Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ The Merciless Beast

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: The Merciless Beast

Author: @Emerald_666666

Title and Cover: The title is intriguing and makes sense for the premise of the story. There are elements of the cover that I really enjoy: the cover art and the title font. My only suggestions would be to switch the font of the header and author tag–maybe a simple white (not neon) and make it a bit smaller in size. Reason being, it's detracting from the title, which should be the focal point.

Blurb: In my opinion, the blurb could benefit from some editing. There are run-on sentences and random capitalization, which can be an easy fix! My main advice would be to take away some of the information provided in the blurb and focus on making the paragraphs flow seamlessly. Blurbs should be straight-forward, so don't offer any unnecessary information.

Let's start with the first paragraph! It's all one sentence and a bit clunky. One option would be to say something like: Erica Jade is a young woman who dreams of becoming an established fashion designer. However, due to her impecunious family, her options are limited. She accepts a job as personal assistant at Venus Enterprises, instead.

Moving forward with paragraph two: there's a lot of unnecessary information in this section. For instance, we don't need the names of his friend and ex or that many descriptors to get his character across. We could simplify things by saying something like: Steven Williams is a discourteous and feisty CEO–a merciless beast. He has no time for mercy, gold-diggers or whores, yet his obsessive ex can't leave him alone.

The last paragraph lacks a bit of purpose or direction. I'm assuming you want to summarize their paths crossing without spoiling the book, so some options might be: Steven has a troubled past and soon learns Erica had some involvement. Will Steven be able to shed his gloomy past or will he bring storm clouds into Erica's life?

Basically, I'm suggesting you pull some information back–give your readers just enough to know what to expect in your story, while being as clear and concise as possible (the above examples are obviously just suggestions and not a definitive solution).

Plot Overview: Overall, the plot has a lot of potential. I love the character archetypes: opposites attract. I also love the fake dating trope, which came to fruition in chapter four. There are so many possibilities with this scenario, and I'd be excited to watch them play out.

There are a few areas of the plot which I think could be improved. One, is your hook. The first paragraph we are introduced to Erica as she wakes up, showers, and gets ready for the day. This isn't the most exciting way to open the story, so to hook your readers, I'd suggest playing around with new ideas. Perhaps, you start with an emotion: Maybe Erica is feeling nervous about her upcoming interview, so she describes her stomach knotting, her palms sweating, etcetera. That's just one idea!

Another thing to consider would be to make your villainous characters more believable. When we are introduced to Linda, she seems unnecessarily cruel. It's essential to have these types of characters to create conflict but give her a clear motivation. Why is she so hateful toward Erica and could we make that clearer? And consider if her actions are realistic–would she really trip Erica in an adult professional setting?

Lastly, I'd be more careful with your dialogue. At times, the characters' discussions felt super rigid and unnatural. They way they would say certain things weren't believable, so make sure their discussions sound organic or it can take the readers out of the story.

Some plot points I really loved were the accidental kiss when Erica met Mr. Williams and the reveal that it was actually Steven, our other main character. This was a memorable moment and a fun way for them to meet!

Pacing: The pacing felt okay, in my opinion. Things weren't moving too fast, but I do think you could add in some more narrative elements to break up some of the dialogue, and it would make the pacing even better.

Style and Flow: Your writing style is super easy to read–I breezed through the first five chapters. But be careful to not be so concise. Make sure you're fully describing the scenery in each section. There were times when you had characters talking, but you hadn't fleshed out the scenery, so it was difficult to picture. If they're in an office, tell us what it looks like. If they're in a diner, tell us what it smells like. Paint a picture!

At times, the flow felt choppy. Particularly in chapter four where you started switching POV. I would strongly suggest sticking to one, maybe two, POV's within one chapter. If there is constant back and forth it's hard to immerse in the story. Also, if you're writing in first person POV, make sure it's consistent (we should only know things that the POV character knows and experiences). For instance, in chapter four, you end a section in Steven's POV stating Erica is heading to the diner (Steven wouldn't know this).

Characters: The main characters have an interesting dynamic because they seem so opposite. Erica is an ambitious, good girl–and I love the details of her past (losing her mother and her father blaming her). Also, Steven is clearly an unfriendly bad boy type. I'd be careful not to make him too unlikable though, give him some redeeming qualities. For instance, him telling Erica to lose some weight was a bit much! It really made me dislike him. You could even that out with some softer moments.

Grammar/Spelling: There were some minor typos throughout the story, and random capitalization, so I'd keep an eye out for that. Also, there were a few places where sentences read funny, like in chapter one when you wrote: she was holding back her sarcastic comments to toss her sarcasm at me. That sounds a bit strange and doesn't make complete sense. I'd make sure you're conveying your thoughts in the clearest way possible to avoid confusion.

Some grammar issues: there are times when you switch tenses. The story should be written in the same tense throughout. Most of the story is in past tense, but in the beginning of chapter one you started in present tense. This is apparent because you used verbs such as 'roar or I reply' but then you switched to past tense using verbs like 'replied or questioned.' Make sure everything matches!

Lastly, watch the punctuation of dialogue. It's a bit all over the place, and there are many errors. I'd recommend seeking more resources online to correct this problem, if you care to. Though, for most readers, the errors won't interrupt their reading experience. Here's a quick run-down if you're interested: Dialogue is put inside quotations and can be followed by a dialogue tag (I said, she yelled, etc) or a statement of action/narrative.

Dialogue tag follows the dialogue: "That cat is fast," he said. [note a comma connects the dialogue to the tag].

Dialogue tag follows dialogue (question mark/exclamation mark): "That cat is fast!" he said. [note 'he' is lowercase].

Statement follows dialogue (no tag present): "That cat is fast." The calico cat ran across the room. [note a period ends the dialogue, and the next statement is capitalized].

Final thoughts: Overall, this story has a lot of potential. The fake dating trope is super popular, so I'm interested in seeing what direction you will take this story. With a bit of editing, I think you'll have a very successful book because the plot was engaging and entertaining. I enjoyed reading and hope you keep writing! (: