Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ The Love and Pain Diary [Part Two]

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: The Love and Pain Diary [Part Two]

Author: @lelykoo

Title and Cover: Maybe I'm mistaken, but I think this is a different cover from the last time I reviewed? Regardless, it's very pretty! Love the colors of the background; everything looks very soft, yet professional. I would almost like more of the spatter behind pain, to add a bit more messiness to the perfectly serene background–it would suit the title.

Plot Overview: [6-10] I really enjoyed these next five chapters of your story. You've done an excellent job of creating tension and conflict to keep the story exciting. Nolan getting upset with Alex or Vanessa having a crush on Nolan added some areas of conflict, which were necessary and smart.

And the romance brewing between our main characters is so captivating. You've brilliantly accomplished a successful slow burn romance. I'm dying for them to just fall in love already, but the painful back and forth has been so rewarding to read. You have such a talent for making the smallest moments feel major–which really sets your story apart.

For example, Nolan scrunching his nose in his sleep or leaning into her as she slept somehow made me love him so much more. Other things like Nolan being a bit short with her but still taking care of her when she became upset made me feel all the feels. You've conveyed each little moment perfectly, so that I have so many emotions invested into your story.

So great job on the plot! It's been captivating and fun to read. I'm so interested to see how things play out once Nolan learns of Alex's past...

Pacing: The pacing feels okay, overall. The story is moving a bit slowly, due to the fact there are not a lot of action scenes, but like I said, you manage to make even small moments feel exciting, so the pacing never actually feels too bogged down. I wouldn't stress too much about this section.

Style and Flow: Your writing style is enjoyable to read. You convey emotions wonderfully and I really feel like I understand Alex, though I've never experienced anything like she's been through. So, that's a credit to your writing!

My only concern is the length of your chapters–they're quite long! Again, not a big deal, because I enjoyed the writing, so I hardly noticed. But there were times where it felt like certain sentences could have been cut. So, during an edit, I'd look for redundant information that you could cut, and you may find it would shorten some of the chapters.

Some examples where I think you could remove information would be in chapter six where the girls' conversation felt a bit aimless or the bit where you included what everyone ordered to eat (was that necessary to the story).

There are also times where you repeat things or blatantly state things that could be inferred. Such as in chapter six where Borys makes a silly comment about leaving and Alex reiterates, stating he's leaving so as to not hear them have sex, or in chapter seven when Alex notes Nolan put her suitcase away for her and then says: Why is he so nice?

In both instances, we could infer the following information, so it isn't necessary to explain it. I suggest always assuming your readers are intelligent and let them come to their own conclusions based on the information you provided. Hope this makes sense!

Characters: Your characters are what make this story. You've created complex, realistic and captivating characters that I quickly fell in love with. For instance, Alex has been through so much in life but is still strong and sweet. The scene where she left a coke can for Nazar had me tearing–so well written. Also, the detail of Alex always finishing her plate made so much sense and made her real like a real person. And it makes sense for her character to be wounded and hesitant to open up completely to Nolan.

Nolan made me a bit angry in chapter six and moving forward. He seemed immature to be so angry with Alex, but again it made sense for his character. At first, I thought he was just jealous and young, but then, I learned he had been cheated on in his past, and it made so much more sense. But even though he was being difficult, he was always sweet to Alex (helping with her suitcase or checking on her while she was having a panic attack).

Overall, I love these characters and I am rooting for them and their romance arc.

Grammar/Spelling: There were a couple of minor typos, but nothing that detracted from the story. I think I mentioned it in your last review, but I would pay closer attention to making sure your tenses match (the story is in past tense, so all verbs should be past tense).

One other thing, be careful with how you punctuate dialogue. Most of it is fine, but at times you treat actions like dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are things like 'he said, a man shouted, my brother exclaimed, etc.' They connect to dialogue with a comma.

However, if no dialogue tag is present, then end the dialogue inside the quotes with a period and move on. In your text, you wrote: "You thought wrong," I smiled back.

'Smiled' does not imply speaking–it's an action and not a dialogue tag. So, to correct this, it should read: "You thought wrong." I smiled back.

Other: One other minor thing: there are times where you refer to Nolan by his last name, Blaine. I think this is fine to include in a character's dialogue, referring to Nolan by a nickname. But when it's within blocks of text, it can be confusing and feels out of place.

Final thoughts: Overall, I've really enjoyed this story. It's so different from other things I've read on this site–not only the plot, but the way you have written it. The plot isn't jam-packed with individual events, like parties or big moments. But you've made a simple car ride or a nap on a train into a beautifully written, captivating scene. So, great work! Hope you keep writing and I will keep reading! (: