ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

MONSTERS

[Trigger Warning: Please read with caution if suicide/depression  is a trigger for you]

Leaving the airport was a haze. I think we sat there for half an hour before we even left because I was such a mess. I curled up in the passenger seat of Cassidy's car, trying to keep my weight off of my butt and I cried as I saw the San Francisco skyline through her windscreen. I was glad to be home, but I wanted to disappear. I didn't want to face anyone. Cassidy asked me to talk about it, to tell her what happened but I just shook my head. I couldn't. I was too exhausted and too broken.

When I got home, I dragged my feet into our apartment and went straight to my bedroom. I was just glad to be in my own space where nobody could see me, question me, bother me... but even there, things reminded me of Oli. I stripped out of my jeans and got into bed in the dark. I had no desire or energy to do anything else and my body still hurt. Cassidy knocked at my door five minutes later, saying she had brought up my suitcase and that she had dinner for me, but I told her I wasn't hungry. I just laid there in the dark crying to myself thinking about everything all over again. It felt more real now that I was home and it made the hurt harder to ignore. I couldn't help but think about Oli and what he was doing. He was probably backstage at his next show, having fun with the guys like I was never even there, while I sobbed into my pillow because my heart was so badly broken. He'd walk out onto a stage and thousands of people would scream at him in adoration, while I laid in bed feeling completely worthless. I hated him for a split second, but I still loved him - my feelings for him wouldn't just go away after how much they'd developed in Mexico.

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[MEANWHILE IN MEXICO - OLI]

I don't want to play this show. I don't even know if I can. 

I feel absolutely horrible.

*Sigh* 

I guess the show must go on... I'm a fucking puppet after all. As long as I perform and make money for the label, who gives a shit how I actually feel anyway, right? 

Nobody fucking cares or understands me.

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Cassidy knocked and came into my room after about two hours of alone time. "Can I come in?" she asked through the darkness.
"OK." I replied without moving, still sniffling from the crying that had been on an off the entire time. My heart was so broken, but I was also so confused. I couldn't believe what had happened... things were so wonderful between Oli and I up until that last night. He couldn't have really meant what he said, could he? That I meant absolutely nothing to him... that I was only ever sex. Cassidy laid on the bed next to me and hugged me, stroking my hair and just trying to comfort me. I know she was trying to help, but her sympathy just made me more upset. Having that connection, having her arms around me reminded me of Oli holding me and I started crying again. "Oh Wills..." she said quietly like she couldn't stand seeing me so upset.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly. I just shook my head. I didn't want to ever tell anyone what happened. It was too painful and I felt so stupid about what I'd said and done. "I just want to sleep." I said to get her to leave. I loved her but I wanted to be alone. Honestly I wished I could just fall asleep and never wake up again.
"OK, well, I'll be right next door if you need anything, OK?" she said as she kissed my head. 

I put my headphones on and listened to sad music, crying and wallowing in sadness for hours. It made my heart hurt more, but it somehow soothed me too. I tried not to think about Oli, Bring Me The Horizon, the show they'd be playing... I tried to forget about all of it, but it was no use. I was still awake at 3am but I didn't see 3:30. I guess I finally fell asleep; music still playing.