ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

MOVING ON

[OLI]

As I sat in the Uber back to my hotel, I was stuck on what Roses had just said. I was surprised by it, but for some reason, it was nice to hear it too. 

I hadn't purposely not told Willow that Zoe and I had broken up, it just didn't exactly come up in conversation and I didn't want to announce it to her like it was a big deal. I didn't want her to think I wanted anything from her or something, or to make her uncomfortable.

I hadn't ever really even thought about the fact that Roses would know I had gotten back with Zoe... I mean, of course she would, Zoe was always taking photos of us together and posting them online. Deep down I knew she was just doing it for attention; bragging that she was dating someone famous... I don't know why I tolerated it given that I hate people using me. 

I didn't even want to be with Zoe, it has only been a convenience thing and it wasn't until we broke up that I fully realised that she never really made me happy, only less lonely. She didn't make me feel genuine or authentic, like I could be myself 100%. I guess thinking about that also got me thinking about life and feeling kind of sorry for myself. It often feels like nobody understands me... like nobody gets it.

Everyone always says how 'lucky' I am... you know, I have money, fame, girls, friends, my career... but people rarely see the real me because nobody actually cares. They only care about the version of me in front of the camera or on the stage. Last year it seemed like Roses was the only person who bothered to look past all of that - she was the only person who wanted to, even though I put up my walls and rarely did let her in emotionally. The week she toured with us, I was depressed and miserable. I hid my authentic self from everyone, even the guys, but she still managed to see me – not all the time, but she actually got me to drop my walls on a couple of occasions, and when I did, she didn't judge me or think less of me or anything. She never did. She actually made me feel better. But every single time I felt anything toward her, I just pushed her away like a fucking coward because I wasn't ready to open up again. I wasn't ready to unbox my heart that was still broken and resentful. I could only imagine how different things would have been if I didn't do that... imagine if I had of grabbed hold of what I was feeling instead of always running from it. 

I hate that I met her when I was so damaged, so lost, so angry, so resentful... She met me when I was a monster and still saw good in me... still fell in love with me. I don't even know how that is possible. How could she love me when I hated myself? 

How the fuck could I convince myself that I didn't want a relationship with this incredible, beautiful girl, and then go and get into one just a few months later with someone I never, even at the best of times, felt as much for? God I was such a fuck up.

My feelings toward Roses terrified me back then, but I shouldn't have ignored them. I shouldn't have just brushed them off and convinced myself I felt nothing for her. Everyone fucking knew I did... I just wasn't ready. But if I hadn't of listened to my insecurities I would have been there for her when she was pregnant. She also wouldn't have gone through all of the shit with that Jayce guy. I let her down more than I could have ever imagined possible. I abandoned her when she needed support and I genuinely feel fucking broken over it now. I hate knowing that if I hadn't of pushed her away she wouldn't have suffered. I could have been there for her, but I wasn't. Instead I ran back to someone, who - as Roses had just told me - didn't deserve me. Who I didn't even want to be with. I did yet another thing that would have made Willow feel like absolute shit about herself. 

I didn't know how I could ever apologise enough to Roses, or even attempt to make it up to her, but I was going to try. I was going to try every god damn day to make her feel good. She deserved my respect and support more than anyone ever had. I wasn't ever going to let her down again.