Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ If You Love Me

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: If You Love Me

Author: @officialkhushi

Title and Cover: The title is suited for the genre. I really enjoy the cover art–the black and white appearance is classy. My only suggestion would be to nudge the title a bit to the left in order to center it. Otherwise, it's a nice cover!

Blurb: The blurb is concise and intriguing. You've clearly conveyed the premise of the story, without offering any spoilers. I only have a few suggestions in regard to delivery. In the first paragraph I would consider saying: Alberto Vicuna was charming, fair, and a senator–but Raquel felt something was missing.

Reason being: one, I'm unsure what 'very much a senator' means, and two, I think it would help to clarify who felt something was missing and what about. By connecting those two sentences together, it helps showcase she felt something lacked in the relationship.

Lastly, I would consider rewording the last sentence to make it have more of a lasting effect. Maybe something like: Could it be the missing piece Raquel had been searching for?

Plot Overview: The story picks up pretty quickly. The main premise focuses on the developing romance between Raquel and Sergio, and they meet in the first chapter. By chapter two, they're already on a date, smitten, and share their first kiss. There are moments that feel like too much too soon–for instance, in chapter two, Sergio takes Raquel to his special spot: the chocolate shop. For a woman he just met, this felt a little too intimate.

The backstory with Alberto was engaging. It added some needed drama and was an exciting read. It was smart to add in some sort of conflict through this complicated relationship with Alberto and Raquel and you did a great job setting up Alberto as a villainous character. It was clear through his actions and dialogue that he had ulterior motives with his relationship with Raquel.

When I finished chapter five, my main concern was where the story would go from that point. In my mind, everything had been set up for a perfect ending. Now Sergio and Raquel can be together, Sergio and her father get along, and it all seems too perfect. My suggestion would be to add more tension/conflict. This may be hinting to some sort of secret in someone's past or adding in another B storyline. Regardless, make sure there is some underlying thread to keep your readers interested–we keep reading for the conflict.

Pacing: As I mentioned earlier, the story felt a little fast paced. The romance picked up quickly and there was little to no set-up. I think if there was a bit more time spent fleshing out the setting or characters then maybe it wouldn't feel so fast.

Style and Flow: Your writing style makes for a seamless read. Everything is clear and straight-forward. My only suggestion would be to spend more time describing the scenes. For the most part, the scenery felt neglected. For example, in chapter two, it wasn't stated they were in an office until the scene was almost over. Or later, they arrive to a restaurant, but no description of the place was given.

Scenery can be a powerful tool. We can learn a lot about characters based on the scene or it can enhance a dramatic scene. For instance, if we're in our love interest's room, you could describe piles of books or leftover takeout–readers can infer he's a work driven person. Another example: a couple may be in a heated fight; the weather can mimic this by having a storm brewing overhead.

Characters: You've done a nice job in the first five chapters setting up a number of key players: Raquel and her father, Sergio, and Alberto. Raquel has a complex relationship with her father, and I appreciate that you took the time to craft a backstory to explain why she cares to make him proud. And, I especially like how you made her father warm and understanding when Raquel reveals her true passions.

In my opinion, the only time Raquel felt a bit unlikeable was in her reaction to Alberto's dishonesty. She shot some unkind words toward the other woman, and in some ways, it felt a little hypocritical. Had she not technically cheated on Alberto, as well? It's okay to make our main characters unlikeable or make poor decisions–in fact, it's almost necessary. So, I think this flaw is necessary and leaves room for character growth.

In a way, I think Sergio could use some of that grit Raquel has. He's almost too perfect! He's a billionaire and he's kind? It's almost too good to be true...I'd make sure everyone has their fair share of flaws, just to keep things realistic and interesting. 

Grammar/Spelling: There are a number of typos; I pointed out a few in the inline comments. There are also times where Raquel is referred to as Ana, so I'd do a read-through just to make sure those things are corrected. You could always copy and paste chapters into a google doc sheet, then go to 'edit' and 'find and replace.' Here, you can type in 'Ana', and it will highlight every place you've used the word. This is an easy way to fix that error!

Other things: watch your tense usage. The story is written in past tense, but at times you switch to present. Make sure everything is kept in the past tense. Otherwise, grammatically, things were pretty well-written.

Final thoughts: You have the bones for a great story. The characters are interesting and dynamic. There is a family element that could play a key part, and a thriving business at the center of their romance. Raquel's complicated ex makes for an exciting twist, and I think the main characters could be a really great match. My only real suggestion would be to add in some more conflict and tension. Don't make things too easy for our main love interests. That way, when–or if–they finally do get together, it will be that much more satisfying for the readers. Overall, great writing!