ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

BAD NEWS

I struggled. I really struggled. I couldn't find a single reason to smile or be happy. The world felt dark and bleak, and I hated myself beyond words. 

Even though the pregnancy test was negative I still felt upset, stupid, worthless. Everything Oli put me through was at least not my own doing, but everything with Jayce? That was all on me. Cassidy tried to cheer me up but I felt like utter shit and I cried myself to sleep every other night then woke up feeling sick. I wasn't eating right or taking care of myself at all and I knew it. Mexico still hurt, the Jayce situation made me angry and university was stressing me out, not to mention the scholarship announcement making me anxious. There was just too much happening and affecting me that I felt like I was being smothered. 

I couldn't sleep on October 16th; the night before the winners for the scholarship were announced. I tried and tried, but no matter what I did, I couldn't fall asleep. I felt like my future happiness hinged on the outcome. I didn't want to put so much pressure on the result, but I couldn't help myself. It felt like it was the only thing that could 'fix' the headspace I was in. The only thing that could drag me out of the dark hole I felt like I was trapped in. Cassidy wanted to be with me at 9am for the announcement, but I wanted to be alone. I couldn't face her if the news wasn't what I was desperately hoping it would be.

I sat on the website at 8:45am, hoping with everything within me that I was going to see my name on that winners page. It would make me so happy, give me hope, make me proud... it would make me feel so much better about myself and my life. Even if love was a lost cause, my career was still there. I always excelled in my studies and had big dreams about making a difference in the world - and this was my big chance. 

I could feel my heart in my throat in the last few minutes of waiting and by 9am it was pounding. As I refreshed the page again, I realised the winners were published and my as my eyes scanned the four names, my heart was crushed. No Willow Madison. Nobody from San Francisco. I didn't get it. I felt like my body went numb as it sunk in defeat. I felt like I'd spent the past few weeks trying to piece myself back together unsuccessfully, and while maybe a few pieces had mended, it had all just fallen apart again. I was heartbroken in a different way than I already was, but it was still soul destroying. I felt the disappointment pile onto every other negative thought and feeling I already had and it was too heavy. I wanted to cry.

I knew Cassidy would be on her phone outside my door, refreshing the page like I was, and I knew she would have known the result as soon as I did. "Wills..." she said before the rejection had even really sunk in.
"Cass, I need to be alone." I said desperately. I put my phone down and curled up into a ball, crying into a pillow, feeling more worthless than ever. I'd failed with love and now I'd failed in my career. Maybe it wasn't that black and white, but that's how it felt. It was like another knife lodged into my heart, another one to try and save myself from as I fell deeper and deeper into darkness. There was no light anymore, no hope, nothing. Oli didn't like the real me, Jayce didn't like the fake me, and now Richard Branson and his scholarship didn't like the driven, purpose-filled me. I was just a complete fucking failure to everyone.

My weeks blurred together into one big dark, gloomy mess that felt like it would never end after the scholarship rejection and Cassidy started worrying about me. I felt fragile, sick and weak... I went to campus for lectures then straight home, I didn't go to meditation or yoga or any of the things I used to enjoy. I had no energy and I had constant headaches that never seemed to go away. Cassidy said it was because I was in my room all the time with no air or sunshine, but I think it was my soul slowly dying. She begged me to talk to someone because she was convinced that I was depressed, and maybe she was right but I refused to seek help. I didn't want to talk about any of it. I didn't even really want to exist. What was the point?