ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS

The day Cassidy packed up to head back home to San Francisco was awful. I missed her before she had even left! We both cried, but Cassidy was strong and was more worried about reminding me to rest, relax and enjoy the peace and quiet. She didn't realise just how much I valued her and loved her, beyond anything I could say to her. "Cass, I don't know what I would do without you." I said honestly and sincerely.
"I love you too Wills." she said as she hugged me. It was like she knew all the things I wanted to say without me even having to say them. We kept our goodbye short as a long-winded one would only make both of us sad and I watched as Cassidy drover away in her Jeep; headed back to San Francisco, while I prepared for the next couple of months in the middle of nowhere.

The first night without her felt lonely. I missed Cass a lot, but she messaged me when she got back to our apartment, so at least I knew she was home safe. I already missed San Francisco, but I guess I found the peace and quiet of Redmond relaxing, plus I loved my parent's dogs; Penny and Polly. Being around animals always made me happy, especially dogs. 

It was incredibly quiet the first night I was alone. I was staying in a little self-contained area of my parents' house and I wasn't used to so much space to myself after living in a 2 bedroom apartment with Cass. I also wasn't used to how quiet it was. I think you get accustomed to the constant white noise when you live in a city, so yeah, it was quiet. Too quiet. I really didn't have much to do, so I just laid in bed with a few books reading quietly. I didn't look on social media anymore, I didn't even want to, so books were naturally what came next. The Italy guide I'd been glued to felt a little less appealing now though, less reachable, less urgent... I still wanted to go, but I guess it wasn't at the forefront of my mind after everything that had happened recently. The decision to go wasn't as clear or obvious as it was before.

As I was laying there reading, I felt a really weird feeling in my stomach so I looked down at my bump; now very round and obvious. It was like the baby had moved or something, so I rested my palm flat against my skin, but couldn't feel anything. I just sat there for a moment touching it, waiting... and in the silence, I felt compelled to speak. "Hi little girl." I said, talking to her for the first time ever. I felt silly for talking to, well, really just myself... I felt awkward too, like I was meeting a stranger and I didn't know what to say. I had ignored her for 6 months and I almost felt guilty about it now. It wasn't her fault she happened. "I'm sorry I haven't talked to you before. I'm just... honestly, I'm really afraid of you." I said out loud. I was being so honest... it was probably the first time I'd truly admitted how terrified I was. I put my book down and rested my other palm against my skin, holding them both there now. I wasn't really sure why I felt compelled to do that, or why I was talking to my bump. For a moment I thought I was crazy, but then, maybe it was what all expectant Mum's did? "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you and taken care of you like I should have. I know I haven't loved you like you deserve." I said, feeling the urge to speak as tears welled in my eyes. I know I was technically talking to myself, but I couldn't stop, it was like all of these pent up thoughts and emotions I didn't even know I had were pouring out of me. "I know what it's like to feel unwanted and unloved... I feel like that nearly every day, so I promise I'll try harder from now on. I'll do my best so that you don't ever feel as broken as I do." I said as a tear ran down my cheek. My own words really hit me hard and I sat there crying and rubbing my hands against my stomach as emotion took over me. I felt so upset. Ever since the attack I had cared about her in a different way and I hated that I'd despised her so much in the past when she never did anything wrong. "I hope you can forgive me." I said softly through my tears as I held my stomach. 

Barely a second after I asked for forgiveness, I felt a tap against the palm of my hand and I quickly pulled my hands away. I looked at my bump and I could see actual movement so I cautiously put my hands back against my skin. As soon as I did, I felt it again. Was she... was she kicking me? It started happening more and tears rolled down my face. It was like she was telling me she forgave me... giving me a sign that it was OK, like we were going to get through this together. I was so overwhelmed and I didn't know if I was crying from sadness or happiness anymore, so just laid back and let the emotion come out as she moved and kicked. I felt so much less alone. 

I had never felt her kick or move before so it felt like the most incredible thing, but I was still a little freaked out by it. 

I never picked up my Italy book again, instead I stayed on the bed, talking to my baby about Cassidy, about San Francisco, about my life... with her moving and kicking the entire time as if she was listening and responding. I yawned after a couple of hours and she stopped kicking; almost as if she was telling me it was time to sleep. I followed suit and climbed into bed, laying there holding my stomach in a way that I had never done before, almost as if I were trying to hug her. I had never felt anything so strange as her moving inside me, but I felt so connected to her that night and it gave me clarity on what I wanted to do. I wanted to keep her. I wanted to love her. I wanted to be her Mum.

My days in Redmond passed quickly. I got into a routine of waking up and walking around the property with the dogs every morning. I fed the horses with my Dad and collected eggs from the chickens... I loved being around animals because they always brought me so much comfort. I talked to my baby girl every night as if I were talking to someone in the room; telling her about my life, the things I liked, my friends, even Oli and how much he hurt me. I don't know why I told her that, but she kicked particularly hard that night as if she was mad about it or something. She was becoming like a friend I could confide in about anything, I guess you could say we were bonding, and I was enjoying it more and more every day.

My Mum signed me up for new parents class at the community centre in town and even though I was a little apprehensive about telling people my story, I went along. There was 14 of us of varying ages and it actually made me feel better when the other women shared stories and advice, but I guess there was a lot to know. I quickly realised how unprepared I was for how much my life was going to change. 

I signed up with a personal trainer to take me through baby-safe workouts too and I started feeling better, both physically and mentally as I went through the last couple of months of the pregnancy. I spoke with Cassidy every single day and sent her updates, showing her my growing belly on video chat almost every time we spoke. She hated that she was missing out on feeling the kicks, but I assured her that the baby would know a lot about Aunty Cass since I talked about her so often. 

Between researching baby things, working out every second day and forming a connection with my baby, two months in Redmond actually went by pretty fast and by time I was ready to head back to San Francisco, my blood pressure and heart rate had improved significantly. I felt fit and energetic and my mental state was much better than it was before I arrived too. I guess I had found acceptance with the things that hurt me, I had found a peace and also forgiveness. I had also bonded with my unborn baby and even picked a name for her, though I was keeping that a secret for a little longer. Being removed from the city had helped me a lot, it had given me clarity and the time and space to fall in love with my baby, but I was ready to go home. I was ready to be in my apartment, in my city and with Cassidy to wait out the final few weeks before my Daughter's arrival.