Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ Memories [Part Two]

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: Memories

Author: @courtneyrush756

Title and Cover: I like the new cover picture! My only advice would be to maybe make the title larger and move it down a bit. I actually like the whimsy of the previous font-maybe you could find a good mix?

Blurb: The blurb flows well-I like the changes! Only comment is I don't think you need a comma after 'stands out' in the second section, but that's minor! Or you could also say, 'The one that stands out: the need to protect her.' Whichever suits your style more!

Plot Overview: First off, these next few chapters had some really fun and exciting scenes. Many opportunities for cute swoon-worthy moments, so great job on that. My only complaint is the lack of conflict. Everything seems too perfect and easy, so the payoff of the wedding scene wasn't quite there for me.

I think what you have been lacking so far are moments of tension and conflict. For instance, I feel Olivia and Jasper fell back in love too quickly. Perhaps, you could add some more reflection to Olivia to show more apprehension. Maybe she would be scared of getting hurt again and try to keep more guarded. Then, I think chapter seven and eight could have potential for her to reveal her true feelings while she's intoxicated and not overthinking so much. This would help make that wedding scene much more rewarding as a reader!

Also, in chapter five when Jasper reveals the need for the arrangement, it seemed like Olivia agreed too easily. This would be another great opportunity for her to self-reflect on her true thoughts about the situation. Maybe consider what Olivia is getting out of this deal.

My favorite moments in the plot so far are the places where her flashbacks/hallucinations pop back up-because right now, this is the only part where she faces any real problems.

Basically, what I'm saying is you have a great backbone for a story, just make your readers work for those happy moments. Don't make it too easy for us!

Pacing: The individual scenes are well paced, nothing too rushed. It feels like each scene is a good length and proper mix of dialogue and description. However, it seems like the wedding day approached very quickly. I understand this to be a novella, so perhaps this is necessary depending on the rest of the story. But also, I think if there was more conflict leading to the wedding day it would help it to feel less hurried.

Style and Flow: Your writing style flows wonderfully and is easy to read. I have little complaints here! Everything makes sense and you paint a wonderful picture. Again, there are some moments I could use some more description-particularly the wedding scene.

Characters: I'm loving Jasper and Olivia's dynamic. His vows-perfection.

One suggestion is to add in more of Emit. He's supposed to be her best friend so why did he kind of disappear for a few chapters. Even subtle mentions of him like maybe Olivia sees a missed call/text from him the night before her wedding checking in on her.

Other characters, such as Miranda, Marissa, Lucinda, and Amelia could use a bit more attention, I think. Perhaps it's my fault as a reader, but I had a hard time keeping them straight or remembering their relation to Jasper. I would love more insight on their true feelings about the wedding or their relationship with Olivia from the past.

Grammar/Spelling: Like last time, I tried to point out individual typos in the inline comments. The only other main things I noticed were a pattern of run on sentences. Especially, in chapter five, I recall quite a few-so maybe pay careful attention to that. Additionally, there are parts where you overuse commas, so keep an eye on that too. Otherwise, great work!

Final thoughts: Overall, your story is developing nicely. My main critique of these chapters is on plot and pacing. Just make sure you're not offering things too easily and perfectly for your characters. Tension and conflict are what keeps your readers invested, so it's very important!