Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ A Savior's Whisper [Part Three]

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: A Savior's Whisper [Part Three]

Author: @writingjunior

Plot Overview: [11-15] You've created such a unique premise for a story–I haven't read anything quite like it, especially on this site. In these next few chapters, I think the story has really started to come together. The plot lines are intertwining and the characters are becoming more distinct and clear. There's been mystery, action, and romance. I've enjoyed reading and really look forward to seeing what happens when–or if–the truth about May comes out.

Some points I would like to mention: in chapter thirteen, there was a very long action scene. It was well-written, but it was almost all action. It's important to break things up with dialogue or narrative elements to give variety. Otherwise, it starts to feel repetitive and a bit boring. So, try adding in more description or some inner dialogue–maybe have May contemplate her next move. This will help make that scene more dynamic and engaging.

Another point worth mentioning: in chapter fourteen, there was a bit of confusion for me. May's father decides to send her on a mission, and she immediately feels upset. She feels like she's being demoted or replaced, so this makes sense. But, at the same time, isn't that exactly what she wanted? To be sent to the human world to live a more 'normal' life. And when you ended that chapter, you wrote that May was excited for the journey to come. It didn't feel like there was a clear emotion. If she's confused about what she's feeling, that's okay, but I'd make it more apparent that's the case.

Pacing: The pacing felt nice, to me. This next section was kind of a step back, where May returns home. It felt appropriately placed and helped slow down some of the fast-paced action that's been occurring.

The only time where pacing felt bogged was in chapter eleven. At times, your dialogue scenes run a bit long or feel a little aimless. Make sure when you do add in large chunks of dialogue that it is serving a purpose. Does it propel the story forward? Is it offering readers a glimpse into a character's personality? If not, maybe it isn't needed.

Style and Flow: Your writing style is enjoyable to read. My only real suggestion would be to not fear away from adding in more description. There are times where you neglect to set the scene. For instance, in chapter twelve, you talk about May approaching the 'gloomy' house or vaguely describe Vite. I'd go into depth here, really explain what that 'gloomy' house looks like and tell us more about Vite's appearance.

Lastly, I mentioned it in your last review, but there are times where the way you refer to your characters reads as confusing. Use their names more! It's okay to keep referring to May as May and not the brunette or the young girl, etc. It may feel repetitive to you, but as readers, we hardly notice because we're so focused on the story. But, when it isn't clear what character is being discussed, it becomes frustrating and difficult to read.

Characters: I'm growing to like May more and more. It's clear she's lived a difficult life, and these next few chapters really highlighted that. She has a difficult relationship with her father and there are a lot of pressures on her.

At times, she feels wicked or too reactive. But after learning more about her homelife, these things start to make sense. And I really love how you humanized her further by giving her a soft spot–Kenin. This was a smart decision, and I'm hoping later on he plays a larger role in her character development.

Grammar/Spelling: There are a few typos here and there. Also, there are a number of incomplete sentences–as long as these are stylistic choices, they're fine.

In the last review, I noted some errors in regard to dialogue tags. These are still issues in this section, so I won't offer another explanation. Other than things I've already mentioned, I didn't notice any new problems.

Final thoughts: The more I read, the more I enjoy the story. There were a lot of characters and moving parts, so I think it took some time for me to fully grasp everything. But slowly, it's coming together, and I'm quite impressed. You've crafted an intricate story with diverse, fully-fleshed out characters. It's exciting and unique, and I hope you keep writing!