Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ Memories

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: Memories

Author: @courtneyrush756

Title and Cover: The title is concise and seems to fit the topic of the book. I also think with a few tweaks, the cover could be even better. I love the font of Memories, and with the background photo, it helps create a mystical whimsy vibe, which seems appropriate.

My only suggestion would be to change up the format of the quote you added. Maybe switch up the font to something thinner (perhaps match the font you used for your name). I would also make it smaller and move it up more.

Blurb: The content within the blurb is good. Concise and to the point without revealing too much. However, there are some parts I would re-word. For instance, the last sentence in the first section could use some work. One option could be something like this: "It's down to her to fit the pieces together; the one way to achieve that relies on the mysterious Jasper Petrova."

Also, that third section could use a re-write to help the flow. I think it could read better by saying, "Old flames rekindle, new romances fly, and betrayal hides around every corner."

Plot Overview: So far, I'm really enjoying the story line. I appreciate the way you introduced Olivia's visions. You offered just enough information, without straight up telling the readers about it. I was left with just enough to be intrigued.

Additionally, I love the plot twist you offered in the engagement, and I'm really interested in seeing how it plays out. The premise of a big party coming up is a lot of fun too. I am hoping for a chaotic mess of a wedding.

Pacing: Pacing is good in the sense that nothing feels too rushed or bogged down. However, I do feel like maybe Olivia forgave Emit a bit too quickly and fell back into good graces with Jasper a hair too soon. However, depending how the rest of the story plays out, this may not be too big of an issue.

Style and Flow: Your style lends more to a straight-forward approach. You're direct in moving the story along and don't bother with too much frivolous filler. This helps keep readers engaged in the story aspect. However, in parts it could be beneficial to slow down and focus on painting a clearer picture.

For instance, in many chapters there was little to no description of the scene. In chapter one, there is mention of them being in a cafe but then little other details of their surroundings. Even in chapter two, there could have been more description of the party scene, etc.

One other thing I noticed in your writing is the tendency to create run-on sentences in spots (very minor, I only noticed a couple of times). For example, the second sentence in chapter two is very long and wordy; it could use a re-write, if you wanted.

Characters: Great job of introducing your characters and establishing their personalities. They feel real and make sense for their pasts. Olivia June seems complex; she has a lot going on internally and seems to have a troubled past. Her visions, past relationship, and family life play a big role in shaping her.

Jasper is a lot of fun to read about. He's kind of cocky and a bit of an ass, but also seems to care deeply for Olivia. I love the little touches that show his softer side towards her. I'm curious to know more about his past.

Overall though, physically, your characters lack description. In chapter five, during the dress scene, I would love more detail about the women helping her. Maybe find ways to subtly introduce these things. Such as in dialogue tags: she says running a hand through her soft, brown hair, etc.

Grammar/Spelling: I did notice a few minor typos here and there. I tried to correct them in the inline comments as I went, so I hope you don't think I was being overly critical! Just wanted to make it easiest for you to fix! (:

A few other things I noticed. Watch your comma usage, sometimes you misuse them. In dialogue sometimes you overuse commas. An example is in chapter two, where it should read: "You don't know anything sweetheart...." he raps leaning down into my ear once again. "And now, we're adults."

You had placed a comma after again, and I noticed it a few other times too. Not a big deal, but it reads cleaner with a period. [if this doesn't make sense, let me know and I'll try to clarify further].

Last thing on grammar, majority of the time you had no problem keeping to one tense. Only in chapter three did I notice you had reverted to talking in past tense for a moment, which was a bit confusing. It was in this sentence: "His eyes open along with his mouth to say something. As soon as they twitched, I darted for them..."

You could just say, "As soon as they twitch, I dart for them." This way you keep the same tense throughout.

Other: One last thing I wanted to mention to enhance your writing. In places, you say things like "I feel, I watch, I hear." Instead of doing this, just describe it instead. So, instead of "I hear blank." Describe the exact sounds Olivia is hearing without the use of 'I.' This helps immerse your readers more into the scene.

Final thoughts: You have an intriguing story, and it is very well-written so far, just needs a couple of tweaks! The premise is unique and lends itself to a lot of exciting and interesting moments. I already love the dynamic between the love interests, and I feel compelled to read more. Great work!