Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ The Mattress Still Has Your Body on It..

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: The Mattress Still Has Your Body on It And I'm Not Sure Why

Author: @bedframehardmattress

Title and Cover: The title of the book seems a bit long, perhaps just "The Mattress Still Has Your Body on It" would suffice. But I do like the mood it sets, as it matches the tone of your writing. And the cover is quite cool–I love the image, and I like the font of the title text.

Blurb: The blurb is a bit ominous in the sense that not a lot is revealed about the plot of the book. But, it's written beautifully, and I was intrigued to read more just from a few short sentences. And I didn't notice any errors, so great work!

Plot Overview: I loved the opening paragraph–I was instantly sucked into this ugly, poetic realm.

I will say, the story reads quite passive–in the sense there isn't much plot, no named characters and limited dialogue. It's more of a poetic take on a story, and I think you're valid in taking this sort of direction. It reads as more of a short story–a collection of beautiful writing about a realistic view on love.

But if this wasn't your intention, then the story contains a lot of 'telling', and I'd recommend more 'showing.' By this, I'd mean write less passive, and include more dialogue and plot points. But honestly, I really enjoyed this take on story-telling.

While there wasn't much action, I never found myself bored. So nice job.

Pacing: Pacing was nice. You took your time with each moment and thought–creating wonderfully written descriptions that paced the story nicely. I could see some people thinking it read a bit slow, but for the vibe you're going for, it felt right to me.

Style and Flow: Your writing style is what is making this story so great. You're a very descriptive and poetic writer. The imagery you choose to include perfectly matches the grungy, dark vibe you're working to portray.

Talking of rats in her ribcage or filling with poison, you use such ugly words to make a beautiful description. And there were so many times where you used descriptors or metaphors I had never come across before, which made for an exciting read.

Characters: Again, the characters in this story are kept pretty vague. We don't know details of their lives, but somehow, you've made them so vivid to me. It's clear they're in serious distress and have found themselves tangled up in a toxic relationship.

They feel raw, yet real. And I'm rooting for them to wake up.

Grammar/Spelling: I left a few inline comments of suggestions, just so they'd be easier to spot. At times, your tenses would switch up–to the point, I left suggestions of switching some to match in past tense, but reading on, it was apparent most of the story is in present tense, so perhaps things should have been switched to present tense instead.

In general, it's ideal for the story in its entirety to stick to one tense, so use your judgment and make changes where you feel necessary.

The only other grammatical error I noticed was in regard to dialogue. There were a couple of instances where you connected dialogue to an action, which is an error. Typically, dialogue is connected to a dialogue tag with a comma–a dialogue tag are words such as 'he said, my mother whispered, a man called.' [example: "That cat runs fast," my dad said.]

If a dialogue is not present, then no comma is needed. Just end dialogue with a period and carry on with your next sentence.

An example of the error in your writing comes from chapter one where you wrote: "You're drunk again," I don't turn.

To correct this, simply place a period after again. [You're drunk again." I don't turn.]

I noticed this a few times, so just keep an eye out for it! And if you have any more questions about writing dialogue, I suggest searching out resources online.

Final thoughts: This was a wonderfully written story. It felt raw and was a refreshing change of pace. Many stories on Wattpad tend to highlight cheery love stories, or may even sensationalize abusive relationships, but this seemed to showcase the reality of the ugliness. You're a brilliant writer, and I enjoyed reading. Hope you keep at it! (: