Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ A Savior's Whisper

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: A Savior's Whisper

Author: @WritingJunior

Title and Cover: The title is catchy and somewhat poetic; It feels appropriate for the genre. The cover art is a nice image that would capture the eye. Also, the font reads very clean, so no real complaints here!

Blurb: The blurb was intriguing. I liked the content and appreciated how nicely it all flowed. Some suggestions: in the last sentence of the first section, I would remove the word 'still.' Reason being, it feels redundant after the statement 'which even now.'

Also, in the second section, I would add either an em dash or colon instead of a period after 'a secret she told no one' (also, you had misspelled 'no one' here). This could add dramatic effect, and it feels right in this context. [ex: A secret she told no one–she hated being the villain OR A secret she told no one: she hated being the villain.]

Plot Overview: The plot contained a lot of action, which made for an entertaining story. It's apparent you've put a lot of thought into this new world and have woven together a complex and intriguing story. Specifically, the action sequence in chapter two was a lot of fun and I love anywhere you've added in cliffhangers, like at the end of chapter one.

If I had any suggestions, they would be to watch your dialogue. These first five chapters leaned heavily on dialogue, and at times, it read as information dumps. This means, a lot of backstory or details about characters' pasts were slipped in through dialogue. Sometimes, this can be an effective way to seamlessly introduce information, but when overdone, it feels unnatural. Some specific examples are in chapter one when the prince explains about Star's background ('you were trained by the best and brightest, plus you're the youngest person to become my guard').

Also, a lot of the dialogue is very dramatized, which can really add to a story, but if there hasn't been appropriate tension built, it can read as a bit cheesy in parts. For instance, in chapter one when Satan's eyes brim with tears stating she's nothing like her father. It felt over-dramatized for the situation, especially since we didn't know much about her character at that point.

One last point, I had read in one of your author's notes that even you didn't know where the story was going–or what would happen next. I would suggest creating a loose outline of the full story early on. Try researching different story structures and mapping out an outline as this can help keep your plot clean and on track. It will help with pacing and keep the story from dragging or hitting the climax too soon.

Pacing: The story started off into action very quickly. It almost felt like things were happening too soon since we had a little introduction to the characters and then watched them in action, without any real in-depth explanation as to why Satan was after the prince.

Other than that, individual scenes were paced nicely. The action scene itself was vividly written; each step explained thoroughly so it didn't feel rushed.

Style and Flow: It's clear you have talent in writing. Action is a tough genre to master, but your action sequences flowed very nicely. And, when you did offer descriptions, they were vivid and fun to read. For instance, I really enjoyed the beginning of chapter five.

However, I could have used more descriptions like this, of scenery, within your writing. For instance, in chapter one, there was hardly any description of the castle or any real background scenes. Since it's our first time experiencing this world, I would have loved for more detail!

Another place detail could have been seamlessly incorporated would be in chapter two when Satan makes a comment to the others about having never seen a castle before. Here would be a good place to go into detail about what they were seeing.

Characters: For me, characters are what make a story worth reading, and in this story, there is so much potential for interesting and engaging characters. It's clear to me you've put a lot of thought into each one, and their backstory, and even how they all relate to each other.

However, there are so many characters, and the way they were introduced made it difficult for me to connect to any specific one. For instance, I have no real idea who the main character is. It almost felt like we sat in the POV of side characters like Adonis and Amber more than characters I thought were main characters (like Satan, the Savior or the Prince). So, I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be rooting for.

My suggestion would be to sit in a character for longer and not jump around between everyone so much. Particularly, in chapter one, as its our first introduction to all of these characters and there was a lot of jumping around. It almost would have been more fun to have had all of chapter one in the POV of the 'good guys' and then be introduced to the otherside in chapter two as they are storming the castle.

But, individually, I'm very intrigued to know more about Satan and watch her character development. Through her actions you portrayed her as wicked and manipulative. And Star and The Prince seem to have potential for a blossoming story arc.

Grammar/Spelling: I did not notice many individual spelling errors, so nice work here! However, grammatically, I noticed errors in reference to dialogue. I would suggest seeking out more resources online for proper usage, but a quick run-down.

Generally, dialogue is connected to a dialogue tag (I said, he shouted, a man yelled) with a comma. [ex: "That cat runs fast," my father said.]

And, if the dialogue ends in a question mark or exclamation mark, then the dialogue tag still remains lowercase. [ex: "That cat runs fast!" my father said.]

If no dialogue tag is present, then simply end the dialogue with a period, and continue writing as is. [ex: "That cat runs fast." The calico cat sprinted across the floor.]

In your writing, you often used periods where commas were needed, or capitalized dialogue tags after punctuation in dialogue. For instance, in chapter one you wrote: "No...They have." She answered. [it should read: "No...they have," she answered.]

Again, in chapter one you wrote: "Is something wrong, Star? He asked. [it should read: "Is something wrong, Star?" he asked.]

Final thoughts: Overall, the story was exciting, and I can tell there is a lot of potential for a wonderful story. My main advice would be to narrow focus on a few select characters–the main three, and really flesh them out in the first few chapters. Allow your readers to fully delve into them and grow attached, this way you'll capture their attention and make readers want to keep reading about their journey. Then, it would be appropriate to introduce the rest of the side characters to make the story more exciting. And also, craft a plot outline to make sure the story arc is clean. But you seem to be on a good path, so I hope you keep writing! (: