked. Zoe. Fuck. I hadn't even thought about her and what this was going to do to our relationship.
"I have no fucking idea." I said. It was all so fucking overwhelming.
"Well Matt's only just got settled in LA, maybe you can tell her you're going to see him. You'd have to tell him though so he can play along with it." he suggested. God, this whole thing was such a mess.
"This is all so fucked." I said out loud, grabbing my forehead like I was trying to think. "Mat... I'm fucking terrified. I just, I can't believe this is happening. How did this happen and why the fuck didn't she tell me she was pregnant?!" I asked.
"I don't know man, but, right now, let's just focus on getting you to San Francisco. I think you should wait until you can talk to her in person to start worrying about that sort of thing. Maybe there's a reason she didn't tell you. I know things ended badly, but I still don't think she would have intentionally kept it from you. She's not that sort of person." he answered. He was right, I didn't believe she would knowingly keep it from me either, but I was so confused. "How was she, anyway?" Mat asked.
"I don't know... fragile, scared." I replied. "I fucking screamed at her, Mat..." I said, my words loaded with guilt. "I just freaked out and flew off the handle... I made her cry." I said, feeling as though I could start crying again at any moment. "I apologised but I feel so fucking bad, I always fucking hurt her." I admitted.
"I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure she's fine and you can have a proper conversation with her when you're face to face." Mat said. He was right, at least I had a chance to take responsibility for my actions and apologise like I always wanted now. I didn't know how I could apologise enough though. I felt so bad for her.
"Cassidy said she almost died giving birth..." I said with confusion, suddenly remembering Cassidy's message.
"Shit, really? Well, you should get over there and talk to her as soon as possible. You should probably do a paternity test just to make sure too. I don't think she would lie, but still. Nobody needs to know about any of this until you have the results." Mat said. He was right.

Mat helped me find a flight that would get me into San Francisco on Sunday night... I would have to leave on Thursday to get back to Europe in time for our first show on Saturday, but at least I'd have a few days to get answers and try to figure everything out. I checked if the dates were fine with Roses then I booked the flight and a hotel when she said it was. I couldn't believe I was going back to San Francisco and I couldn't believe I was going to see her again, but more than that, I couldn't believe I had a Daughter and that I was going to meet her. None of it felt real.

I got in contact with Matt and told him to not ask questions, but if anyone asked him, to say I was with him. He'd moved to LA not long ago after meeting a girl, so it made a good cover story for friends and family that I needed to involve. Tom had to feed my dogs, and I obviously had to tell Zoe I was going away, but they bought my story about visiting Matt which was the main thing. I wouldn't have even told them if I thought I could go without them noticing, but knowing my luck, I'd get caught and it would be an even bigger mess.

Roses sent me another photo of Ivy a couple of days later, but only after I asked. I got the feeling that she was afraid of me, like she thought I could turn into a raging psychopath and fly off the handle at her at any moment, but I wasn't going to. I felt sorry for her, empathetic, guilty... I wanted to hear her reasons for not telling me about Ivy, but considering all the things I said to her in Mexico, part of me didn't blame her for keeping the pregnancy a secret. I was such a fucking asshole. I had treated her so poorly but I had regretted leaving her the way I did every single day since it happened. I wanted to apologise so many times because she never deserved what I did to her, but I was a coward. It was easier to ignore her and just pretend it never happened... honestly, I wouldn't blame her if she never forgave me. She was the bigger person for replying to me and even telling me about Ivy - but then, I guess she wasn't a coward like I was.

Mat drove me to Manchester airport on Saturday night and I felt apprehensive, nervous, anxious... I had no idea what to think about what was waiting on the other end of that flight. I had no idea if Roses was going to resent me or tell me anything, or if she'd even let me have anything to do with the baby... I didn't even know if I really wanted to see it. I didn't know how I would react. My brain was in overdrive. 

"Dude call me when you get to your hotel, OK? I know we don't talk about feelings and shit very much, but you're like a brother to me and I'm here for you, so talk to me and keep me updated alright?" he said. I hated talking about my feelings, but I appreciated it. It wasn't like I could talk about this with anyone else. He hugged me before I headed into the airport, then I boarded my plane and just like that, I was headed to San Francisco.

The flight seemed to take forever. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't wind down at all, I was so fucking anxious and nervous. It was 10pm when I got to my hotel room in San Francisco and while I was tired, I felt so awkward and nervous about everything I didn't know how I was going to sleep at all. Roses and I had organised to meet in the hotel cafe in the morning at 11am and I was plagued with fear. I don't know why, I guess facing an ex or someone you hurt just isn't the most comfortable thing. I was in town because of the baby, yet I still couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted to apologise to her. I regretted how deliberately harsh I was to her, how much I'd hurt her... so much so that I went to a psychologist about my issues when the band took a two-month break. I hated the person I was with her, and not by any wrong-doing on her end, but I'd changed since I saw her last. I wasn't the asshole I was a year ago and I hoped I would be able to apologise and clear my conscience with her, even just a little.