Marvel Moments: A Collection of One-Shot Adventures

Suicidal Steve

Steve sighed. It was one of his sleepless nights, those ones that everyone has that the brain is working on overdrive and bringing up all those bad thoughts that everyone tries to ignore. He moved from his bed towards the door and out to the kitchen silently. He got himself a bottle of cold water from the refrigerator before making his way to the roof.

He sat on the edge of the roof with his bottle of water next to him just looking out at the distance. He knew this was risky from the thoughts he's always had. How he wished he could throw himself off the side of the roof, he craved the death he believed he deserved. Every day was a battle for him, a mental,health battle. Yes, even the avengers like Captain America gets suicidal thoughts. Steve Rogers gets these thoughts multiple times a day, when he's cooking, when he's watching tv, when he's training. All the time.

He'd felt this way since he became friends with James Barnes. That man was always so strong. He remembers being that weak man stood next to his extremely strong friend. He always felt inferior, like he wasn't good enough, when he was around the man. It's why he did the cryogenic experiment. He wanted to be better. Maybe if he looked more like a man instead of a ten year old boy with leukaemia, then he'd feel better.

But, seventy years later, he still feels just as bad. And now, his friend had joined the avengers and everyone loved him instantly. Steve spent a lot of time training, and when he wasn't training he always heard the group laughing together, watching films, he never got invited anymore. It was like they all forgot about him and replaced him with Bucky. He'd spent time not feeling these things, but now his friend was back and he couldn't focus on anything else.

He sat on that roof later into the morning. He'd gone out around one in the morning and now, looking at his phone, he saw it was ten in the morning. He sighed and made his way down to the kitchen.

"Nice to see you're finally awake Capsicle," Tony spoke as he came into the kitchen.

"FRI, when was I last asleep?" Steve asked as he grabbed a yoghurt and another bottle of water from the fridge.

"Record shows you last slept four days ago, for twenty minutes, Captain," FRIDAY said as Steve grabbed a spoon and walked out.

"Thank you," they heard the man speak as he left. That caused everyone to freeze. He hadn't slept in four days? They didn't know that.

"Baby girl, why hasn't Steve slept in so long?" Tony asked his AI.

"Record shows when he sleeps, which isn't often at all, he gets bad night terrors. He stopped sleeping because of them and would either go and sit on the edge of the roof, like last night or he will be training. He seems restless," FRIDAY spoke up.

That got people muttering. He didn't sleep because of night terrors. That doesn't seem like Steve Rogers. "He hasn't changed at all," Bucky spoke from his seat on the countertop. Everyone looked at him at his words.

"What do you mean?" Bruce asked inquisitively.

"For as long as I've known him he'd put everything before sleeping due to his nightmares. I'm pretty sure he has some psychological issues. I know he's suicidal, I don't know why, he just is. I've known since I've known him, it's not hard to tell just looking at him," Bucky spoke shrugging his shoulders.

Steve was listening to them from the lounge but as soon as he heard a chair move as someone stood, he left. He went to his room and sat on his windowsill, legs up to his chest as he rest the side of his face on the window as he looked out, remembering how he used to sit like this all the time, he used to feel safe like this. The avengers knocked on Steve's open door and the man just turned to look at them before turning back to the window.

The group all came in and sat on the bed and couch in the room. Steve just looked out of his window. He'd requested the top floor room because of the view. It calmed him, the fear of falling to his death relaxes him, it always has. "Steve I..." Tony began to speak but Steve immediately turned to look at him with wide eyes.

"Don't. Don't call me that," Steve spoke kind of hurt. Tony never called him but his name, always a nickname. His name sounded bitter from the man's mouth as if he was only being called it because he's broken, which he isn't. "I'm not broken, don't act like I am, I'm the same person you've known for years, Tony," Steve spoke genuine hurt in his voice. Tony just nodded a little in shock. "So what if I occasionally wish to thro myself out of this window just to feel the joys of death? So what if I go days on end without food or sleep? I don't need them. It's just me. It's nothing new and it's nothing that going away anytime soon, I mean this is around 80 years in the making. Probably more honestly, it's just always been in my head. Sometimes, like this week, it just gets worse. I'll be fine by tomorrow," Steve spoke looking at his team mates. They all understood, at least slightly.

"Okay, okay. We just came up here to check on you, is all, Capsicle," Tony spoke. Steve just smiled weakly at them.

"I'm the same as always. It's just a rough day. Now I'd appreciate it if you could leave me be?" Steve spoke gesturing to the door. They all got the picture and left, except Clint and Natasha. They both came and sat on the bed where Steve joined them.

"We know, we know everything," Natasha spoke softly.

"We know why you're like this, what goes through your head. We've seen it," Clint added.

"What do you mean?" Steve asked in confusion.

"Listen, we're known as the best of the best right? Well we have a skill set that we've hidden from everyone. We have mind reading as one of our hidden powers. We don't ever use it on our friends and team but sometimes we can't help it. There's been times that one of us has come up here and got into your head when you're sleeping to prevent the nightmares to give you proper rest. We're sorry for invading your privacy, but we thought we'd tell you that we know..." Clint spoke.

"And that we understand. We're sorry and we're here if you need us for anything," Natasha spoke before the assassins left.

At the door Clint turned round to the super soldier watching from his bed. "And Cap? Please don't tell anyone. We'll see you in training," he said before they left.

Steve looked down at his hands and sighed. He's glad someone understands, maybe he could have someone to talk to.

And he did, from then on he talked his feelings out with Clint and Natasha, and he began to feel better. He wasn't bottling it anymore. The duo began to trust him and they became great when training together, they spent a lot of their time together just deepening their friendship.

And the others? They were just happy Steve had someone to talk to even if it was people they'd never have expected.