Ohana Reviews

Review- The Demon is Born

Reviewer- kinalhariya
Book- The Demon is Born
Author- manigandanrmec

Blurb:
The ending questions of the blurb are intriguing and hooking. The blurb starts off nicely, but the sentence seems a little weird towards the end. Check it out and see if the sentence can be tweaked a little. A little more information can be provided about the story to make the blurb more interesting. Look out for the punctuation errors too.

Moving towards the story:

Great start. Starting the story with a case in the detective story is a perfect way to go.

The question ...Did you inform me? Seems weird. If he was informed, he would know. And it didn't even seem like it was something he was asking because he forgot.

If the dead bodies were from Jack's team, I think it should have been described as soon as Jack entered the scene and not when William came to speak with Jack way later. Many emotions could have been portrayed if the team members were killed.

The part where he relates it to a dream, opens up a new intriguing factor. Many assumptions rise from this, making the readers curious about what has happened.

The conversation between Jack and the mystery person(probably Wilson) comes out as confusing. It doesn't matter that the identity of the person isn't shown, but which dialogue is spoken by whom should be specified a little.

The cliffhanger left at the end of chapter three was great. They tried to help the disabled man, but it ended up taking their lives.

The fourth chapter ended in a hooking and intriguing way.

*****
Characters are good but they can get better. The personalities written in the character introduction chapter needs to be portrayed more by actions and descriptions. Like in the fourth chapter. It showed much more characterization than any other chapter.

The shadowy figure is very intriguing. I am excited to find who the demon of Jack's nightmares is.

The concept is awesome. The way the case moves and the deaths happen. Along with Jack's dream. All these factors are very intriguing and can contribute to a great story.

Descriptions of the scenes were great. It would have worked really well if the sentences were properly formed.

Writing style needs to be worked upon. I can see the case is interesting along with the facts the detective finds out, but the way it is portrayed, it doesn't come out as interesting as it can be. The way all the facts and doubts are presented really matters.

Plot moves at a steady pace. With the officers getting killed one by one, my curiosity has really increased.

Grammar
Look out for fluctuating tenses. They keep changing every now and then, breaking the flow of the story.

Punctuation errors are at many places. Quotation marks are placed where there isn't a dialogue or when the dialogues have already ended.

The sentences aren't properly formed. Small errors can be ignored, but right now the errors are creating an obstacle to the smooth reading.

The language seems like a barrier. I would suggest using any editing app, google documents or Ms word(the correction feature) to sort out the problem.

Last words,

The concept is awesome and I can tell that it is an amazing story. However, the interesting and intriguing factor wouldn't reach the readers if it isn't presented well. It tires out the readers and eventually they stop reading.

I feel like the author has great potential. With some improvement in language, the story will reach new heights.

Thanks for choosing me. Keep writing!!