Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ Creatures in Depth

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: Creatures in Depth

Author: @june_berrin

Title and Cover: The title is intriguing and perfectly suits the premise. I love the cover, as well. The image is perfect, and the title font is captivating. It looks very professional–great work!

Blurb: Your blurb has a lot of potential. As it is currently written, there are a number of minor typos, like incomplete sentences or tense errors (I left suggestions to fix these things in the comment section of your story). Also, in the blurb there is a random period after 'endangering the.' But those are all easy fixes!

My main advice would be to clean up your writing a bit. Make sure you're only offering relevant information and presenting that information clearly. Some places that could benefit from revision would be the last sentence of section two and the last sentence of section three–both are long and a bit confusing. If you're interested in brainstorming ideas, let me know and I'd be happy to help!

But I love that last sentence! It's powerful and perfectly sums up the premise.

Plot Overview: The hook was captivating–it was a beautiful way to get the premise across, while immersing your readers into this new world. The first chapter had a lot of action and a shocking twist. It was engaging and exciting, so well done! Chapter two served more insight into our main characters and the life they are living. It was a nice way to start building this new world in a digestible way.

There were a few moments where things bordered on information dumps. The most evident example was in chapter one, where Sophia started to be lured in by the siren. There was a section which explained their training taught them to keep a safe distance and that resistance varied by person. I think there could be a more natural way to get this information across.

For instance, afterward, Jasper yelled, "You're too close, it will grab you!" So, readers could infer from that there was a safe distance to keep. You could even suggest something more organically after that dialogue such as, 'Sophia should have known better than to get that close–our training had taught us as much'...etc. Just a quick little tidbit to keep the action moving forward without an unnatural break.

Another area that bordered on an information dump was in chapter two, where you explained the Senate's involvement and motivations for their actions. It seemed long-winded, so I would find a way to make that information more concise, at the very least. But overall, the plot was engaging and I really enjoyed the first two chapters!

Pacing: The pacing felt really well-done. There was a good mix of fast-paced moments of action and slowed down moments of reflection. So, nice job!

Style and Flow: Your writing style is a lot of fun to read. You're excellent at world-building and creating vivid descriptions. The way you described Oarkale Street in chapter one made the image come to life. And the words you choose to use really aid the world you're creating, so nice job!

The story flows nicely from one scene to the next, as well. My only advice would be to watch lengthy sentences. At times, there's so much description added in that the sentences become long and muddled. So make sure everything is as direct as possible.

Characters: There have only been two chapters, so I can't speak on character development. However, first impressions, I love our main character. Cerelia is strong and powerful–and I love that you displayed this through her actions, rather than just telling us. It's also clear she has a complicated backstory and I'm interested in seeing how that will play into her development.

Jasper is another interesting character. I like that we got to experience a troubling moment with him, and watch as it shapes him as a person. It was smart to have him handle the trauma differently than Cerelia to offer different perspectives.

Grammar/Spelling: The main error I noticed throughout was in reference to tense usage. The entire story should stick to one tense. Most of your story is in past tense, but there are times where you switch to present. This can be jarring to your readers and confusing to follow. I would recommend going through, line by line, and confirming everything is in past tense (I left a few suggestions, but there were more that I didn't point out).

The only other error I saw was in regard to dialogue. There are many resources to seek out online to learn how to properly punctuate dialogue, but some specific examples from your text are as follows: "Cerelia," I hummed. It is impossible to hum a word, so it should not be used as a dialogue tag–instead, a period should follow the word 'Cerelia' (Also, that might be an error in your text because why was Cerelia humming her own name?).

Another error in dialogue: "Jasper's in a really terrible place," I shot her a look. Again, there isn't a dialogue tag present, so there should be a period after 'place.' (Dialogue tags are things like 'I said, a man spoke, she whispered).

Final thoughts: Overall, this story is super unique and intriguing. You have a knack for creating vivid descriptions, which will be a huge help for building this new world. The story has action, interesting characters, and intriguing backstory–all the elements for a great story. I'd be interested in reading more, so I hope you keep writing! (: