Ohana Reviews

Review- UN AMOUR ENTACHE

Reviewer- kinalhariya
Book- UN AMOUR ENTACHE... THE BATMAN
Author- bigscarr12

Blurb:

Blurb is short yet effective. It gives off the information about the main leads and also some basics. It can find the right readers as they would have a slight idea about what this story may be about.

Great way to end the blurb. The sarcastic insinuation about her being with the dark knight brought out laughter.

Moving towards to the chapters,

The starting paragraph leads us straight to the living & family conditions of the Moon which is great.

How old is Moon? It would be great to know how to relate with the character.

Interesting turn of events. It seems Moon's normal life is going to have some twists.

Riddle part was intriguing. Looking forward to seeing how it gets solved.

I loved the start of the second chapter. It showed us what he felt. And showing inner thoughts is a great way for the readers to connect with the characters.

I like how they worked on the riddle. However, I would suggest writing a bit more on that topic. It has the potential to get more interesting and intriguing. In short, same riddle but more mysterious.

The panic and confusion Moon has in the third chapter is described really well. So well that I could feel it myself.

*****

Characters are nicely introduced. We can understand the dynamics between Moon and her father in the very first chapter. We also learned about Batman's past, which was smartly put, mixing it along with the case. And also his butler who is more like a father figure. Alfred's and Batman's closeness really showed through their conversations.

Characterization is good, but dialogues need little help. They are clustered, mostly because of grammar. And that becomes an obstacle for connecting with the characters.

World building

Here the major problem was that I am not aware of the fandom. I could understand the story and concept pretty well, but the world they were in was unclear to me. What is similar to the normal world and what is different (fantasy)?

Is everyone aware of batman? And I read cat in the third chapter...so there might be more like them. I am sure that the majority of the readers would understand as they might come for the fandom, but these things might be a barrier for readers like me.

Plot

Plot is pretty cool and it moves steadily. Although the blurb has already shown who the riddler is, it is still fun to see the characters guessing. There are only three chapters right now, but I am expecting more intriguing mysteries. As Moon and Batman have just met, I can't comment much on them. But their start does seem fascinating.

Grammar:

Sentences sound a little weird. They are understandable, so that's not a worry, but their formation does need correction. I have pointed out some sentences.

First chapter

1)Although it wasn't bad, Moon mostly liked her father any which is why she chose to stay with him.

→ Although it wasn't bad, Moon mostly liked her father, which was why she chose to stay with him.

2) Moon voiced, walking into the run down kitchen that didn't change a bit when she was younger;

→Moon voiced, walking into the rundown kitchen that didn't change a bit since she was younger.

3) .....none of his promises weren't true
→ Probably a typo, but this changes the meaning of the whole sentence.
It should be- none of his promises were true. There are 2-3 more typos.

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There are also some areas where two different sentences are needed, but are joined by commas. And also where a compound sentence is needed, but it is shown as two different sentences.

Lack of commas in many areas is making the sentences seem weird and has also caused a change in the meaning of the sentence.

_______

While your grammar area is weak, your vocabulary was fabulous. I would be honest, I did learn a few new words.

Last words,

Story seems awesome. Concept, characters, and suspense are really good. Some work is needed for sentence formations and presentation. It can surely be improved with time.

Story has great potential. I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks for choosing me. Keep writing.