ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

FAMILIAR STRANGER

"So... how is everything? Are you doing OK?" he asked, finally breaking the silence.
"Yeah I'm fine, Thanks. Just tired." I replied. I hated that I kept seizing up, unable to just have a conversation with him when I used to be so comfortable around him. We used to talk effortlessly for hours about anything and everything and now I could barely say a word. 'Come on Willow, you can do this' I heard Cassidy telling me in my head. I knew I had to talk to him... he did fly half way around the world to speak to me and get answers... "So, I guess I should explain a few things." I blurted out suddenly. He looked kind of surprised that I was suddenly so willing to talk.
"Sure, do you want to talk here? Or... we can go somewhere else? Somewhere quieter?" he questioned.
"Here is fine." I replied way too quickly. Honestly, I just wanted to get it over with.

"So I'll just, start from... well... I'll just keep it short." I said, not even wanting to say the word 'Mexico'. "The weekend after I got back, I went out, got drunk, slept with someone and 5 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. He told me after that the condom broke, so I assumed it was his. I went to the Doctor and she told me the conception date was the night I slept with him. I questioned the date we... were last together, but she said it was too long ago and that you couldn't be the Father. That's why I didn't tell you." I said. All of the information came out like word vomit and he just sat there looking at me. He didn't look angry, just like he was absorbing.
"It wasn't until I held her that I knew she wasn't his." I admitted. "I don't even understand how  because we were always careful, and the Doctor said it wasn't possible for her to be yours... but, she is. There's nobody else." I said. I could feel the tears building in my eyes again.
"Then I didn't know what to do... I knew you didn't want kids and didn't want anything to do with me. I didn't want to ruin your life. I know you're happy now..." I said before pausing as everything I said caught up with me and sunk in. "I'm sorry." I said without even thinking as a tear escaped my eye and rolled down my face and I shook my head to myself.
"Please don't cry. I'm not angry or anything, I'm just.. it's just a lot to take in." he said. I felt so bad. I quickly wiped my eyes. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't hold myself together, that I'd let my emotion get the better of me in front of him. All I wanted was to not let him see how emotionally fucked up I was and I had failed miserably. A waitress arrived with our drinks right at that moment; at the most awkward and inappropriate time... but I guess it was a good distraction and I swiftly picked up the napkin that had been placed on the table with my juice. "Sorry." I said as I pressed the napkin under my eyes. I felt so stupid for crying in front of him. Thank GOD Cassidy had used waterproof mascara.

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[OLI]

No, no, no. I don't want to see her cry. I fucking hate seeing her cry.

It takes me back to that horrible fucking morning in Mexico City.

God, I hate this...

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"Hey, don't worry. I understand why you didn't tell me. Why would you if you had no reason to think you had to?" he said empathetically. He was being calm and understanding and it made me feel so much better. He seemed almost too calm compared to how I thought he would be, if how he was on the phone was anything to go by. I expected anger and blaming and questioning but he seemed understanding and empathetic.

He asked me a few things about Ivy awkwardly and cautiously as we both drank our juice, but I felt hesitant to overwhelm him with information. I knew it was all really new and scary to him, it still kind of was to me. There was still so much more to the story that I wanted to tell him, but I was already overwhelmed and he didn't need to know about any of the other stuff just yet. So long as he knew and understood the reason I hadn't told him that I was pregnant, that was all that really mattered. 

"So, do you... do you want to see her?" I asked hesitantly. I watched his eyebrows furrow and I saw him swallow hard, but he nodded straight away. "OK, well, whenever you're ready." I said. I had no idea how to approach the situation. How the fuck do you introduce someone who just found out they're a Father to their child?
"Can we do it today? We could meet somewhere? Or I can come to your place if that's easier? Whatever you're comfortable with." he said. Honestly, I didn't know if I was truly comfortable with any of it, but he had a right to meet his Daughter. I thought about bringing her to his hotel room, but the thought of being in a hotel room with him felt triggering and honestly, it made more sense for him to come to my apartment. I wouldn't have to move Ivy, upset her routine and organise all of her things. I also wouldn't have to go outside and let's be honest, I was probably going to end up a blubbering mess anyway, so at least nobody would see me at home - plus Cassidy would be there for support if I needed it. 
"Maybe you can come to my apartment? You can come today, or whenever you want." I said. There was no point in putting it off any longer. He decided he wanted to come with me when we were done with the cafe, so we finished our drinks and I carefully lifted myself from the chair as to not cause myself any more pain. I tried to mask my struggle as I used the armrests to lift myself up, but he frowned at me as he noticed. "Are you OK?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I replied. I didn't want to go into anything about myself with him. I didn't want to even think about it. I asked if he wanted to catch the tram with me but he insisted on getting us a taxi, so we jumped into one and headed to my apartment.

The drive in the car was awkward. We talked a little, but it felt so forced and un-natural and I hated that. I hated how tense and rigid I was and how embarrassed I felt beside him, especially when I thought about how I used to lay all over him and literally take over his personal space on his tour bus. I wished I could let down my walls and just talk to him, but my defences were so high and for whatever reason, I felt small beside him, like I wasn't good enough. I messaged Cassidy to let her know that Oli was coming over to meet Ivy... to give her warning of his arrival. I didn't know how she would react to him, but I hoped she wouldn't start screaming or punching.  I hoped having her there would take some of pressure of being alone with him off of me too, but I really was scared about her reaction to him. 

It took about 20 minutes to get to my building, but it felt like 40 seeing as we didn't speak too much. I just didn't know how to anymore, too much time had passed, it was like we were totally different people now. I hated how far we'd drifted apart... like even though he was so familiar and admittedly he made me feel certain things, he also felt like a stranger next to me. I missed what I had with Oli; the being wanted, the companionship, the stupid things we did like pulling the strings on each other's hoodies to hide our faces... those silly moments always made me so happy.

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[OLI]

Roses just looked out the window as we headed toward her apartment. I don't think she was intentionally ignoring me, I think she just felt uncomfortable around me and I didn't like that. 

I broke the silence a couple of times but she just locked her eyes on my knees and I felt like guilty that she could barely even look at me. I wondered if it was because she didn't want to, or because she couldn't. Either way, I felt like shit. 

I hated the way things were between us now, but I knew it was entirely my fault. I wished she could just talk to me like she used to and look at me the same way she did before... 

Things wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for me and my stupid mouth, my immaturity and my irrational fears.