ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

MEMORIES

After dinner, Cassidy went for a shower and decided to have an early night, while Oli took Ivy to my bedroom with me in tow to make sure everything was OK. I closed my door behind me to block the sounds of Cass' shower and then just sat on the edge of my bed as I watched Oli dress her in her sleep-time jumpsuit again.
"I didn't expect this you know..." I said as I watched Oli dressing Ivy in her cot.
"Ivy?" he asked as he looked over at me.
"No. You..." I replied. "The way you are with her... I guess I just didn't expect it. To be honest I kind of expected you to be the exact opposite of how you are." I added. He looked kind of sad when I said that, like he hated that I thought so little of him. "I know I didn't really ever give you reason to have any faith in me being a good person..." he said trailing off. "But I would have been there for you if I knew you were pregnant." he said, suddenly darting his eyes to mine. He looked sad, defeated, pleading... "If I had of known what you were going through, even if I didn't think Ivy was mine, I still would have helped you." he said sincerely. That meant so much to me... more than he knew.
"Thank you." I said with a frowning kind of smile. I appreciated what he was saying, but it still wasn't the easiest thing to talk about... or to remember. It still haunted me deep down.

"Nobody will ever hurt you or threaten you like that again, I swear. I would literally kill someone before I let anyone anywhere near you or Ivy." he stated like he was kind of angry.
"You know, while we're talking about stuff that's not easy to talk about... maybe we should talk about Mexico?" he suggested as he came and sat next to me. Oh God. I didn't think I would start crying over everything that happened because Oli and I were now on better terms, but I still didn't really want to dredge up the past again. I had let it go. "I want you to know that when that tour ended I was miserable... and lonely... actually I was angry and I fucking hated myself, so I took myself to therapy." he admitted. I was surprised to hear that. I had no idea. "I realised how self-destructive I was, I hated how much I hurt people, I guess I realised that I had a lot of unresolved issues, so I went to try and sort them out." he said as he looked away awkwardly. "It doesn't excuse any of the horrible things I did, but, you have to believe that I'm not that bad person anymore." he said, looking at me like he was willing me to believe it.
"I never thought you were a bad person, but I'm glad that you're happier now." I replied. He just kind of smiled. 

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[OLI]

She never thought I was a bad person? 

I never deserved her...

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I'm not sure why his honesty made me feel like it was OK for me to ask questions, to seek answers about certain things, but I had so many things I wanted to know. There was one  question in particular that never left my mind though, even though I had tried so hard not to think about it. His girlfriend. He never mentioned her, but I wanted to know his intentions with her and Ivy... if he expected her to have a part in her life, if he wanted Ivy to one day call her 'Mom'. I hated thinking about her being around Ivy so much that I forced myself to push it away... but I wondered what she thought about everything. Maybe it was selfish to ask and maybe I didn't really want to know the answers to everything I thought... but I felt like it was the moment to ask, so I couldn't help myself.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked. He just nodded.
"How does your girlfriend feel about all of this? I mean... does she, know about Ivy?" I asked cautiously. He looked at me strangely, maybe awkwardly and I immediately felt like I had over-stepped. I had no right to ask that question. His personal life was none of my business. "I'm sorry, it's really none of my business. I shouldn't have asked..." I said before he cut me off.
"No, no, it's fine. We're uh, we're not together anymore." he stated. 

Oh. 

OH.

"Oh. Uh, I... I'm sorry." I said awkwardly, stuttering on my words. I was shocked, but honestly, I wasn't really sorry. I felt the strangest feeling flood throughout my body. It wasn't a bad feeling, but it made me feel a bit sick. I think I was subconsciously relieved... maybe I was secretly happy that he was single, but I started to feel overwhelmingly guilty too because I knew it was my fault... I had been the reason for his relationship ending. I had ruined his life just like he told me he had when he found out about Ivy. "Because of me, and Ivy?" I asked, feeling guilty.
"No." he exclaimed straight away. "Well, I mean, yeah, but it wasn't just that..." he said before letting out a heavy breath. "I shouldn't have been with her anyway. I didn't even want to be with her. I know how bad that sounds..." he admitted. "The thing is, I was in therapy, I'd given up partying and all that other shit and she kept pushing for it... I was alone for the most part of 10 weeks feeling like shit about pretty much everything... not liking myself at all... so yeah, I caved and got back with her because it was easy, even though I didn't truly want to." he admitted. I tried to process what he was saying, but I just sat there blankly with no idea what to say. I hated what he was saying, but in a way it made me feel better knowing that he never truly wanted to be in a relationship with her.
"When I told her about Ivy she... well, it doesn't even matter, but she ended it and I actually felt this massive sense of relief. I wasn't upset at all, honestly I was glad. I felt free. I was just, in a bad mental place and she was so persistent that it just kind of happened. I know how spineless that is, but it's the truth. I didn't exactly feel like I deserved anything after what I did to you, so I guess that's why I took her back... but I didn't really want to be with her." he explained. 

Oli was opening up more than he ever had to me, he was letting me into his mind and heart and giving me the honest, not-so-pretty truth. He wasn't even leaving out the parts that made him sound like a complete asshole, so I knew he was telling the truth. I wasn't sure what to think and I had no idea what to say, honestly I was still trying to process the fact that he was single and hadn't told me. "You know as soon as I came here, I realised how unhappy I was in my life with her. I know I sound like the biggest asshole and like I didn't change at all, but I want to be open and honest with you. I want to take responsibility for everything I've done." he said. 

As much as I wanted to think he was a dickhead for going back to his ex because it was easy for him; for kind of stringing her along in exactly the same way he had done to me last year, I didn't. I understood it. Hurt and loneliness make us do stupid things – just look at my disaster hook up with Jayce and all the trouble it got me into. It's natural to want to grab onto anything when your self-confidence is completely diminished, just to feel something.
"I get it." I said. He looked at me with a frown.
"You do?" he questioned.
"Yeah. Sadness and loneliness can make us do stupid things." I replied. We just sat there in silence for a minute but it didn't really feel awkward, just quiet. Thoughtful. "Willow... I know I have apologised to you already, but I really am sorry for everything I did to you." he said genuinely. "If I could take back every bit of hurt I ever made you feel and put it on myself, I would do it in a heartbeat." he added. He couldn't, but the sentiment was nice and I did believe him.
"Thank you for saying that." I replied.

I thought about opening up to Oli, telling him the truth about everything that happened after Mexico... I'd told him what had happened, but I had never told him about the emotional side of it. He didn't know about the depths of my depression, how I was suicidal, how I had complications with my pregnancy because I was so stressed and unwell - sure Jayce was a big part of those feelings, but they all stemmed as a result of Oli's hurtful words. I guess I wanted to be honest with him about it, since he was opening up so much to me, but all of that stuff from my past was too dark, to heavy to bring up and talk about. He knew he hurt me and maybe that was enough. Telling him exactly how hurt I was would probably just upset him anyway, and I didn't feel like there was too much point in making him feel guilty for it now.