Ohana Reviews

review ❀ It's a Crazy World, Isn't It?

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: It's A Crazy World, Isn't It?

Author: @Yellow_nelo

Title and Cover: The title seems appropriate for a collection of short stories. Also, the cover art is quite cool! My only suggestion would be to maybe add a darker color shadow/outline to the title text to help it pop off the page. And, maybe add an ellipsis (...) after "world" to help tie in the 'isn't it?' at the bottom. Just an idea!

Blurb: I enjoy the simplicity of the blurb. It conveys the subject matter and vibe of the collection. One idea would be to make that third section mirror the first sentence's structure more closely. For instance, maybe rewrite something like, "So, this short story collection features the other side of love: the tragic side, the lustful side, the dark side."

I think this could help achieve that mirrored imagery more effectively.

Plot Overview: The first story was a great start; entertaining, a bit humorous, and an effective ending. One suggestion would be to focus on describing the sounds heard outside the room. Instead of saying, 'you heard music,' you could say something like, 'heavy bass thumped, flooding into the hall, vibrating my body as I approached,' etc. This could help the big reveal pack a bigger punch!

Additionally, I loved the second story-my favorite of the bunch. It was heartbreaking in parts and I love the spin of brotherly love. My only comment would be to tie in a bigger lesson at the ending-the story is beautiful, I wish the ending hit just as hard (like the first story achieved).

Pacing: To be honest, I'm not well-versed on appropriate story structure for a short story, so I may not have the best advice for pacing! However, as your average reader, the pacing felt nice to me, especially in story one and two.

Story three was a bit of a slower start, in my opinion. In the beginning, there were maybe three or four paragraphs describing the gate/door opening, which felt like it could be condensed down to get to the action sooner!

Style and Flow: The stories flow wonderfully. Easy to follow along, you paint nice and vivid imagery. Your writing style is unique as well. Using second person narration (referring to the main character as You) is something you don't see often. If used appropriately, it can be very effective in creating an immersive reading experience.

However, I wouldn't be limited to this narration style-only use it when appropriate for the story. You could effectively vary the style throughout your collection. For instance, in story two and three, it's later revealed the main character (you) is a boy. For readers, like me, who are not a boy, this can be a bit jarring, taking readers out of the immersive experience.

Second person narration works well for self-insert main characters. In situations where it wouldn't matter if the main character were male/female, young/old, etc. It also works well in action/adventure, when you want the reader to feel part of the story. So, if this isn't the story you're writing, perhaps try first or third person narration instead!

Characters: Again, because of the second person narration, I fell into self-inserting myself as the main character, so there weren't clear descriptions of any of the main characters. Again, not a bad thing if this was your intended purpose. It can be quite effective!

However, your side characters were complex and beautifully written. Going back to that second story, the eldest brother, Ifem, was described wonderfully. By detailing his past abuse, I became invested and was rooting for him! Which is what made that story so effective. And again, in the third story, you did a great job of explaining the father to be a complex and difficult man.

Your writing makes it clear you have a deep understanding of people-their minds and emotions. And you are able to convey that effectively through story-telling. Great work!

Grammar/Spelling: I noticed a few minor typos here and there and tried to point them out in the in-line comments, to make it easiest for you to find them-not because I was being picky. (;

A few grammatical errors were picked up on as well. For one, you have a tendency to create long, run-on sentences. For instance, the first sentence of chapter one: The women in your family were cursed with meeting and eventually marrying ugly men, your mother was not excluded, yes, your father is ugly, very ugly.

It could be reworked to read: The women in your family were cursed with meeting, and eventually, marrying ugly men. Your mother was not excluded. Yes, your father is ugly-very ugly.

Don't shy away from using more punctuation other than commas! Even if a sentence is incomplete, it can still start with a capital letter and end with a period, if it follows a nice flow within the paragraph.

Additionally, your dialogue tags could use some attention. I would recommend finding some sources online to better explain proper usage, but a quick run down:

When using dialogue tags such as, 'he said, I whispered, my mother yelled,' connect it with a comma-not a period. [ex: "Bigger girls." He had said. It should read, "Bigger girls," he had said.]

When connecting dialogue with punctuation, use a lower-case letter for the dialogue tag. [ex: "Are you stalking me?" You asked. It should read: "Are you stalking me?" you asked.

These examples come from your writing in chapter one, but I noticed it throughout.

Other: One other small thing, you tend to place text inside of parentheses to clarify-I find this unnecessary. For instance, in chapter three, you wrote: ...the sound of the gate being slid back (your gate was a sliding gate). That was implied, no need to clarify. It's okay to let your readers infer some things!

Final thoughts: It's clear you have a unique perspective on the world, and I loved reading your complex and diverse stories. I will be keeping an eye out for more updates because I genuinely enjoyed your writing.

My review consists only of my thoughts and opinions. And while I offer many suggestions, I never intend to tell anyone what to do-or write. This is your story! So, write however you please, and thanks for stopping by! (: