Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ Mission Incomplete

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: Mission Incomplete

Author: @zeyyy2132

Title and Cover: The title is a witty play on words and perfectly suited for the genre and premise. Additionally, the cover fits the story well. I love the pop of red and the details in the title font.

Blurb: The blurb clearly conveys the premise of the plot. It makes the story sound exciting and well-thought out. My only suggestion would be to remove the word 'perhaps' in the final sentence, just to make things read smoother.

Plot Overview: I really enjoyed the concept of the story: two rivals having to work together on a secret mission, which is why I wish it delivered on that promise a bit more.

What I mean is, the rivalry between the two organizations and Rin's apprehension to gaining a new partner were all laid out, but then the two hit it off very quickly. They worked together nicely on their first mission and quickly fell into step. In my opinion, the plot could have been more interesting if Rin stayed more hesitant—if they bickered more or Rin tried doing the mission on her own.

This could have added some much needed tension and made the story more exciting. And, when Rin would finally accept Hazel, it would be more satisfying to the readers.

Otherwise, the missions were exciting and action packed. And I appreciated the attention to detail in regard to the lore of the organizations. It's clear you've put a lot of thought into these characters and their world.

Pacing: Again, because the two rivals fell into each other's good graces almost instantly, the pacing felt a bit too fast. If this was slowed down, and their relationship was forced to develop over time, the pacing would feel more appropriate.

Style and Flow: The story flows seamlessly from one scene to the next. And your writing style is concise and easy to read. If I had any suggestion, it would be to add in more detail to the scenery and characters. What you do offer is well-written, so just add more to really bring the story to life!

And, one small note for thought: switching point of views can be an effective tactic when used thoughtfully. Typically, we switch POV if we need to offer something we can't get through our main character's eyes. However, in your case, we switched to Hazel in chapter four, even though Rin was still present in that scene. Hazel's perspective didn't offer much that we wouldn't have gotten from Rin, so just make sure you consider why you're wanting to switch POV and use it as a tool to enhance your story.

Characters: I love how distinct and contrasting our two main characters are. Hazel is soft and open where Ron is hardened and closed-off. You've created great archetypes for a really interesting dynamic.

I would just make sure their actions match their personalities. For instance, in chapter three, Rin was quick to offer sensitive information about her childhood to Hazel. Even though they had a small moment of connection, it felt out of character for Rin to willingly share this much with Hazel—at least so soon. Maybe build this connection more slowly, so that it feels more aligned with her character.

Grammar/Spelling: There were some minor typos throughout the story. Mostly, I noticed you would leave out small words like 'is' which made sentences read funny.

The main issue I ran into was a fluctuation in tenses. There are times where you write as if the story is taking place in past tense, but other times you write in present tense. I'd recommend picking one tense and sticking to it throughout the entirety of the book.

Lastly, there was an error in regard to dialogue. I would suggest seeking more information online to correct these errors but in short: dialogue is connected to a dialogue tag (he said, a man yelled, etc) with a comma. [ex: "That cat is fast," he said.]

There were times where you connected dialogue to dialogue tags with periods—which should never be used when a dialogue tag is present. I'm chapter three you wrote: "..you should take notes Rin." Said Sage.

This should read: "..you should take notes, Rin," said Sage.

If the dialogue ends with a question mark or exclamation mark, then the dialogue tag should follow the same rules as before and remain lowercase. [ex: "That cat is fast!" he said.]

In chapter one you wrote: "..Okay?" He explained..

To correct this, it should read: "Okay? he explained.."

You would only use a period in dialogue if no tag is present and instead a moment of action or reflection followed after. [ex: "That cat is fast." The calico cat darted across the floor.]

Final thoughts: The story was engaging, and you have a super unique and intriguing premise. I'd love to see the pacing slowed down and really focus on building that relationship between Rin and Hazel over the course of the story. Adding in more tension and raising the stakes will really captivate your readers, and you have the writing chops to effectively carry that out. Great start and keep writing!