Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ A Savior's Whisper [Part Two]

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: A Savior's Whisper

Author: @writingjunior

Plot Overview: The plot of these next five chapters was a hard pivot from the action in the first five. In some ways, it felt like a totally different book. There were new characters and the action-packed fantasy world kind of fell to the wayside. For a while, I had a hard time understanding how everything would come back together (I will say, it had been some time since I read the first five chapters, so maybe that caused some confusion for me).

In my opinion, chapter six and seven were a bit slow. I saw you left a note on chapter 6, 'if it sucks, it sucks' and I just want to say, it didn't suck! It could use a bit of editing to remove redundant parts, but it wasn't a bad chapter. On that same note, chapter seven felt a bit aimless in parts. For instance, there was a lot of unnecessary information–like a section of dialogue where everyone ordered food. This could have been easily summarized by saying 'we ordered our food and headed to a table, etc.' It's okay to brush over minor details to keep the story moving forward!

However, chapter eight was a lot of fun. A house party is always a good time, and I thought this chapter was entertaining. There was drama, mystery, and action. Then, chapter ten was an exciting twist. This was where everything came back together, and it was an interesting choice to withhold some information until this point–it made for a fun read!

Overall, you have good ideas for the story, but the delivery could use a bit of editing. There are points that felt drawn out and parts that felt confusing. The main point of confusion for me came from how you referred to your characters. You often called them 'the girl, the woman, the brunette, etc' and this was hard to keep straight. I understand not wanting to be repetitive but, in a scene, where there are many girls in one spot, it's frustrating to have to keep straight who has what color hair/eyes–so I'd suggest using their names more. An example of this would be in chapter six when May and Silver first meet.

Pacing: At times there are scenes that dragged on, but I think with a bit of editing this could be easily fixed. Overall, the story moved along nicely, and the action scenes were appropriately paced.

Style and Flow: Something I think you could benefit from is creating more balance in your chapters. Stories are composed of three elements: action, dialogue and narrative elements (description, reflection, etc). There are places where you rely heavily on action and dialogue and completely leave out narrative elements like describing the scene or offering a moment of reflection. For instance, in chapter seven there is a big chunk of dialogue.

If these things were more balanced, I think it would help flesh out your scenes and characters, making each scene more captivating.

Furthermore, I'd be careful with the point of view style you have chosen. Whether conscious of it or not, the story seems to be written in third person omniscient POV. While I'm not a master on the subject, at times the way you've approached this style feels jarring or disjointed because we jump from one character to the next. I would suggest researching this POV style a bit more, and maybe you could find some helpful information!

Characters: The new characters are a lot of fun. I love the dynamic between Silver and May. It was sweet seeing May so determined to crack Silver's hardened shell. Then, in chapter eight their staring trance across the floor was intriguing. Later, it was cute seeing Silver try to fight her true feelings. Her hot and cold nature in chapter nine was frustrating but endearing. Great job writing this duo!

Grammar/Spelling: There were a few minor typos throughout the story, but nothing major. These things can be easily fixed! The only other grammatical error I noticed was in reference to dialogue tags, which I think I mentioned in your last review.

For example, in chapter seven, you wrote: "Come on." She whined. 'She whined' acts as a dialogue tag in this section, so you could place a comma after the dialogue and lowercase 'she.'

Final thoughts: You've created a super complex, intricate story. There are many layers and characters, and you've clearly put a lot of thought into each and every one. I would just make sure you're conveying each character and idea clearly to avoid any confusion. The story is already complex, so make sure the delivery is clear and concise. But I enjoyed reading and hope you keep writing!